Wednesday, March 20, 2013

God Is In Control

Today, I feel odd.

My mind is racing, somewhat. My thoughts are jumbled, and I can't quite place that odd feeling I am experiencing.

Yesterday, I fasted. I don't know if I did it "right" or if I even really completed it fully. My fast lasted about 13 hours and I think going into it I knew what my decision would be - somewhat. My decision will be affected by the summer, and hopefully I will know more by then.

But, I feel as though I'm taking the "safe" way out rather than truly relying on God. And, maybe this is the outcome God wants for me. Maybe I need to fast again and be a little more prayerful during that time. And, maybe I am being attacked by the enemy to doubt my decision and question whether I truly am following God's lead.

My racing mind and jumbled thoughts aren't based on yesterday. I'm fairly certain of that.

I have been reading Kisses From Katie on my Kindle these last few days. What an amazing woman! She totally relies on the Lord to get her through the days, weeks, months - to help her do what He has called her to do.  She obeyed the Lord's calling, following His lead to Uganda, where He has blessed her and the people in the village to whom she ministers.

I compare myself, my life, to Katie's. I know we should not do that, but I can't help it. I think this is where the jumbled thoughts and racing mind are coming from.

While I don't feel called to be a missionary, I do know that I need to follow Jesus more - rely on Him to help me, get me through good times and bad, and just trust Him. I must admit that I lack in this area. It's certainly something I need to work on - or rather, let Him work on in me.

I think reading this book coupled with what I've been praying and fasting about has caused me to examine my own life, my own thoughts and desires. What is it that God has planned for my life? What is my calling? Am I doing what He has called me to do (I do believe that I am, I just might not be pulling it off as well as I could be, or should be)?  What about the desires I've had forever - the ones that are closest to my heart? How do I know if those will come to be (or not)? How do I go about fulfilling those desires? Do those desires and my calling conflict, and if so, what is the right choice to make?

I certainly don't want to make one choice and be left wondering for the rest of my life if it was the right one to make. I think I could have both, but with that there would be give and take involved - and not just on my part. And that offers more confusion to my thought process.

I know that God is in control. He already has my life mapped out - what I will do, where I will go, etc. I just need to learn to trust Him more, and rely on Him.

I doubt myself. I doubt that I hear what the Lord is saying to me - or if He is/has answered my prayer and I'm left wondering if this is all from Him, or from my own decisions. How can I continue to serve Him to the best of my abilities and trust that His ways are the best - even if I don't get the answer I want to my desires.

That takes faith. That takes trust. And, that is certainly something He will have to give me, because on my own merits, I will fail at this.

Lord, You are in control. Help me to have faith and to trust that I am following your lead and not my own.

Monday, March 18, 2013

My Head Tells Me One Thing...

Hello, again.

I have had many things on my mind since my last post, and have been busy with work and tired when I get home.  I had also started a writing course, but sadly, that fell behind and I didn't get it completed.  I should have known better than to do it while I was working - but I thought I could handle it.

In February, I fasted for 24 hours while seeking an answer to something I had been praying about. I don't know if I had done it properly, or if I had really got an answer. While reading my Bible, the passage that had jumped out to me was in Matthew where it talks about asking and it will be given to you, seek and you will find, knock and the door will be opened to you. 

My response was a little shocking to me - something I hadn't expected. When I talked it over with my BFF afterward, she said that maybe I hadn't dealt with the past regarding this. The verse was one that I used many years ago when "praying" (though I wouldn't say I was a Christian at the time). I told God then that I had been asking but I wasn't receiving. That was when I turned my back on Him; put Him on the shelf.

Fast forward to last month. I was not going to let the enemy use that verse again in an attempt to get me angry at God, or turn my back on Him again. No way.  Both prayer and response (both times) was regarding pretty much the same thing/situation. I didn't want to have the same results this time.

So, a couple of days later I fasted again. This time for two days. I let people know so they could pray for me during this time (especially when I came off the fast because that was when I felt attacked by the enemy when I came off the fast from a few days prior).  I feel that God answered my prayer regarding one situation that time - gave me confirmation - but I don't know about the rest of the prayer.  I still pray about this, but don't know if it is something He is "working out" that will happen in time, or if it is a "no" response.  At any rate, I don't feel that I have a definite answer one way or the other regarding this situation yet.

So, now I am on Spring Break (we have two weeks off, and return back to school on April 2nd), and I have decided that I am going to fast again, though I don't know for how long yet.  I am faced with a choice to make, and while my head tells me one thing, my heart tells me another. I just really don't know what to do.  I am trying to trust the Lord for His direction and guidance.  When I fast this time (I think it might be tomorrow that I attempt this one), I am hoping to spend more time in prayer, reading the Bible, and focusing on God's will and desire for me in this.

It's so hard to know what to do. I want the best of both worlds - I want both situations, but I don't know if that is possible. I know, with God all things are possible, and He can work them both out...but I feel as though I have to choose between one or the other at this point.

But, like I said, I am trying to seek God's desire, His will, for me in this situation. I do have fear in either choice (fear of what if I chose the wrong thing, or should I have chosen the other), but I know that I need to trust the Lord (Proverbs 3:5-6) and be obedient to what He wants me to do.

On that note, I would appreciate any prayers over the next little while (especially for tomorrow, Mar. 19) for clarity, direction, and wisdom in what I should do.

Have a Christ-filled day!