Only God Can Help Me

I hadn't realized just how much fear, low self-esteem, and insecure I have become in the last several years - well, some I've had all or most of my life, but some has manifested in the last number of years.

Not until the past few weeks of talking with S.  We've had some good heart-to-heart conversations and he's helped me to make some revelations.  I didn't realize how much I've been holding on to, and I've been listening to the enemy's lies and letting him have control far too long.

I'm not going to go into details, because it doesn't matter on here.  I will say, however, that I know I have a lot to work to do in overcoming my fears, etc., and, I have begun the process of trying to heal.  I won't overcome all of this overnight.  And I certainly can't do it on my own.  Only God can help me.  But, I need to be open to the promptings of the Holy Spirit.  I need to let Him work in my life and stop hindering Him; stop pushing Him away, thinking that I can do this on my own. Because, I can't.

I am adopting a key verse from the Bible that I am currently clinging to:

"I will give thanks to You, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made..."  Psalm 139:14

This verse is my starting point.  This verse is something I need to remind myself daily - or as many times in the day as need be.  I am fearfully and wonderfully made!

Give Thanks For Everything

The Bible tells us that we should give thanks, to God, for everything.  

Everything.

That doesn't mean that we only give thanks when something goes "our way" or for blessings we receive,  or things we have, or when times are good.  Yes, we should give thanks at those times, and often do, but those aren't the only things we are to be thankful for.

When we are having a bad day, when we get into a car accident, when we are sick, we should give thanks.  When the bus is not running on time and we are late for work and the boss yells at us, give thanks.  When a relationship breaks up, when we are expecting guests for supper and we burn the food to a crisp, give thanks.  Lose your job? Give thanks. Get a bad mark on a test or report card? Give thanks.

Sure, it's easy to give thanks for the good and positive things happening in our lives.  But it's more difficult when things are going bad - especially when faced with times of serious illness or death. We don't often see these bad situations as something to be thankful for, but it's during those difficult situations when we really need to turn to the Lord. These are times when we learn and grow. Those are times when we can thank God that He cares about us and what we are going through.

Often when things are going good for us, we don't tend to put our trust in the Lord.  It seems that we (not all of us, though, as I know some people are pretty good about trusting God during the good and the bad times) more often turn to Him when times are tough, praying (and sometimes begging) for things to get better.  But this is a great time to learn to trust Him, have faith that He is with you no matter the results of your situation, and  believe that no matter what, He loves you and will not leave you during the dark times (or at any time for that matter).  Be thankful that He is there for you to turn to.

I know it's not easy to be thankful during rough times - at least that's what I find for me.  Those are times when I want to be in control of things, when I want things to run smoothly, when I want everything to be good.  However, I am not in control. God is.  And no matter what happens during the rough times, God will be beside me and I know that I am in a process of growing and stretching in my faith.

I, myself, need to remember and learn to give thanks to God for the bad times as well as the good.  I tell you, I'm a work in progress and still learning, even though I've been a Christian for awhile now.  It's an ongoing process and something I hope I keep doing for the rest of my life.


Ephesians 5:20 

...always giving thanks to God the Father for everything, in the name of our Lord Jesus Christ.

A New Look, A New Bible Study, and Possibly A New Self-Discovery

I thought it was time for a new look on my blog, and this is the (free) design I decided to go with.  What do you think?  I like the colours, the brightness, and it makes me think of summer back home.

In my last post, I mentioned about being sick with the flu. Well, I also ended up with a cold and it lasted a couple of weeks.  Although I had a little bit of the cough left, it wasn't bad and it was pretty much gone.  Well, last Saturday (about two weeks after I had been sick with the flu) I woke up to a congested cough and have had it for the last week.  I've had a bit of sneezing and runny/stuffy nose with it, but it's mostly been the cough that doesn't seem to want to go away.  And, Wednesday I ended up with my right eye being a little itchy and by the end of the day it was red and watery as well.  No, I didn't (and don't) have pink eye.  The redness has pretty much disappeared (except if I've been on the computer too long), but it's still watery and the itchiness only lasted a little bit at work - though I guess from time to time there is a little bit of an itch, but it's not bad and it doesn't last.  I really can't wait until I'm all better again.  I hate being sick.

I decided to take this weekend to rest and hopefully get myself better.  I've been catching up on some knitting (started a new fair isle hat), a little reading, and I've been working on the Bible study for the one we recently started for this session at my Monday night Bible study.  Tomorrow is a holiday  here (Family Day), and I keep forgetting and thinking I have to go to work, but I don't.  I hope to do some more knitting and maybe some art journalling.

In my Bible study, the first chapter is dealing with the verse that talks about not worrying about tomorrow (well, there is more, but this is the part I want to focus on).  I'm a worrier. I think I get that from my mother.  Part of the study includes journalling our prayers.  I've written down prayers in a journal before, but just specifics like "praying for my cold to go away" and then drawing a line to write the date when it gets answered, as well as the date I record it.  This one, however, is requiring much more than that.  We have to write down the actual prayer we would pray, the situation, etc.  So, while I was doing that, I made a discovery (it probably came from the Holy Spirit) that my worry seems to be rooted in fear and lack of trust.  I won't go into specific details, but that is what I am concluding so far.

I hope through this Bible study I will grow in my faith and walk - and in other areas of my life as well.

Well, I'm off now to watch some more of the Olympics and cheer for the Canadians!

Go Canada!!

As Though The Curtain Parted

Last week, as I read my devotions (I have been fairly disciplined in that so far this year), I came across a couple of sentences that really spoke to me. They said:

Don't waste energy regretting the way things are or thinking about what might have been. Start at the present moment - accepting things exactly as they are - and search for My way in the midst of those circumstances.*

When I read those words, it was as though the curtain parted and I could now see what I couldn't before.

For several years now, I've often thought and wished that I still had those same feelings of wonder and excitement that often accompanies a Christian when s/he first accept Jesus as Saviour. It's the time when you feel invincible, that nothing and no one can deflate the swelling of your heart as it fills to overflowing with desire to be like Jesus, to make Him proud of who you are, and the fire burns bright and strong.

I wish I could say that I know the exact moment or time when the fire diminished,but I can't. Along the dimly lit path I walked, I was aware of becoming tired and worn out. I wondered if I was actually following the Lord's leading, or if I was setting off down the road and leading myself.

I grew weary. I held back. And instead of calling out for support from the One who leads, it seems as though I let Him go on ahead while I sat to catch my breath. Now, I know that He does not go off ahead and leave us behind; He stays with us and waits. He's there to help carry us, to guide us, to lead us. But my problem is, I don't think I ever accepted His help in that matter. I never asked. And it felt like He left me on my own.

I think what I did was to try and carry on my way on my own merits. I didn't stop to say, "Hey, I'm a little winded here. Can you help me along?" or "Carry me until I catch my breath again." Think of a little child walking beside her father. She's tired from the journey so he reaches down, picks her up, and carries her until she gets her strength back. That's how I felt...only I tried to keep up the pace without being carried. It didn't work very well. And, there are still times in my life when I feel that way - tired and weary on this path.

In the last couple of years I have often thought, ""If only I felt the way I did in the beginning; If only I had the fire I had back then." And that's really the crux of my situation.

I shouldn't be thinking about what it was like then. That's the past and there is nothing I can do about it. If I'm living in the past, I'm certainly not living in the here and now - and certainly not putting my focus on what I could/can be doing for the Kingdom.

As the devotion says, "things are they way they are now" and I need to seek the Lord in my current situation and take it from there. Start fresh and anew. I can't get the past back, and I certainly won't get the fire ignited again if I don't tend to it.

I need to discipline myself into not thinking/worrying about the past, and put my focus on today. God can do great things in and through me if I'd only let Him. And by focusing on the past, I'm not allowing Him to work in my life.

Do you focus on the past, present or future?

* Jesus Calling by Sarah Young, page 23

An Ear To Hear

I've been thinking lately.

I've been thinking about how it doesn't seem like God is speaking to me, like He's not listening to me or my prayers, and how it certainly seems like my prayers aren't being answered.

I've been thinking about possible reasons why.

What I've come up with is that I don't seem to be spending quality time with Him. Sure, I'll pray and read my Bible, but am I taking the time to sit and actually listen? Am I taking the time to let God speak to me, or answer my questions? Am I meditating on what the Word says, or am I simply reading it in order to say I've read my Bible for today?

When I pray, my mind can't always seem to focus. Sure, I might start out focused, but pretty soon my mind is off following a bunny trail down to some other thought, thinking of some other want/desire, thinking about what happened at some other point in my life (or what I'd like to happen). Then, I find it very difficult to get back into focus.

I've thought back to when I was new to the faith, new in my walk, and how my prayer life seemed to go so well (regarding focus and praying well), how when I read my Bible I would search more into it with commentaries, how I could apply it more to my life or create little devotionals from passages or verses I'd read.

The only thing that I can think that has changed, is me. It's certainly not God who has changed. For a number of years now, I've had difficulty with my walk - difficulty in focusing, trusting, hoping - and I've realized that I have changed. I don't spend quality time with the Lord as I once did. I rush through my prayers (and Bible reading) and don't give Him a chance to speak - or I'll give a time limit, like requiring God to "speak" to me by the time I finish reading a chapter or by the time I finish praying (without allowing quiet time to listen to Him).

How can I expect to build a quality relationship with the Lord if I'm not investing in it, if I'm being to focused on me and my wants and not allowing Him to speak. How can I expect Him to be my best friend if I don't let Him into this relationship?

I've been thinking that I need to take more time and invest it wisely in the Lord. And, I need to start ASAP.

Who is your BFF, and what do you like to do with him/her?

Jesus Juked By the Man Himself

Last night I was having a quiet moment before bed. Usually this is just me listening to music (mostly Christian, but occasionally secular). It was no different last night.

I sat in my rocking chair, my ipod plugged into my ears, and I listened. While the music played, and the singers sang, I listened to the words to some of the songs and thought they were so poetic, so brilliant. I even admit that I wished I had written them; but, I didn't so there's nothing I can do about that except write my own words (i.e. poems, stories...I'm not a song writer).

After a few moments, I thought it would be a good time to pray. The house was quiet, and I was the only one awake. I changed my listening habits from being those of simply enjoying the music, to using it to praise and worship God (silently through the headphones of my ipod, and the praise/worship coming from my heart rather than my mouth).

Then, I prayed.

I started by confessing sins to God and asked for forgiveness of them. I won't go into all the details, but I will say that I told God that I know He has a plan for my life and I know it is probably not the way I think it will be or expect. I told Him how I used to cling to Jeremiah 29:11-13 (written below)when I was in university and how I'm still trying to cling to that promise (even though at one point I had someone tell me that the promise in those verses was for the Israelites, and not us...yeah.).

11 'For I know the plans that I have for you,' declares the LORD, 'plans for welfare and not for calamity to give you a future and a hope. 12 Then you will call upon Me and come and pray to Me, and I will listen to you. 13 You will seek Me and find Me when you search for Me with all your heart. (NASB)

Now, to be honest, I have verse 11 memorized, and verse 13. I stumble over trying to quote the middle verse. So, while talking to God, I mostly focused on the verse 11, briefly mentioned that I am calling upon Him, but I just don't feel like He is listening to me.

That's when it struck me. And I'm sure it was God's nudge.

You will seek Me and find Me when you search for Me with all your heart. I have been searching, seeking, talking, asking, etc. but, I haven't been doing this with all my heart. Ouch.

Is it fair to say that I have been Jesus juked by the Man Himself?

I think, the Holy Spirit was trying to tell me that the reason I haven't been hearing Him for awhile now, or feeling as though He had abandoned me (which I know He didn't do), was because when I have been seeking Him, when I have been calling on Him, when I have been searching for Him, I wasn't doing it with all my heart. I was letting thoughts, feelings, things of the world get in the way!

So, now as I seek the Lord with regard to my walk - which path to take, and seek His will for my life (present and future), I know the enemy is going to bombard me and try to get my focus put back on things that will block me from hearing the Lord, from finding Him and know what it is He wants me to do. Please remember me in your prayers that the Lord will protect me and not let the enemy get to me. Pray that now that I am aware that I need to come to Him with all of my heart, that I will do just that - and not let things or thoughts or feelings get in the way and hinder me. And, pray that the Lord will reveal to me the path I need to take.

Is This Not The Fast Which I Choose?

Yesterday's sermon was great, and it definitely spoke to me. The pastor even said that he can't ever read this without feeling convicted.


Pastor T (our pastor of family ministries) spoke on Isaiah 58. The chapter talks about how God's people would cry out loud to the Lord, they were being obedient in what they were doing:

Yet they seek Me day by day and delight to know my ways,
As a nation that has done righteousness
And has not forsaken the ordinance of their God
They ask Me for just decisions,
They delight in the nearness of God.
        (Isaiah 58:2)

The people fasted and humbled themselves, but they felt God was not listening to them, or seeing what they were doing.


So often, I think, we also feel that way. I know in my own life, especially these last few years, I have definitely felt like God has turned a blind eye, and ignores the things I do (or try to do) for Him.


There was one problem, however, with what the Israelites were doing. We read in verse 3 that, "...on the day of your fast you find your desire."

Basically, they were being selfish in fasting and in being humble (which, really, is a false humbleness or humility). They weren't helping others, and they put the focus all on themselves. They fasted and had food that they weren't eating, but they did not share it with those who did need it. They were doing these things (fasting, being humble, etc.) but yet were acting in an evil manner to others - "..you fast for contention and strife and to strike with a wicked fist" (verse 4). That is totally not the way to behave!


God goes on, in verses 6 and 7 to tell his people:

Is this not the fast which I choose,
To loosen the bonds of wickedness,
To undo the bands of the yoke,
And to let the oppressed go free
And break every yoke?


Is it not to divide your bread with the hungry
And bring the homeless poor into the house;
When you see the naked, to cover him;
And not to hide yourself from your own flesh?

The people needed to be putting their focus on others, and not themselves. They needed to stop being wicked and evil, and to start sharing their food with those who had none (or very little), share their homes and their beds with those who were homeless, and give their clothing to those in need.


During my walk, for the last while, I have felt like God has been ignoring me (even though I know He hasn't). You see, I put the focus on why God has not done something for me, or answered prayers; but, in actuality, it is because of what I haven't been doing.

While Pastor T was speaking, it occurred to me that I have been acting the same way the Israelites were. For so long, it has been all about me - what I need, what I want. I definitely think it's time for a change in my actions! I need to start focusing on the needs of others.


I love what God promises (in verses 8 to 11) if we put our focus on others and not ourselves, and do as He says in the verses above:

Then your light will break out like the dawn,
And your recovery will speedily spring forth;
And your righteousness will go before you;
The glory of the LORD will be your rear guard.


Then you will call, and the LORD will answer;
You will cry, and He will say, 'Here I am '
If you remove the yoke from your midst,
The pointing of the finger and speaking wickedness,


And if you give yourself to the hungry
And satisfy the desire of the afflicted,
Then your light will rise in darkness
And your gloom will become like midday.


And the LORD will continually guide you,
And satisfy your desire in scorched places,
And give strength to your bones;
And you will be like a watered garden,
And like a spring of water whose waters do not fail.

Isn't God awesome?!

Are there any Bible verses that are speaking to you today? I'd love to hear what they are in the comment section!

Silence Is Golden

This week in Sunday school, we discussed being silent before the Lord in order to hear His voice. This is something we might find difficult to do, depending on our situation - like if you have small children (or any children) or a job that takes up a lot of time.

We tried to do this for a brief amount of time in class, and some of us had a difficult time, while others didn't seem to mind at all. For me, it was difficult.

I find it difficult to turn off my mind or stop it from wandering. Usually one thought leads to another, and that one to another, and so on. Or, I'll hear a noise or talking or whatnot in the distance (in this case it was coming from the class next door to ours, and from the kids music program down the hall), and seem to focus on that - even if I pray and ask the Lord to help me refocus on Him. It's not an easy situation!

Here are some guidelines we discussed prior to doing this exercise in the class:

1. Prayer (5 minutes) - settling into quietness and stillness, trust God with "to-dos" or jot them down in a quick note.

2. Read through your Bible passage once (in our case we tried this exercise using Matthew 5:1-12), then read it again, this time more slowly.

3. Pay attention to verses that stand out to you.

4. In what ways are you feeling plessed?

5. In what ways have you experienced the truth of these verses lately?

6. How do these verses intersect with your life right now?

7. Are there ways in which these verses seem odd to you? (It is totally OK if they do)

8. Are there ways you sense God is telling you to change? How do you react to this?

9. What do the verses tell us about God?


As I said, I didn't find myself successful with the attempt of being silent before the Lord in class. Not only did I find the noise around me (from other classes) distracting, but I wasn't sitting in a comfortable chair either. To me, that is one of the big factors - the need to be comfortable before I can concentrate or focus. I'm the same way if I'm studying something too; I need a comfortable chair.

So, because this didn't work for me on Sunday, does that mean I won't try it again? Of course not! I will try this again and see how it works for me then - and of course, I'll make sure I have myself a nice, comfortable chair!

Have you tried being silent before the Lord? Have you heard him speak to you this way? I'd love to hear your experiences with it!

Words Are Powerful. Try Journaling

Yesterday in Sunday school, we talked about journaling, and how useful it is in our walk. We learned three basic ideas:

Writing is a record and a reminder.By keeping a journal, we are able to look back and see where we have been, where we have come from. It's also a good way to see just how God has worked in our lives - a nice little reminder for those times we are feeling down or feeling like God isn't or hasn't worked in our lives (you know those times, it's when the enemy gets hold of our thoughts and tells us that we are such a bad person and how can we call ourselves Christian because we've done such and such and if that's the case, why would God love us or work in our lives). In other words, journaling can help us grow in our walk.


Some people keep prayer journals. Back when I felt such fire for the Lord, felt passionate about my gifts and talents and what I wanted to do, back when I was in the first year of my first degree in university (way back in 2002), I kept a prayer journal. I would record the date, the person I was praying for and the situation. I would write a notation at the bottom such as "Answered: (insert date answered here). There were times I wasn't sure if a prayer had been answered, but I did my best to keep up with the journal and recording the dates they were answered.

I came across that journal a couple of months ago, and I had a quick glance through it. I remembered many of the situations I had prayed about, the people I had prayed for (several were people from school), and was able to see just how many answered prayers there were.

 The type of journal I'm writing about today is more of a day to day (or if not daily, then frequently), journaling our thoughts, etc. of what we have read in our devotions or Bible reading.



Writing is a retreat - the secret places of our heart and mind (our ups and downs). We did a "practice" journal entry in class with a limited amount of time. When that time was up, many people agreed that the time seemed to go by quickly. It's a good way of voicing (in print) our thoughts, feelings, questions, etc. about our walk, about what the Lord may have revealed to us in the Word, how the reading applies to us, what we may fear.


I know some people have a difficult time talking with others about matters of their heart (with regard to their walk with the Lord). For me, there are times when I don't want to talk to someone because I know tears will be involved, and I don't like crying in front of people. Journaling gives an outlet to express our fears, thoughts, etc. in a safe environment. We can record the times we've failed, the times God has brought us out of the "depths of despair" (to borrow a phrase from Anne Shirley in Anne of Green Gables).

Several of the Psalms, Chronicles and Job examples of recordings of times when people have had ups and downs in their lives. We don't just want to focus on the good things (the ups), because we all know life is not made up of just good times. We will have struggles and troubles along the way, and it's also good to record those as well as the good times.

Connection with God. Journaling can connect us with God. It can be another form of prayer - written as opposed to spoken. Sometimes God will give us a revelation and we can record that in our journal. Look at Revelation 1:1, for example: "The revelation of Jesus Christ, which God gave him (John)..." We can also see in the Old Testament that the revelations given to the prophets were recorded (2 Chronicles 33:19) "...all are written in the records of the seers".

So, you've decided you want to try journaling. Here is a good "formula" (for lack of a better word) when you sit down to write:

 1. Always start with prayer
2. Use a passage or verse
3. Write it out
4. Summarize it
5. Write your responses to it (good, bad, questions, etc.)

If you haven't tried journaling, go ahead and try it. Let your thoughts and prayers go out through your fingers!

Have you journaled? What as your experience been? If you haven't, is this something you would be willing to try? Let me know in the comments section!

*** Edited to add: Seems I somehow lost a big paragraph I had before the questions (in green). Not sure what happened with that, but if I can remember what I wrote, I will go back and add it later.

Wake Up Call

I'm sitting here this morning, in the living room. I'm on the couch, and the cat is sleeping in the chair across the room, occassionally snoring (or what sounds like a snore). It's quiet except for the fishtank in the dining room.

I've been trying to come up with a something to write about here, but not much was coming to mind. I surfed some other blogs, reading and hoping to spark some ideas along the way.

I just finished reading Michael's post and had a thought. I has totally nothing to do with what he wrote about though.

If you've been reading this blog for the last while, you'll know that I've been in a valley with a lot aspects in my life (I'll spare you the details). While writing my comment for on Michael's post, something popped into my mind.  Here's my thought process, however weird and jumbled it might be:

1. I need to learn to just "be" with God in those times, just "feel" His presence, and know that He's there - and then turn off my thoughts...or give them to Him. (this is part of my comment from Michael's post)

2. I seem to have been going through this valley for some time now. Why?

3. Maybe this is a test - I'm supposed to be learning how to rely on God, not myself or others to fill me up.

4. I think I might have a great photo to go with part of the verses I read in the Bible this morning. I should upload it in Elements and add the scripture to it ("As for man, his days are like grass; as a flower of the field, so he flourishes. When the wind has passed over it, it is no more, and its place acknowledges it no longer." Psalm 103:15-16).

5. My past is that flower in the field and the wind has passed over it. It's no more, and I'm at a point where I can start over again. At least that's how I feel. Everything I've learned and done (regarding my walk, my  ministries, etc.) reached a point in time where it needed to rest, to learn to trust - to start over.

6. I need to start over. Sure things went well in the past, but that's just it. They are in the past, and I need to stop living there and let God take me into the future - and more importantly, the present. If I keep holding onto the past, onto what was, how can I experience the present and the future?

7. I need to start over. I need to start from scratch (if that's possible) and relearn the basics. Maybe that's what I need to get me out of this valley. Start from the beginning, start with the cross.


So, that's where I am. I do know I need to put more focus on the Lord in my life. I guess I've let other things become more "important" than I should have. I guess I've replaced what is most important to me - and that is so sad. Hmm, maybe that is the source of my problem! I've created other gods (little 'g') in my life and gave them God's (big 'G') place.  Unlike Daniel (from a couple posts ago), I have defiled myself by eating at the king's table (not the King of Kings)...

Wow, what a wake up call!

I Felt Free

I went to church this morning. Not much different than the Sundays in the past. I had decided over the summer that I would take a break from teaching Sunday school this year - I felt I need to get myself back in tune, in touch, with learning again.

Last week, one of the teachers (from the class I had helped with last year) sent me a message on facebook to let me know she felt overwhelmed. There is another young lady in with her, helping to teach, but the class is bigger by about five or six kids. I told her that we would look into finding another adult to go into the class with them for "crowd control". I should insert here that I am the Sunday school coordinator for the elementary ages, under the head of the "main" Sunday school coordinator.

So, this morning, I went to the class with them to see how things went and to help with the kids. It didn't seem to bad to me, but then not everyone was there either. Both ladies did great - one teaches one week, and the next they switch so that they are not teaching 2 weeks in a row.

Things went well, but I said I'd still go in and help until we could find someone else to be the third person. I talked with the main coordinator before church this morning, and said that it might be a good idea to see if we could get a man in the classroom - someone to be the male influence. So often (at least in our church) it seems that women are the Sunday school teachers (though there is one man who helps his wife in one class). I thought of someone we might ask. The other coordinator approached this man, and he agreed to help. He will be in there just to help out and be the male influence - the girls will continue to teach.

During church, I must say that I felt great. It had been a long time since I sat in a church service and could focus on what was being said. It had been a long time since I "felt" like while I was singing, that I was actually worshiping. It had been a long time since I felt I "got anything" from the sermon. It had been a long time since I wasn't focusing on me and my problems during service.

Today, I enjoyed the sermon. Today, I felt like God was whispering to me, letting me subtly know that I've probably been feeling the way I have (with regard to my walk) because I am not spending enough time with Him! Sure, I read my Bible everyday (though some days I might forget or not get a chance), and I pray (but in all honesty, my prayers have been short and infrequent). But in all reality, I don't spend as much time with Jesus as I need to.

I have been focused so long on me. I have been worrying about my problems, my situations, my lack of things (i.e. husband, children, job, finances) and I haven't been focused on Jesus and following Him, or being like Him. If I want things to change in myself, I need to take the focus off ME and put it back on JESUS, where it belongs.

Today was a great day at church. I felt serenity. I felt some peace. Today, I felt free.

Waiting

So, by reading my previous post (and some of the other ones as of late) you know that I've mentioned how I don't feel that God has been speaking to me, or working in my life.

Yesterday, Sunday, I woke up still in a bad mood, still a little depressed. The evening before I was driving home and had the radio on the local Christian station. They were playing one of those count-down/request type shows and the DJ (do they still call them that?) was telling about a girl who had been suicidal and that if God loved her and cared about, He'd have to tell her. The next morning she woke up and turned the radio on and there was a song playing (they mentioned which one it was, but it's unfamiliar to me) that talked about God loving someone. I told God that if He cared at all about my situation, and that He hadn't forgotten about me and was still working in my life, then He'd have to do something than other than having a song play on the radio.

Yesterday at church was a little difficult for me. It was a great service, but I found it hard to focus and concentrate. I don't want to say I scoffed at the message, but I was annoyed with it because it seemed like the pastor kept talking about things that don't concern me (i.e. marriage, kids, etc.).  I'll even go so far as to say I was a little emotional during the service. I've had a hard several days prior to the service, and I think I was just stressed out and it came out in emotions I hate expressing in public. 

So, to make a long story short, I realized that God was using Pastor J's sermon to speak to me - to tell me to keep waiting on Him, and even though it might take longer than I would like, He is sill with me and I need to wait for His perfect timing. To be honest, I even "felt" like something is going to happen soon. I hope it does - but if it doesn't, I hope that I don't sink back into the funk I was in lately.

Everything in the sermon yesterday, as well as the verse from Psalms that I mention previously, are all pointing to me to just put my hope in God and not in the world, to wait on Him. So, that is what I'm am really going to try and do...but I do know, I can't do it on my own - I need the Lord to help me!

Thank you God for still caring about me, for still loving me, and for still having a plan for my life - even when I don't feel you do.

Link For "Seven Actions For the Times God Is Silent by Ron Edmonson

Ron Edmonson has a great post called, "Seven Actions For the Times God Is Silent". Something I definitely needed to read...and more importantly, do.  Check it out; you might be glad you did.

The Buzzing of the Bees in the Sycamore Trees

Ok, so we don't have any sycamore trees, but we definitely have the bees!

The rhododendron is out...well half of it, because the other half is pretty much dead. These blossoms attract several bees and when I was out taking some photos of them, I attempted to photograph the bees. I didn't have my zoom lens on, so I didn't want to get too close and end up getting stung.

Yesterday was beautiful outside, and in the early morning I had one of the living room windows open while I was sitting and reading my Bible. I could hear loud buzzing, and more than a few times I had to check to make sure the screen was on the window - I didn't want any bees flying into the living room! Thankfully the screen was on, so I was safe.

As I sat reading, the buzzing continued. A bee had found its way in between the open window and the screen, and was attempting to get out. I assume that it was seeing what was on the other side of the glass and thought it could get through it to get to its destination. The simple solution would have been for the bee to move three or four more inches to the right and it would have been free (eventually it found its way to freedom), however, it didn't do that; it kept attempting to fly through the glass.

So what does this have to do with anything, you ask? Well, I as I was sitting and thinking (after reading my Bible chapter), about how determined and persistent the bee was in trying to find its escape. No matter how many times it met with failure at flying through the glass, it kept trying - it didn't give up. This made me think of persevering in my walk - to not give up, but to keep seeking, and being persistent in following the Lord, no matter how many times I may fail.

I might not get what God has promised to me today, and maybe not tomorrow, but I can't just give up because things aren't going my way. If I give up, if I stop pursing, then I definitely won't receive what God wants to give me.

God wants to give us His blessings, but if we don't persevere through the trials, if we aren't persistent in our walk, how can we receive them? The book of Hebrews tells us this:

So do not throw away your confidence; it will be richly rewarded. You need to persever so that when you have done the will of God, you will receive what he has promised. (Hebrews 10:35-36)

No matter how difficult things may seem or may get, we need to remember the importance of persevering until the end. Our ultimate reward will come at the end, when we will have eternal life with Jesus Christ, but along the way, God does give us blessings. If we give up, we won't receive what He wants to give us. If we don't accept Christ as our Lord and Saviour, we won't receive eternal life with Him.

Let me encourage you (and myself) to persever, to be persistent in our walks, to not give up along the way. Let's be like the bee that, no matter how hard he tried and failed, he did not give up - he was persistant in finding his way, and eventually he succeeded and received his reward (freedom).

Don't give up my friend, be persistant and persever, no matter what you may be facing.

Revelation?

So I've been doing a lot of thinking lately - sometimes too much, and there has also been a fierce spiritual battle going on as well. The last several weeks have definitely not been fun!

I don't want to go into all the details, as I'm not comfortable in sharing all of this in Cyberland. I will say that what I've been going through has left me feeling mentally, emotionally, and spiritually drained. It also doesn't help that last week I didn't sleep well at all, and coupled with working all last week and two or three days the previous week, I've felt physically tired as well. The whole situation is long and complicated, and as I said, I am not comfortable talking about it in depth.

I've been angry at God lately, too, and having a grand ol' pity party I guess. Part of my spiritual battle (or perhaps the entire thing) has resulted in the angry feelings and blaming God on the lack of results from years of prayer over a couple of areas in my life. It definitely hasn't been a joyride, let me tell you!

Last night, I went to small group and we ended up discussing Joshua 24:14. We talked about what gods were, and Pastor J (who is in our small group) said that gods are something you fear (it holds power over you) and serve (gods demand your servitude). He continued to say that if you try to remove the god from your life (whatever the god may be), it will cause a great deal of distress when you remove it.  For example, if your god is the computer/internet, and you try to stay off the computer and you struggle to do so, then that is a god to you.  There is a constant struggle between us as humans and the gods we have in our lives.

As I was sitting in small group and listening to what Pastor J was saying (and others who were asking questions, etc.), I felt the Lord telling me that the issues I mentioned above have become gods to me. There is a great deal of fear for me with regard to the issues I mentioned previously (I am not in any kind of danger or anything like that). I felt the Lord telling me I need to let go of these issues and trust Him. I need to not worry about what the future holds - God is in control.

So, now I need to get rid of the gods that have been holding their power over me. It's going to be hard, but I know that the Lord will be with me through this difficult journey.

I'm A Failure

I admit it. I'm a failure. I've tried many different things and found that I have failed at them. In school, I failed a few tests. I've failed at relationships. I've failed at jobs. I've failed at a number of things I've tried to do.

Each time I fail at something, I wind up being overly critical of myself and feel worthless and no good. I tend to focus on the negative aspect of failure and tell myself how lousy I am - "You're a failure. You can't do anything right. You're a loser!"  Truth be told, I think the majority of us (if not all) tend to beat ourselves up and feel terrible when we fail at something. But we don't have to be like that.

The thing is, failure can be good - despite what we might think.  It is through our failures and the mistakes we make in life that help us to grow. We gain new experiences and insights into who we are as people.  I was terrible at math when I was in school; it was definitely a subject I struggled with. I am not a math person at all. When I failed on a math test (to be honest, there were more near failures on these tests, but I did fail some), it taught me that this was a subject I couldn't do on my own. I just simply couldn't understand the concepts. If I wanted to get better, I would have to get extra help (which I eventually did) - even if I felt like a loser for having to do this.  Really though, asking for extra help does not make you a loser, despite what you think at 12 or 13 years old! I eventually humbled myself and asked for extra help, got it, and did better on my tests.

When we fail, and if we are honest with ourselves we know that we will fail at something in our lives (we are human afterall, and we aren't perfect), we have two choices to make:

1. Let the failure define us

2. Let the failure drive us

If we let failure define us, then we will be more apt to focus on the negative aspects like I mention at the beginning of the post - we will feel useless or worthless, or feel as though we can't do anything. Negative thoughts and feelings about failure will cause us to be afraid to try something new for fear that we won't be able to do it. These types of thoughts and feelings can also cause us to feel as though no one would like us because we aren't perfect - I mean, really, who wants to be with someone who fails at whatever he/she tries? (note the sarcasm used here).  But guess what, God still loves us - even when we fail!

Allowing our failure to drive us puts a positive spin on these types of situations.  "So what if I fail" should be said as a statement. Spoken this way, our failures will drive us rather than define us.  So what if I failed my test. I now know that I need to study harder.  So what if I didn't make the sports team. I am going to practice harder everyday and polish my moves; that way I can try out again next year and have a better chance of getting on the team. So what if I failed at drawing. I've since discovered that I am a much better sculpter. (The above are just examples, and not necessarily drawn from my own life.)

Satan likes to encourage us to let our failures define us. He wants us to focus on those so that we won't try or do anything new for the Kingdom of the Lord. He wants us to remember and feel like a failure because we can't cook very well. Letting that failure define us might cause us to not want to reach out to others and invite them to our homes for fellowship. He wants us to focus on what we can't do, or what we are afraid to do for fear of not being successful.  If we take the same situation and let that failure define us, we might think something like, "So what if I can't cook. I can still invite people over to my home for fellowship - I can host a Bible study or just have people over to watch the game on TV."

The point of this post is that we all fail at something (or many things); we aren't perfect. God can still use a "failures". We might have done something terrible in the past, or had something awful happen to our family, but God can still use it for His Kingdom. Our past experiences help us to reach out and help others who may be going through the same or similar experience now.  For example, if a woman has had a miscarriage in the past, she is better equipped to help another woman having the same experience than would a woman who has not had a miscarriage. Someone who has struggled through addiction in his past is better abled at helping someone currently struggling through an addiction. God can, and does, use our past failures and experiences for good.

From the beginning of time, humans have failed. That's why God sent his only Son to die for us and to save us.

Do you let your failures define you or drive you? How can you use your failures for the Lord? What do you think the final paragraph means?

Passing On The Torch

For the last few months, the Olympic torch has been travelling across Canada as it makes its way to British Columbia for the 2010 Winter Olympics. Torch bearers all across the country have carried the torch for a certain distance, and when they reach the end, they pass the torch on to the next person to continue carrying on the task.

It's like that for Christians as well, only we call it discipleship.  A disciple is a follower of a person, and in Christianity, that person is Jesus Christ.  It follows then, that Jesus was a disciple maker.  Each of the 12 He handpicked, in turn, also became disciple makers.  In order to become a disciple maker, we need to first be a disciple.  We can see this in other ways in our lives as well: parent/children relationships, coach/players relationships, teacher/students relationships, and the list goes on.  These disciple makers teach their disciples how to do what they need to do to fulfill certain roles.  The disciple maker role in the previous examples would be the parent, coach, and teacher; the "disciples" would be children, players, and students. 

In my small group/Bible study this week, we finished discussing 1 Kings 19.  The verses we looked at were from 15 to 21, which talked about Elijah passing on the torch (so to speak) to Elisha.  Elijah, the disciple maker, anointed Elisha, the disciple, to follow in his footsteps.  Elisha would be anointed as prophet to carry on in Elijah's place (vs. 16).

Normally, when the Bible is talking about anointing, oil would be used; however, in this case, Elijah used his mantle, or cloak, as a means to anoint Elisha (vs. 19).  By anointing, Elijah is giving authority to his successor.  This does not mean that Elijah lost his authority, though.  He was just elevated to another level.

By becoming Elijah's disciple, Elisha would be spending time with him, helping Elijah, or maybe doing things for the man (maybe he prepared Elijah's meals, for example).  We don't know at this point exactly what Elisha was doing, but we do know that he followed Elijah and became his disciple. He would, afterall, replace Elijah as prophet.

The thing about being a disciple, is that it doesn't always look as though we are learning.  A disciple spends time with his/her teacher, regardless of what is being done.  In other words, it doesn't matter what you are doing.  Remember the movie, The Karate Kid?  There is a scene from it where the teacher has the student waxing his car (the "wax on, wax off" line is famous).  The student thinks he is only waxing the car and doesn't understand that what the teacher is doing is preparing him.

When we are being discipled, it might not look like we are learning anything, but we are actually learning to be a disciple maker ourselves.  We see this in the New Testament with Jesus and his 12 disciples.  They spent time with their Disciple Maker, and by being with Him and doing what He asked, these men learned how to be disciple makers.  Jesus commissioned them to go into the world and make disciples.  However, if these men hadn't spent time with Jesus to learn how to make disciples, they probably wouldn't have succeeded in their commission.

It is like that with us today.  We might be a Sunday school teacher, an elder or deacon, a mentor to a youth - there are any number of leadership roles in the church.  In order for us to pass on the torch, we need to have our own disciples to teach so there will be someone to carry on the role, someone who knows what to do and how to do it.

Pastor J left us with two "questions with regard to being disciple makers, and I pose them to you as well.  Let me know in the comments section.

1. Who are you learning from? If you are not learning from someone currently, who do you seek to be with (someone you don't need to make an appointment to see)?

2.  Who are you going to "throw your cloak" over and let them be with you?  In other words, who are you going to disciple?

If you are unsure of the answers to the above, be sure to pray and ask God to reveal people for you to disciple, or to learn from.

Three Ways To Draw Closer To The Lord

In keeping with some of the ways I've been reading about for improving a blog, I've decided to to try one out this morning - the "how to" type of post...



There are many ways we can draw closer to the Lord, but I am going to discuss three of the most common ways.  As you know, by reading previous posts, I had/have been going through a dry spell where I seemed to have strayed of my path with the Lord.  Oh, I still believed and all - didn't lose my faith - but I just couldn't seem to draw close to Him.  These are ways I am using to get back on track and back on the path of my walk with the Lord.


Read the Bible:   The Bible is God's Word.  We read in John 1:1, "In the beginning was the Word, and the Word was with God, and the Word was God."  This is, of course, referring to Jesus.  How do I know this?  In verse 14, we read, "And the Word became flesh, and dwelt among us."


As Christians, the Bible is very important to us; it is about Jesus (and it is Jesus), and it is a way to help guide us and our walk.  God can still speak to us through His Word; therefore, we need to immerse ourselves in the Bible, and we need to set aside time every day to read it. 

While I was struggling in my walk, I had talked with my pastor and he told me that it's OK to just sit and read it for the sake of reading.  Every time we read, it doesn't have to be a time to study the Bible; sometimes we need to get back on track and just simply reading a chapter or two (or more) is enough to jump start our walk again.  This worked for me.  It has been over two months since I got back into reading my Bible every day, and may have only missed a reading once.

Studying the bible is important, but there are times when we find that we can't study it.  At those times, we need to remember to not stop reading, to not get away from His Word.  At those times, simply reading the Bible is OK.  God can still speak to us through the Bible, even if we are just reading it.


Meditate:   I am not talking about the Eastern tradition of meditating whereby one sits with legs crossed in the lotus position, hands turned upright, eyes closed, and saying "ohm" over and over.  No, what I am referring to is simply thinking about what you have read.  Taking our Bible reading a step further, we should meditate on the passages that speak to us, and think how it applies to our lives. 

After reading your chapter(s) take some time to think over what you have read.  How does what you have read speak to you?  If you have been reading about repenting, is there anything you need to repent of?  If you've been reading the Psalms where David is praising God about something, do you need to offer praise to God?  

Pray:   Prayer is key in a Christian's life.  It's how we communicate with God.  The different types of prayers is a whole other post, which I won't get into here.  I just simply want to state that our God is a God with whom we can communicate.  We can lay before Him our cares and concerns, our praises and thanks, and anything else in our hearts.

Prayer is communicating - it's talking with God.  Don't worry if your prayers don't sound fancy; that's not what counts.  What counts is that you talk to the Lord.  Even though He knows everything, He still wants us to talk to Him and tell Him what we desire, what is troubling us, etc.

As with communicating to our family, friends, co-workers, and everyone, during prayer, we need to also listen.  If we pray to God and simply do all the talking, and don't offer Him a chance to speak to us, it is like calling your best friend and spewing out all your news and information without giving him/her a chance to respond, and then hanging up.  That's not communicating.  Communicating is when all parties involved have a chance to speak.

There you have it - three little ways that can help you draw closer to God.  By reading our Bibles, meditating on the Word, and praying, we can, and will, draw closer to the Lord.  It is important to practice these things daily.  It might take a little time to get to a point where we do things things on a daily basis, but don't be discouraged if you miss a day or two or more.  Just start over and keep at it.  And remember, if you are trying to draw closer to the Lord, the enemy will do what he can to prevent that from happening - be on your guard, and make sure to put on the full armor of God (Ephesians 6:10-18).

How do you draw closer to the Lord?  Is Bible reading, meditation, and prayer a daily part of your life?  Can you list other ways of drawing closer to the Lord?

No Pain No Gain

Yesterday, I went and got my H1N1 flu shot.  Thankfully, lines aren't a problem at this point; I only had a total of about 20 minutes waiting, and that included the mandatory 15 minute wait time after getting the needle.  I must have gone at a good time of day (a friend when the evening before and was there for about an hour in total).  And, the actual shot didn't hurt.  The pain came later.

By the time I went to bed last night, my arm was tender, sore, and stiff.  It wasn't as painful as some people have said their arms have been.  Never the less, it was still painful.  I really don't like pain - but then I don't know too many people (if any one) who actually do like pain.

Pain is a part of our lives.  It comes in many forms - physical, mental, emotional, and spiritual.  No matter what kind of pain we experience, it hurts.  In my walk with the Lord, I have experienced lots of pain as well.  Sometimes it is from something negative I have said or done, sometimes it is what someone else has said or done, and other times it is because I need to go through a particular experience in order to grow.  The pain might not be immediate; sometimes it is delayed, but it will surface at some point.

Without pain in our walk with the Lord, we wouldn't have growth.  We learn from our mistakes (which can often be extremely painful), and we grow.  Most times, these mistakes help us grow closer to God and strive to be more like Jesus.  If we lived pain-free/mistake-free lives, I doubt there would be any growth and we would end up becoming stagnant or worse.

When we are facing pain, struggle, hardship, etc., it is important that we turn to the Lord and rely on Him to bring us through.  We need to trust that He knows what He is doing and use these times to grow in our relationship and walk.  Sometimes we need to learn more trust, sometimes we may need to learn how to depend on Him.  And sometimes, we just might need to learn a particular lesson.

How do you deal with the painful and hurtful situations in your life?  How have you grown, or what have you gained, as the result of those situations?