Monday, April 12, 2010

The Start of A New Week

It's Monday, the beginning of a new week (well, technically yesterday was the beginning, but we always seem to classify it as being the end) filled with lots of promise. 

I am feeling somewhat better since my last post; at least the last couple of days have been not too bad. I don't know if my situations have changed, but regardless, I haven't felt as down and out of sorts since probably Thursday or Friday. I worked Friday morning, so that was a help at getting my mind off things. I've been praying (though probably not as much as I should), and realizing I'm focusing so much on me lately; I've been quite selfish and self-centered.

I guess it's not really about me anyway. I should be focused on others - praying for them, helping them, etc. and not worrying about what I want, or what I desire (even if it's been the strongest desires I've had since I was a child). It's not about me. That hurts.  But, we are to be humble and put others first and ourselves last.

I've been thinking lately about putting others first, about being more obedient to God and His commands, and it makes me wonder - if I do this, then will I get my desires? But, I suppose, that makes me selfish again. I should be doing for God and His people to further the Kingdom of God, to be more like Jesus, and not worry about whether or not I my prayers and desires will come true because I am obedient. It doesn't work that way. I need to pick up my cross and carry it. I need to die to self. I need God's strength, because I sure can't do it on my own! That's such a hard lesson to learn, especially in a "self-sufficient" and "I am weak if I ask for help" society.

So, that's where I am today. I'm trying to get back in touch with God, to "fix" my relationship with Jesus, to focus on others and not myself, and to not let fear have control over me.

Tuesday, April 06, 2010

Revelation?

So I've been doing a lot of thinking lately - sometimes too much, and there has also been a fierce spiritual battle going on as well. The last several weeks have definitely not been fun!

I don't want to go into all the details, as I'm not comfortable in sharing all of this in Cyberland. I will say that what I've been going through has left me feeling mentally, emotionally, and spiritually drained. It also doesn't help that last week I didn't sleep well at all, and coupled with working all last week and two or three days the previous week, I've felt physically tired as well. The whole situation is long and complicated, and as I said, I am not comfortable talking about it in depth.

I've been angry at God lately, too, and having a grand ol' pity party I guess. Part of my spiritual battle (or perhaps the entire thing) has resulted in the angry feelings and blaming God on the lack of results from years of prayer over a couple of areas in my life. It definitely hasn't been a joyride, let me tell you!

Last night, I went to small group and we ended up discussing Joshua 24:14. We talked about what gods were, and Pastor J (who is in our small group) said that gods are something you fear (it holds power over you) and serve (gods demand your servitude). He continued to say that if you try to remove the god from your life (whatever the god may be), it will cause a great deal of distress when you remove it.  For example, if your god is the computer/internet, and you try to stay off the computer and you struggle to do so, then that is a god to you.  There is a constant struggle between us as humans and the gods we have in our lives.

As I was sitting in small group and listening to what Pastor J was saying (and others who were asking questions, etc.), I felt the Lord telling me that the issues I mentioned above have become gods to me. There is a great deal of fear for me with regard to the issues I mentioned previously (I am not in any kind of danger or anything like that). I felt the Lord telling me I need to let go of these issues and trust Him. I need to not worry about what the future holds - God is in control.

So, now I need to get rid of the gods that have been holding their power over me. It's going to be hard, but I know that the Lord will be with me through this difficult journey.