We look after my nephew quite often. He is 2 and is soooo adorable and cute! Today was one of those days when he was here. My parents had picked me up from church after service, and D was asleep in his carseat, his head tilting to the right. I'm sure it must have been hard on his neck, but he didn't budge. I sat beside him in the backseat, trying to keep my hand draped around the top of the carseat, holding his head at a more comfortable angle and almost gave myself a kink in the neck, hehehe.
When we got him home, my dad put him to bed but a bout an hour later he woke up. I went to get him and he looked a little upset, like he wanted to go back to sleep but couldn't. He ran to me with his arms in the air and I reached down to pick him up. He just clung to me, and sort of sobbed. I thought maybe he had a bad dream.
I brought him out to the rocking chair (my favourite kind of chair) and we rocked some and he tried to go back to sleep but couldn't get comfortable. He'd rest with his head on my shoulder, then slide down on his back with his little legs hanging somewhat over the arm of the chair. I then brought him back to the bed and said I'd lay down with him a bit (figuring he might be a little scared if he did have a bad dream). Well, he curled right into me like he was looking for protection. I stayed there about 15 minutes while he slept. My neck was getting a kink this time because he hand't let me get comfortable or at a good angle, and he was laying with his head on my arm. I tried to move and get my arm out, but he rolled over and curled into me again. Finally after the 15 mins, I got up and he came out with me to the rocking chair again where he just sat on my lap and cuddled.
It seemed like my 'motherly' instincts were kicking in (I have no kids so I don't know if that is really possible or not) and I wanted to protect him from his bad dream. I wanted to comfort him and just hold him (like I did). I want to do so much for him, help him, teach him, etc. but he's not my child. He's my nephew, and I guess I can only do so much...
As I sit here, I really feel my clock ticking, really feel like my time is running out to have kids. I yearn to be a mother, I ache, like tonight to have children. I know that God has His timing, that if He wants me to have them I will (all things in His time). However, tonight that isn't comforting to me. I don't think that God would give me (if in fact it is from Him) such strong desires to be married and have children if He didn't have this planned for me. The thing is, I don't know if that is in fact what God has planned for me and it makes me feel so...I don't know, sad doesn't seem to describe the feeling, yet I can't put words to it.
I'm trying to trust God. I'm trying to find if His will is for me to get married and have kids, but truth be told, I don't know. I pray but I don't feel as though I am hearing Him. I don't know if He is telling me 'no' or 'wait' or 'yes'.
Anyway, tonight I am just aching at the fact that I am not a mother. I get afraid that I might not be and I don't know why I would have such strong desires for marriage and babies if I weren't meant to have these two things.
Anyway, I am still praying and still trying to hear God's voice. I'm trying to trust in this, but it's so hard when the desire is so overwhelming.