Feeling Like...

Hmmm, just what am I feeling like right now? Well, let me see...confrazzled works, so does befuddled and just plaint frantic and almost hyperventilating (or however you spell it). Why do I feel like this? Well, my Reformation paper is due on Monday and I goofed up majorly and my books I ordered on inter-library loan did not come in. What sources I do have do not seem to be helping and it just isn't going well. This paper (and the presentation that goes along with it) is worth 40% of my mark. Sure, I could have worked a little harder on this...started earlier or whatever, and actually I did, but was having a hard time finding books. The first batch I ordered inter-library turned out to be the wrong ones. I went to the prof and he helped me some, but none the less, I goofed up. I own up to that, and trust me when I say it hurts like heck to admit that.

I plan on applying for the education program, and while they say grades aren't everything, the do affect getting in or not to the program...well to a degree. If I stay in this Reformation class and fail it or just get by, my GPA (grade point average) will go down a lot and that will have some affect for me. If I withdraw from the class, I will get a 'W' (withdrawl) on my record, but that doesn't affect the GPA or anything. It just shows that you had to leave the class for some particular reason. If I were failing the course and withdrew, then I would have a WF on my record and that would be worse because that would affect later on. To the best of my knowledge, I am passing this course. I don't know if dropping out of the course at this late date would still give me WF or not. I think it would only be a W though.

It really pains me to drop out of this course (or any for that matter) because it makes me feel like a failure. Sure, if I failed the course, then I would be a failure (well, you know what I mean). You can ask anyone who knows me that I have not dropped out of any of my courses yet and I always feel upset at the possibility because I don't want it to affect my records. Everyone always tells me the only way it would is if I withdrew with a failing grade.

Anyway, I'm sitting here in tears, literally. I have messed up. Yeah, I know there are worse things that could happen. But quite honestly at this moment, that doesn't help. I think my pride is getting in the way with this. It's taking a beating at having to admit I messed up and I am the only one to blame for this. It's getting in the way, telling me I'm a failure for dropping the class...though I know I'm not.

Anyway, I hate this. I really do, and I have no one to blame but myself. So, that is what I'll do.