Wednesday, March 18, 2009

Seriously Though...What Is Wrong With Me?

I'm feeling the struggle again tonight (and last night)...that spiritual battle that seems to be prevalent in me lately - or for the last I don't know how long.

What is it that Paul sahys - I don't do what I should do and I do what I shouldn't do...or something to that effect. That really seems to be what I am struggling with. I know I should be reading my Bible. I know I should be praying more often than I do. But it feels like my motivation is severely lacking.

In all honesty, these feelings seem to hit me most when I'm feeling tired and/or stressed. I feel so busy with school work, that it's like everything else gets put on the back burner. When I'm not doing school work I just want to relax and not do much of anything. I do know that I need to get some energy, and that means that dreaded "e" word - exercise. That would help in a lot of areas I think. If I had the energy, I'd feel like doing more.

I do realize (as I believe I've stated in previous posts) that I am placing things ahead of God - school, relaxation, hobbies. I also realize that is wrong. I need to prioritize things with God being at the top of the list. I often hear stories that when people put God first in their lives, then everything else seems to fall into place. I just wish I could see that in my own life. But, in order to see that, I need to actually do it.

I feel like I'm on a backward walk in my spiritual life. Several years ago I had been doing great - reading the Bible every day, studing it, praying, going to a Bible study, never missed church, helped out in various kids ministries at church. It seems like somewhere along the line I started taking two steps back for every step forward.

I'm taking a break this year from all my ministries (except the knitting thing, though that hasn't been happening much this semester either) because I feel that since I've been home from Korea, my focus needs to be on getting myself back on track. How can I teach others to read the Bible or pray if I'm not doing it myself? Besides, this year I don't have much in the way of free time because of school so I am limited in what I can do or even in joining some kind of Bible study.

However, I don't think a lot has happened for my walk to improve. Don't get me wrong, I've had improvements. But then something happens and I'm right back where I was before - not spending time with God.

I will continue trudging on. I won't give up on my walk. I just feel right now like I need a huge rest in order to start on the journey again. So, if you can, please pray that I will find motivation to pray and spend time with God, get the rest I need, and at least get back to where I was on my walk a few years ago (and even surpass that).

It's hard to explain what I'm thinking, or wanting to say...but God knows what I'm meaning.

1 comment:

Allena said...

big hugs. i'm seeming to be going through the same sort of funk. I'm praying I'm at the end.
i realize that sometimes after you have a huge high in your walk with God you seem to platau (sp?) to digest it all. and I remember reading psalms where David is crying out to God b/c he doesn't feel His presence. i'll be praying for you