Sunday, October 16, 2005

Tonight I Ache

We look after my nephew quite often. He is 2 and is soooo adorable and cute! Today was one of those days when he was here. My parents had picked me up from church after service, and D was asleep in his carseat, his head tilting to the right. I'm sure it must have been hard on his neck, but he didn't budge. I sat beside him in the backseat, trying to keep my hand draped around the top of the carseat, holding his head at a more comfortable angle and almost gave myself a kink in the neck, hehehe.

When we got him home, my dad put him to bed but a bout an hour later he woke up. I went to get him and he looked a little upset, like he wanted to go back to sleep but couldn't. He ran to me with his arms in the air and I reached down to pick him up. He just clung to me, and sort of sobbed. I thought maybe he had a bad dream.

I brought him out to the rocking chair (my favourite kind of chair) and we rocked some and he tried to go back to sleep but couldn't get comfortable. He'd rest with his head on my shoulder, then slide down on his back with his little legs hanging somewhat over the arm of the chair. I then brought him back to the bed and said I'd lay down with him a bit (figuring he might be a little scared if he did have a bad dream). Well, he curled right into me like he was looking for protection. I stayed there about 15 minutes while he slept. My neck was getting a kink this time because he hand't let me get comfortable or at a good angle, and he was laying with his head on my arm. I tried to move and get my arm out, but he rolled over and curled into me again. Finally after the 15 mins, I got up and he came out with me to the rocking chair again where he just sat on my lap and cuddled.

It seemed like my 'motherly' instincts were kicking in (I have no kids so I don't know if that is really possible or not) and I wanted to protect him from his bad dream. I wanted to comfort him and just hold him (like I did). I want to do so much for him, help him, teach him, etc. but he's not my child. He's my nephew, and I guess I can only do so much...

As I sit here, I really feel my clock ticking, really feel like my time is running out to have kids. I yearn to be a mother, I ache, like tonight to have children. I know that God has His timing, that if He wants me to have them I will (all things in His time). However, tonight that isn't comforting to me. I don't think that God would give me (if in fact it is from Him) such strong desires to be married and have children if He didn't have this planned for me. The thing is, I don't know if that is in fact what God has planned for me and it makes me feel so...I don't know, sad doesn't seem to describe the feeling, yet I can't put words to it.

I'm trying to trust God. I'm trying to find if His will is for me to get married and have kids, but truth be told, I don't know. I pray but I don't feel as though I am hearing Him. I don't know if He is telling me 'no' or 'wait' or 'yes'.

Anyway, tonight I am just aching at the fact that I am not a mother. I get afraid that I might not be and I don't know why I would have such strong desires for marriage and babies if I weren't meant to have these two things.

Anyway, I am still praying and still trying to hear God's voice. I'm trying to trust in this, but it's so hard when the desire is so overwhelming.


Maggie Ann said...

Hi Shelley, what a loving Aunt you are. The maternal instincts you have are most certainly God-given and they are coming in handy for your sweet little nephew. God's timing is always right. Proverbs 3:5,6 come to mind. God makes no mistakes. "Trust in the Lord with all thine heart; and lean not unto thine own understanding...In all thy ways acknowledge Him and he shall direct thy paths." I know how hard it is to wait and not have the answer we want immediately. When we look at scripture and those who did wait with longsuffering...they were blessed by God. My thoughts are keep looking to Jesus and wait with patience...and he will give you the desires of your heart according to his will, in his time. And, Shelley, that was really nice of you to leave comments about the collages. I think you did for each collage. Most people don't...and I think its special of you. = )...Psalm 27 is a psalm that has helped me in the past...and I cling to the last verse which says.."Wait on the LORD; be of good courage, and he shall strengthen thine heart; wait, I say, on the LORD." Well, we just got home from church about an hour ago. We drove by McDonalds and had some fast food for a treat. A friend showed me how to put in eyelets with a punch thing after church and it made a lovely addition to a bookmarker I made this afternoon. We heard 2 good messages today. Now the day is over and tomorrow will be busy. Hope you have a great Monday and your studies go well. I'll rememeber you in my prayers tonight.

Pilot Mom said...

Hmmm, have you ever fully released your desire to the Lord? Put it in your open hand and say, "Here it is Lord. I give it totally to you. If I never am married and have kids that is okay by me." Sometimes it is just the struggle to release it fully to God. I don't know...I'm just asking. I do know He has a plan for you, just be open to His leading.

Thanks for dropping into 'my place' today! :) It was wonderful to 'visit' with you. Please come again. I'll be returning here to your blog, too! Blessings....

pia said...

God knows our desires. He hears our prayers. and true, if he put those desires in our hearts, He will give us just that... in His time. it is God's will for us to increase and multiply. wait for His timing. He will meet you with your needs in His time.

thanks for dropping by my blog. God bless.

Bonnie said...

Cute story! I was a rocker when I was growing up,and we didn't have a rocking chair. I'd rock in bed until I felt tired and then I'd fall asleep. My parents bought several mattresses for my bed.They were not happy about that.

Joe said...

Good post and good story.

Doing what God wants us to do is hard at times.

Failing to do what God wants us to do is dangerous at best.

Waiting on the Lord is the hardest of all.

What's my Mission said...

Hey Shelley:
You know you are in my prayers!!! Waiting on the Lord is HARD work but I guess if it were easy everyone would do it. God will reward your desire to listen and seek Him, as you live your life in obediance to His will. Cling to His promises... Psalm 33: 20 We wait in hope for the Lord; he is our help and our shield
Psalm 5: 3 "In the morning, O Lord, you hear my voice; in the the morning I lay my requests before you and wait in expection"
Psalm 37:4 "Delight yourself in the LORD; and he will give you the desires o your heart"

If I sound preachy, I don't mean to. It's just that these particular verses are ones that I draw comfort from, for similar reasons to yours.

Take heart, my friend. God has not forgotten you. Love you lots!!

BHGA said...

I love the tender heart you have and how it shows in your writing and in your approach to God. I always remember wanting children from the time I was 16 and on; he placed them in my path through my nieces and nephews, friends, etc., until He was ready to fulfill it in me...It was His timing and I know that now...and what a joy they have been to me. When your joy comes from Him, it is so worth the wait. Continue to seek Him. Thanks for your continued visits to my blog.
God Bless.

Jennifer said...

Oh Shelley, my heart aches for you. I love your humble and honest attitude. I know God has someone waiting just for you! You are in my prayers.

Christine said...

My husband waited quite a while for me (which was definitely worth the wait! ha!). :)

Make sure you're living as though this is how you'll be serving Christ for a lifetime. Are you using your gifts? Are you wise with your money? Are you taking advantage of the things you can do for God without a family?

I have a lot of friends who married much later than they "planned." Only, now they have terrible regrets over how they chose to live while single. They realized it was its own special opportunity, and they didn't grab it by the horns and live it to the fullest. My husband talks a lot about the mission ventures he could have done, and the volunteer work he knew God was nudging him toward. Instead ... he played video games!

Love your blog!

Matthew said...

Reading this makes me ache too. But I have come to believe that God's will is always better than our own, and he is faithful. It's my prayer that He hears you and works his will for you, and opens your heart to do what you need to do.

Also, I miss our talks on Yahoo. :(