Yep, tomorrow is Monday. That means it's back to the ol' grindstone. I've been on Christmas break from school now about a month (little less than that), and it seems like even though the time has gone fast, that it also creeped along. It seems like I haven't been to school forever - but that's fine. I enjoyed the break.
I was able to get a bit of work in to help out with finances for school (did some Christmas shopping and yarn shopping too) and have been off for a little over a week and a half from that. I'm not complaining though. I was able to get relaxed and not feel stressed or worried, and was able to catch up on some knitting that I couldn't do with all the school work.
However, I do admit that last night I awoke with a start after just dozing off and couldn't get back to sleep until probably 2:00 or 2:30 am, maybe even closer to 3:00 but can't recall exactly. One of the things that kept running through my mind was the fact that school starts back up tomorrow (Monday), and I will get my marks back from first semester as well as the term papers.
In all honesty, this has me worried. I don't have much confidence that I did all that well - or at least as well as I would liked to have done. I know this is all in the past and that I can't do anything about it...the papers are written, the exams were done. I know that God is in control of the situation, etc. I also know that I shouldn't worry about this, that it shows lack of faith/belief. But still, I think what I am worried about is how it will affect my getting into the education program. I really don't think that I did very well, and I am afraid that I will have to face some of the same profs again (for different classes) and they'll think I'm stupid or something.
I guess, as I think this over again, is that I am also worried that if I did poorly that when I look at my marks (for final marks as well as for the papers) that I will get depressed, upset and cry at school...which is something I want to avoid. I admit, my pride is affected by this, or affecting the situation. I am afraid of people asking me how I did and having to tell them I didn't do well. I am afraid of looking stupid I guess. It seems like I have more fear attached to this than I thought.
Now, before anyone gets too excited and starts to tell me to just trust God, to not worry because I can't do anything about it now, or whatever, note this: I have talked to God about it last night and even today. He knows that this is something that I am dreading, something I don't feel confident about, something that I should stop worrying about. He knows all about it, he knows all about how I feel and everything connected with it. I have prayed and asked Him for His help tomorrow, asked for strength to get through the day, to especially not cry at school.
I know that I might be spewing all of this out for nothing, that maybe I did better than I thought (though I really don't think so) and will be excited...that would be great, but I am one of those people who plan for the worst case scenario 'just in case'. I think, weird as it sounds, I would rather worry that I did horrible and find out I did good than not worry and think I did great only to find out I failed or got a lower grade than I thought.
Anyway, I'm just trying to get this off my chest. I've taken it to God and I'm trying to leave it with Him; but as the final hour comes regarding this, I am worrying more. I am honestly trying not to think about it and to leave it with God, but it's hard...I will be doing more praying and talking to God about the situation though.
Please pray for me about this. Thank you.