This morning I had allowed myself to think of something that hurts me everytime I dwell on it. It is selfish, I suppose, this thought I was focusing on. If you could imagine me at the center of the picture with the words "woe is me" all around it, then you might have an idea of the way I see this as. In a sense, it might have been a pity party for one, and I was the guest of honour.
I often wonder why I don't have tons of friends. I have a small group of three or four close friends, which is great (and these ladies are fantabulous!); yet when I see others with lots of friends, people surrounding them wanting to talk about this or that, going out places together, you name it...I wonder why that can't be me. Why can't I have more friends who want to be intimate with me (and no, I am so not referring to sexual intimacy here), rather than just superficial?
I am somewhat extroverted, though I am also introverted (depends on the situation and if I feel comfortable or not). I try to be friendly to people, laugh and joke, etc. But yet I feel as though most of the people I have contact with are more of an 'acquaintance' type than a 'friend' type of person. It could be that trust is hard for me; I've had my trust broken a lot by various friends and others so I think that is one of those "deep down" things that hinder me from becoming friends with someone. It's not necessarily a grudge, but if someone has broken my trust, I tend not to trust them again - or at very least it takes me a long time to gain that trust back.
I know I am not perfect, far from it. I know that at times I can talk too much (which happens more frequently than I like), and that some people probably think I'm weird or something because of this; I know that there must be things about me that speak to others yet I am totally blind about...otherwise, wouldn't people want to get to know me? Sounds selfish or self-centered, I know, but I am not meaning every single person I come in contact with. I am meaning anyone in general. What is so wrong with me that people are just satisfied with being superficial...you know the "How are you? How is school? You must be done soon, eh?" kind of talk...small talk I guess. Why doesn't anyone want to dig deeper and find out more about me, or want to get to know me better and be my friend? Am I that bad? Am I that uninteresting? Do I talk that much? Is it because I am not exciting and interesting to them? It really makes me feel like I'm not good enough. It makes me feel like I don't fit in anywhere in church, or life for that matter. I suppose this is my "focusing on worldly things" attitude speaking, but I wonder about this and I often feel hurt by it. Of course I don't show it to others because heaven forbid they see me cry! Or worse yet, I will find out exactly why they don't like me!
So, I sat here in the living room, alone and talked to God. I had a heart to heart, and let the tears flow, let my eyes get all puffy and red (it's ok because no one is home except for me) and I told Him what I was feeling. Well, maybe not told, but asked a lot of questions. I felt so down on myself, so negative; and again that is wrong because I am being too self-centered. I know it is OK to take this sort of thing to God and talk to Him about it, but I can't help but feel like I do this sort of thing too often. It seems to be more about 'me' than 'others'.
As I cried and asked my questions (those 'what is wrong with me' kind of questions) and confessed that I talk to much (while thinking that I am going to do my best to speak less, shorten my words down so that I can say things in a couple of sentences rather than give details and stuff), I came to my answer. I don't know if God gave it to me, or He just let me talk and talk until I arrived at it myself or what. Anyway, I laid down on the floor prostrate (something I have never done) and repented and confessed that I am worrying about 'worldly' things too much, worrying about others liking me and wanting to be my friend (among other things) when all that I should be focusing on is God and that He like me. I know He does, and I know He more than likes me - He loves me. Basically, I rededicated myself to Him - told Him to use me where He wanted, asked for His help in getting closer and intimate with Him, asked for His strength and comfort and peace. I told Him that He could have every part of me - school, church, home life, worries, fears, everything. I know He will not let me down, but for some reason I feel afraid of what He will have me do...natural, or is it satan playing on me? Why does this scare me?
I need my embers to be rekindled into that flame I had in the beginning of my faith. I need that passion and drive I once had. I need to stay focused on Him. I need to give Him every part of my life. I need to spend more time with Him than I have been. I need His beauty pouring out from every part of me. I need for Him to be reflected in me and in my life...so that when others are around me, they can see Him. Is this selfish? Maybe. But I think it is something that He wants from each of His children. I am not saying I want this so that people will be friends with me or want to get to know me. I am saying this because I know that is what He wants...evidence of Him in our lives.
So, now I am sitting here feeling a little better. It still bothers me a little that I feel like people don't want to get to know me or don't care to get to know me...but I can't focus on that. I can't. I have prayed and asked God to help me to not care about it and asked Him to help me focus on Him.
Now comes the hard part...doing it.
My Christian walk has been up and down for awhile now it seems. I have never lost my belief in Jesus, my faith in Him or anything like that; but the walk itslef has been a struggle. A struggle to be in prayer and in the word more than I do; a struggle to spend quiet time with Him; a struggle to not focus on me and waste my time on things when I could be using it to spend with God. I guess it is a struggle we all face at times, though (I'm not the only one to go through this). I want Christ to be evident in my life, evident in what I say and do to/for others. I want them to recognized that I am a Christian. I don't know, maybe I'm just emotional right now, and maybe it's satan...I don't know. All I know is that I could use some prayer.