Sadly, There Is No Swiss Chalet...

It's been nearly two months that I've been teaching up here in the north. There are many challenges, but overall things are going well.

Last week we (the teachers and administration) travelled to Calgary, Alberta for three days. We attended a teachers conference for teachers at Christian schools in British Columbia, Alberta, and Saskatchewan for two of the three days (the other was spent travelling). It was a pretty good conference, and it was also the first time I've been to Calgary (though there was no real time to see the sights or to shop).

I must say, things here are a little different than from what I'm used to. The city is a lot smaller than the one I am from, and there aren't as many stores and restaurants that we have back home. There are some, though, like Boston Pizza. Sadly, there is no Swiss Chalet - which happens to be my favourite restaurant. I guess it just takes a matter of getting used to the new area.

I also don't have a car here (or access to one), and that's been difficult to get used to. I don't mind taking the bus, but there are times when I would just like to have a car to go for a drive...or even for those times when I get a little too much at the grocery store and can barely carry it home because it's too heavy. Thankfully, I'm not very far from the grocery store.

Overall, I think I'm adjusting pretty well. I am usually tired in the evenings after working all day. My class is split with both grade 3 (eight students) and grade 4 (13 students). As I mentioned earlier, there are definitely some challenges (mostly because I'm a new teacher and am learning the ropes and trying to establish a routine), but all in all, they are a great bunch of kids.

Well, I'm just going to keep this somewhat short as I am feeling quite tired again tonight (and it's only 8:30 pm). I think I'll head to bed in the not too distant future.

So, since I've been absent from the blogging world for the last couple of months, let me know what you've been up to (in the comment section) and catch me up on the news!

God bless!

It Was Only Loose

Whew, it's been awhile since I last posted!

I've moved across the country and have been working at my new job for a couple of months now. A couple of days after moving into my apartment, my computer stopped working! I had to wait for a few days to get internet, and before that happened, I was getting a message on my computer that the hard drive wasn't being recognized. I thought maybe the hard drive (which I replaced back in January) had gone again and only today was I able to get it fixed.

It turns out, what was wrong was simply that whomever had put the hard drive in didn't have a screw in one of the spots and all that was needed was that screw! The hard drive was just loose (or something like that) and the computer guy at work just tightened it and now it works!

I'm so glad to have my computer back and working - and the internet connection working! I was really going crazy only being able to use the one at school (and limited to what I could do on it).

I'll try to update soon, but for now, I have a lot of work to do up and I should go do it. I promise to be back soon!

Eight Days and Counting...

So, I've had some big news for a few weeks now. Some of you know it, some don't. I was actually waiting for confirmation of some paperwork that is needed, but since there is only eight days, I will mention my news anyway.

I got a job!!

I am moving to the other side of Canada (west coast) because I will be teaching in a Christian school - what I've wanted to do since I originally went back to university back in 2002!

Although school only starts on September 6 (the same as it does here), I do have to be there for August 31 because there is new teacher orientation that day and the next. From what I'm told, there are five of us new teachers who will be there (me, two from Alberta, one from Ontario, and one from Southern BC). I wanted to go about a week early so that I can get settled and have a chance to get to know my way around. I also need to take care of things like getting my drivers license changed over, setting up a bank account, etc.

I am trusting God in the details, and even though I haven't had confirmation of the paperwork (a BC teaching license), I took a step of faith and bought my plane ticket and have contacted a rental place about an apartment I've seen online (yes, there were some pics of the interior and exterior). I am hoping and praying that I get the license without having to take some courses to upgrade to what they want (if it's not the same as here), or at least permission to teach if I do need to take some courses. Like I said though, I'm trusting God with all the details.

This all happened quite quickly. I applied for the job on a Friday afternoon. I had applied for a couple of other jobs in another province (at Christian schools), but hadn't heard anything from them so I thought I'd give it a shot (I had debated on applying for this job for a week before I actually applied). I thought I would never know if this is what God wants for me if I don't even try - it's not like the school would come looking for me...anyway, the following Monday I got a call to say the position I had applied for (grade 1-2 split class) had been filled, but they had a position for a grade 3-4 split class with the possibility of it becoming straight grade 4, and asked if I'd be interested in that. I said yes, and was then asked if they could call me back an hour later to interview me on the phone!

By Tuesday afternoon, I had the job and officially accepted it Wednesday!

So, in eight days I will begin a new chapter in my life. There is a lot to do between now and then, but I'm not worried. I'm trying to go through some things to decide whether or not to take them (mostly clothes) as I'll have to end up getting most everything else (household items) when I get there. We figure it would be cheaper in the long run to do that than to hire a moving van and take everything out to the opposite end of the country.

Well, that's my news! Praise God for answered prayer!

A Few Weeks Later...

Wow, I can't believe how much time has passed since my last post. I've been meaning to sit down and write something, but time got away from me, and there were also times when I just didn't feel like writing anything.

A couple of weeksends ago, I went to Halifax area and visited Peggy's Cove. There were some really awsome waves (must more powerful than I've seen on my first two visits last year), though I'm told they get even more powerful, especially during storms. I took some photos, but unfortunately, most of them didn't turn out (I only thought when I got home that I should have set the camera to underexpose)...I think because of the bright sun shining on the white foam of the waves.

I also went horseback riding for the first time (though I did go on a horse when I was 4 or 5...the kind where you sit on it and someone leads the horse around a circle a couple of times). I went with my BFF and her 11 year old daughter to Broadleaf Guest Ranch and took an hour long ride through the marshland. There were about 11 of us riders, and 2 leaders/guides. Along the way, we saw a fox (thankfully it didn't spook the horses!) and rode through a herd of cows who were lazing around.

At one point, we came to a little dip in the ground, not quite a stream but there was water in it from a recent rain. All the horses slowly stepped into it and out the other side (it really was quite small...maybe a foot wide), well, all the horses except for one - my BFF's daughter's horse! This was the second (maybe third) time on a horse, and when the horse jumped over, she did very well! In fact, she was quite excited that her horse did this (she ♥s horses). She'd said one of her friends from school had been on that same horse (she knew that because of the horse's name), but he hadn't jumped for her friend. I told her she'd have to be sure to tell her friend that Fly (the horse) jumped with her on it.

The ride is quite easy, actually. The horses know the route taken very well, and the leaders/guides are there as well. We mostly walked (it was an hour long ride) the horses, but twice they got the horses to trot. The first time, my horse (Shyloh) didn't trot so when they were going to do it again, I asked if there was anything I had to do to get him to trot. I was told to kick him hard with my heels (normally the horses just followed one another and did what the others did). So, I did that and he trotted. At first, I'll admit it, I giggled like a little girl. But then, it hurt and I stopped giggling.

I enjoyed it though, and wouldn't mind going horseback riding again.

Aside from that, I've been busy running around like a chicken with its head cut off, trying to accomplish stuff I need to get done in a short amount of time. I'll reveal more at a later date, but I would definitely appreciate your prayers. I'm trying to remind myself that God is in the details, and trying to give him this whole situation and not worry about it myself - because my worrying isn't going to do anything. It's out of my hands, and God is in control!

What is something new that you've done or tried lately?

More Awesomeness

Photo taken from here

On Saturday, I went with a few friends to Fredericton (the provincial capital) for the day. It's about two and a half hours from where I live.  We left shortly after lunch and made a stop to pick of the two year old nephew of the couple taking us.

Once we got into Fredericton, we stopped to pick up the brother and cousin of one memeber of the couple and then headed to the "beach". It's not a real beach along the ocean, but it's a man made beach (the sand is quite gravely instead of sandy) along a man made lake. It's quite nice actually.

The weather was weird - it couldn't make up its mind what to do. It was a little sunny with lots of clouds and then dark, heavy, grey/black clouds moved in and it rained a few times. There was a coolish breeze blowing, which would have made me quite cold if I'd gone in swimming like I originally planned. My BFF and I decided to not go swimming as we figured it just wasn't hot enough for us to go in. We said if it warmed up and the wind stopped blowing we would go and change. However, we ended up not going in afterall - which is fine.

K and I decided to go for a walk along the trail that surrounds the lake, instead of going swimming. The trail is in amongst the trees and was really nice. K brought her camera and took several photos along the way. I didn't bring mine as I thought it would be too bothersome to have to be running to and from the car (especially since it wasn't my car) to get it and put it away. Let's just say my camera isn't the little point and shoot kind.

I looked online and found that the trail is 4.4 km long. I'm not even sure how long it took us to walk it as I didn't look at my watch. We weren't walking fast, and as I said, we stopped lots so K could take pictures. It really was a nice trail and I enjoyed the walk.

When we got back from our walk, we packed up to leave and get something to eat. The couple who drove had some wedding invitations to drop off at various relatives homes so they dropped K and I off at the mall while they did that (and also drove home the brother and cousin who came with us to the lake).

The couple's nephew was fast asleep before we left Fredericton, but he woke up probably an hour into the drive and started crying. I think he was just confused as to where he was, and he also wasn't totally awake at that point either. We pulled off along the edge of the highway, and they got out to take care of the little guy. I had to get out as well because he was sitting in the seat behind me (a seven passenger minivan type of vehicle) and they had to have access to him. After trying for about five minutes to settle him down, I suggested they put his DVD player on and let him watch that. He did that on the way down and fell asleep, so I said that might work again. They got it set up and we were on our way again. It didn't take long before he fell back asleep, so the movie helped a lot.

Now, in the title of my post, I mention more awesomeness. What I am referring to is the point at when we were stopped while they were trying to get the little guy settled down again.

I was standing along the highway, close to the ditch to keep safe (though the lanes and shoulder of the road were wide and we had enough room). It was dark and I glanced into the grassy area of the ditch. It rose into a little hill that eventually would lead to some trees and fields. That's when I saw them - fireflies! I have not seen fireflies in ages! They are such a unique little bug. It reminded me again of God's awesome creativity. And, it reminded me of when I was a child and would see them and try to catch them (never was successful at that).

Also, while I was standing there, some clouds had moved in (prior to this the sky had been quite clear, and the moon was big and orange and just past being full. I watched as the clouds covered the moon and as the moon drew nearer to the edge of the cloud cover, I could see just how beautiful it was - the edges of the clouds were silvery-white, illuminated from the light of the moon, while the rest of the cover was dark. Also, there were several moonbeams shining out at various points, much like the sun beams do when they poke through the clouds. It was so beautiful.

I was (and am) still thankful for that opportunity, to witness that awesomeness, that I wouldn't have probably noticed (especially the fireflies) if a two year old boy hadn't woken up crying and caused us to stop the car.

I love how God has showed me beauty and creativeness in simple, ordinary, everyday things this weekend. It was a great reminder of just how great and awesome He is!

When was the last time you saw fireflies? Did you ever try to catch them as a child?

It Might Not Seem Like Much...

Northern Flicker

...but yesterday I felt thankful over something quite simple.

Around noon, when I was getting a little lunch, I noticed a bird sitting on the corner post of our patio. I've never seen a bird that looks like this, so I went and got my camera, hurring before it flew away (that's why the pics aren't the best - wrong setting as I just wanted to get the photos quickly, and also it was through the window).

I posted the few pics on my facebook page as one of the elderly ladies who goes to my church is interested in birding. She goes bird watching and whatnot, so I thought maybe she would know.

She informed me that this bird is a Northern Flicker and is not too common in this area. It's also generally found in wooded areas. We live not overly far from a walking park which is in a wooded area, so it could have flown up from there. I tried looking online, myself, to find out what it was call, but thankfully that lady from church knew!

As I said, this is the first time I've ever seen a Northern Flicker. Last night, while praying, I thanked God for allowing me to see this bird - not just once, but twice. It came back to our patio again at supper time.  Like I said, it might not seem like much to be thankful for or feel blessed about, but that is definitely how I felt yesterday/last night - and even today.


Northern Flicker - possibly a female


God is certainly creative with his creations! How many different types of bird are there? They're all birds, but they are different - some big, some small, the males are always the more colourful ones (females are duller in colour, I believe, to help when nesting and not attracting prey to the nest and babies), some have fancy "designs" in their feathers, some are just plain...but God created them all!

And, God deserves our praise and thanks for what He's created!

Le Pays De La Sagouine - In English

This past Sunday evening, I had the opportunity to go to a dinner theatre. Normally, it' a little expensive - more than I would pay - but a friend scored some free tickets and he asked me if I would like to go.

We drove about half an hour, or so, to the town of Bouctouche where the performance is held, and went to Le Pays De La Sagouine, a French one-woman play. However, this year they have added a few English performances, and that's what we went to...otherwise I wouldn't have understood it a bit. Their website is in French and English if you are interested in reading about it. You can also "Google it".

Going into it, I was unsure what to expect. Since it's Acadian themed, I figured it might be about the history and/or deportation of the Acadians from up this way (the Acadians made their way to Louisiana, and I believe the became the Cajuns...but I'm not totally sure on that last fact). It wasn't. The star of the show, La Sagouine (which I'm told loosely translates to the washerwoman) is played by a woman in her early 80s. She basically tells some stories from the life of the character. This woman is so awesome - her facial expressions at times were enough for laughter to erupt. And, of course, the stories she told were all humorous as well.

There was a little swearing in the show, and she took the Lord's name in vain a few times - and that I didn't like.  But overall, the show was good and I'm glad I went.

I've never been to a dinner theatre before so I didn't know if we would be eating while she performed or not. The menu was good - well, if you liked the kind of food they offered. We started off with a salad of mixed greens, some red onions, cucumbers and a strawberry (I think) vinaigrette dressing. There were 3 main courses to choose from - salmon with a lobster sauce (which I don't care for...the salmon or the lobster), rice and veggies; chicken with mushroom sauce (I despise mushrooms), mashed potatoes and veggies; or a mix of different Acadian foods - which I don't like either. I ordered the chicken and asked if it was possible to not have any sauce on it, and thankfully they were able to do so. We ate this before the performance started, then about half an hour into the performance, there was a 20 minute intermission and dessert was served - a yummy strawberry shortcake. I don't think I heard any complaints from anyone about the food - or the performance for that matter.

All in all, I'm glad I went. It was a new experience for me, and I don't think I'd mind going to another dinner theatre sometime - depending on what the show is about, of course.

An Ear To Hear

I've been thinking lately.

I've been thinking about how it doesn't seem like God is speaking to me, like He's not listening to me or my prayers, and how it certainly seems like my prayers aren't being answered.

I've been thinking about possible reasons why.

What I've come up with is that I don't seem to be spending quality time with Him. Sure, I'll pray and read my Bible, but am I taking the time to sit and actually listen? Am I taking the time to let God speak to me, or answer my questions? Am I meditating on what the Word says, or am I simply reading it in order to say I've read my Bible for today?

When I pray, my mind can't always seem to focus. Sure, I might start out focused, but pretty soon my mind is off following a bunny trail down to some other thought, thinking of some other want/desire, thinking about what happened at some other point in my life (or what I'd like to happen). Then, I find it very difficult to get back into focus.

I've thought back to when I was new to the faith, new in my walk, and how my prayer life seemed to go so well (regarding focus and praying well), how when I read my Bible I would search more into it with commentaries, how I could apply it more to my life or create little devotionals from passages or verses I'd read.

The only thing that I can think that has changed, is me. It's certainly not God who has changed. For a number of years now, I've had difficulty with my walk - difficulty in focusing, trusting, hoping - and I've realized that I have changed. I don't spend quality time with the Lord as I once did. I rush through my prayers (and Bible reading) and don't give Him a chance to speak - or I'll give a time limit, like requiring God to "speak" to me by the time I finish reading a chapter or by the time I finish praying (without allowing quiet time to listen to Him).

How can I expect to build a quality relationship with the Lord if I'm not investing in it, if I'm being to focused on me and my wants and not allowing Him to speak. How can I expect Him to be my best friend if I don't let Him into this relationship?

I've been thinking that I need to take more time and invest it wisely in the Lord. And, I need to start ASAP.

Who is your BFF, and what do you like to do with him/her?

Happy Canada Day

O Canada!
Our home and native land!
True patriot love in all thy sons command.

With glowing hearts we see thee rise,
The True North strong and free!

From far and wide,
O Canada, we stand on guard for thee.

God keep our land glorious and free!
O Canada, we stand on guard for thee.

O Canada, we stand on guard for thee.





I would like to wish all my fellow Canadians a Happy Canada Day! I'm proud to be Canadian!

God's Awesome Power

Jason, over at Mustard Seed Year has been keeping this blog since the beginning of 2011. Here's what he had to say about why he started Mustard Seed Year:

When I started to pray about 2011, I felt God tell me it was time to take that idea to a new level. That’s why this blog exists. Instead of just a word for the year, I’ve taken my hopes, dreams and passions and laid them all at God’s feet on January 1, 2011. I told Him then to take those dreams & take me to do whatever He wanted to do for His glory. 
I felt Him tell me to chronicle every day what happens over the course of this year. The highs, the lows, the joys, the pain, the triumph and the struggle. 
Be as transparent as I could be about what happens.

I've been following Jason's journey on his Mustard Seed Year, and while I haven't read every post he's made, I've certainly read many. Through his ups and downs, Jason has chronicled everything - the good, the bad, the ugly. He's been honest and direct in his posts. And he has certainly been an encouragement to not only me, but I feel rather certain he has also been an encouragement to so many others.

In a recent post, Jason talks about how he sensed God telling him to have his friends pray until Friday (not sure if that is this coming Friday or not). He even asked his online friends to pray as well. What is being prayed about? That God show Himself and/or His power in their lives - and then share about it.

I came into that a little late, however, Jason encouraged me to start praying anyway. And so, beginning Monday (I think), I started praying and asking God to reveal His power in my life.

As of now, I don't think I've seen anything. However, the thought occurred to me (and I shared with Jason) that maybe I'm not praying "right". Maybe, I am just asking God to reveal Himself and/or show His power in my life in the way that I want Him to, instead of the way He wants to. Or, maybe He has revealed Himself/His power and I've just failed to notice it.

At any rate, I am still on the lookout, still praying. I know that our God is an Awesome God, and His power is equally powerful. But in all honesty, I don't know if He is showing/revealing His power in my life. I'm not giving up, though. I'm still going to pray!

If you haven't visited Jason over at his Mustard Year Blog, I encourage you to do so. Why not stop there AFTER leaving me a comment ;o).

How has God revealed Himself to you today?

I Still Haven't Found...

Tinker Belle

This is my cat. Her name is Tinker Belle. I've had her since she was 2 months old; she's now almost 13 1/2.

Tinker Belle's days are pretty easy. She starts her day off by eating some breakfast - if her dish hasn't been emptied over night - followed by a little nap until someone wakes up. Then when someone gets up, she meows a little welcome song (sometimes with lots of words), and comes running. Usually she follows us into the bathroom to get a drink - from a drip from the bathtub faucet. From there, she might get a treat or a bit more food if the dish is empty. This is all usually followed up by another nap.

Morning routing for Tinker Belle is pretty much the same - sleep, eat, drink some water, maybe get a treat, sleep...there's actually lots of sleep.

And then, there are scratches around the ears, on her head, her back. And she likes to play with little fuzzy mice and the laser pointer at night. And lots of purring. All in all, she is a contented little kitty. She doesn't ask for much, and she's satisfied with what she has.

The Bible talks about being content:

Not that I speak from want, for I have learned to be content in whatever circumstances I am. (Philippians 4:11)


My cat is pretty content. Now, me on the other hand - not so much. I still haven't found contentment, or learned to be content in whatever circumstances in which I happen to be. Mind you, there are times when I am rather quite content - but there are lots where I'm not. I guess there are times I'm almost afraid to be content because that might mean the situation I'm in might not change. So, I'm definitely "not there" yet with regards to being content.

Do you find it easy to be content in your circumstances?

Father's Day

Happy Father's Day to all the fathers out there! I hope you had a wonderful time with your families.

My father died nearly three years ago. I haven't attended a Father's Day service at church since he died - it's just too sad. I'm sure I'll attend a Father's Day service again in the future, but for now it's too difficult.

This afternoon, I went to the cemetery and visited my dad's grave. I had bought a white rose to lay on the headstone (at this cemetery all the headstones are laid into the ground), but there is no little "vase" thing to pull out and put flowers into. My grandparents have one on their headstone, but Dad and Mom didn't bother getting one on theirs. Anyway, it was quite windy out as we were having a bit of a thunderstorm off and on all day. I figured if I left the rose it would just blow away. If I'd have had some tape, I could have taped it on, but since I didn't have any, that was out of the question. So, I decided to bring it home instead.

I miss my dad, and I'm not ashamed to say that while I was at the cemetery, I cried - and continued to do so on the way home as well. I didn't expect to cry, really. Yes, I had expected to feel sad, but I didn't think the tears would come.

I started writing a poem today, for my dad, but I haven't finished it. When I do, I will post it. I was hoping to have had it finished to include in my Father's Day post, but it will have to wait for another day.

So, what did you do for Father's Day today?

Needed Prayers

Last Sunday was the final day that our senior pastor was officially our senior pastor. He and his family will, after the summer I believe, head to Hawaii where he will be their senior pastor. He was actually born into the church he'll be leading, and his father had also been, at one time, the senior pastor at that church.  In the meantime, we have someone who is filling in until we can find someone to replace Pastor J, and we still have the pastor of family ministries and a new minister of music to help.

I'm not sure if the search committee has started looking for a new senior pastor or not, but at any rate, they and our church could definitely use some prayer!

In other news, I can also use prayer. Yesterday was our church family picnic, and I got a little too much sun. Not fun...the sunburn that is. The picnic was really great.

Also, I have an interview on the 22nd for the school district. From my understanding of people who've had interviews in the past, it is to put names on the long-term supply list. It's rare that a full-time job would result from these interviews, because they would choose those people from the long-term supply list. Basically, I think this interview is the first step to becoming a full-time teacher. And that's if I get on the long-term supply list. I've been told my a teacher that his school has recommended a couple of others in the past (several times, actually), and these supplies have had a number of interviews but have never been put on the list.

I also need to do up a 15 minute presentation for this interview - 10 minutes dealing with how balanced literacy will look in my classroom, and the last 5 minutes dealing with numeracy. After that, there is a 10 minute session where they will ask me questions. I'm really nervous about this, so would also like prayer for this.

Well, just wanted to give a little update on how things are going. Hope you are having a Christ-filled day!

Jesus Juked By the Man Himself

Last night I was having a quiet moment before bed. Usually this is just me listening to music (mostly Christian, but occasionally secular). It was no different last night.

I sat in my rocking chair, my ipod plugged into my ears, and I listened. While the music played, and the singers sang, I listened to the words to some of the songs and thought they were so poetic, so brilliant. I even admit that I wished I had written them; but, I didn't so there's nothing I can do about that except write my own words (i.e. poems, stories...I'm not a song writer).

After a few moments, I thought it would be a good time to pray. The house was quiet, and I was the only one awake. I changed my listening habits from being those of simply enjoying the music, to using it to praise and worship God (silently through the headphones of my ipod, and the praise/worship coming from my heart rather than my mouth).

Then, I prayed.

I started by confessing sins to God and asked for forgiveness of them. I won't go into all the details, but I will say that I told God that I know He has a plan for my life and I know it is probably not the way I think it will be or expect. I told Him how I used to cling to Jeremiah 29:11-13 (written below)when I was in university and how I'm still trying to cling to that promise (even though at one point I had someone tell me that the promise in those verses was for the Israelites, and not us...yeah.).

11 'For I know the plans that I have for you,' declares the LORD, 'plans for welfare and not for calamity to give you a future and a hope. 12 Then you will call upon Me and come and pray to Me, and I will listen to you. 13 You will seek Me and find Me when you search for Me with all your heart. (NASB)

Now, to be honest, I have verse 11 memorized, and verse 13. I stumble over trying to quote the middle verse. So, while talking to God, I mostly focused on the verse 11, briefly mentioned that I am calling upon Him, but I just don't feel like He is listening to me.

That's when it struck me. And I'm sure it was God's nudge.

You will seek Me and find Me when you search for Me with all your heart. I have been searching, seeking, talking, asking, etc. but, I haven't been doing this with all my heart. Ouch.

Is it fair to say that I have been Jesus juked by the Man Himself?

I think, the Holy Spirit was trying to tell me that the reason I haven't been hearing Him for awhile now, or feeling as though He had abandoned me (which I know He didn't do), was because when I have been seeking Him, when I have been calling on Him, when I have been searching for Him, I wasn't doing it with all my heart. I was letting thoughts, feelings, things of the world get in the way!

So, now as I seek the Lord with regard to my walk - which path to take, and seek His will for my life (present and future), I know the enemy is going to bombard me and try to get my focus put back on things that will block me from hearing the Lord, from finding Him and know what it is He wants me to do. Please remember me in your prayers that the Lord will protect me and not let the enemy get to me. Pray that now that I am aware that I need to come to Him with all of my heart, that I will do just that - and not let things or thoughts or feelings get in the way and hinder me. And, pray that the Lord will reveal to me the path I need to take.

The Sun Is Peeking Through - Somewhat

My last post was written when I'd been having a few "bad" days. Today, and the previous two as well, things have felt much better, more positive.

I don't have everything all worked out. Life did not suddenly get perfect. But, I am slowly starting to see the sun shine again.

I talked with my BFF, and she actually helped me get over this hurdle - or speed bump - somewhat. We are both so much alike, it's scary. She's also encouraging, and that might be because very soon she's going to be in the same boat as I am in some areas, so she can understand what I'm going through.

I had a great day visiting with her on Wednesday, and even though life's problems didn't all get solved, we had a good discussion and came up with some possibilities.

And now, I need to take the next step - which is scary.

On a side note, my BFF's daughter (she's 11) made a good point while I was visiting. At some point I mentioned how I want a real job, and she said, "Well, technically being a supply teacher is a real job. And, it's a hard job, probably harder than a regular teacher, but it's a real job." I had to laugh. She's right, though. I told her what I meant by "real job" was a full time one, teaching every day in my own classroom. She knew what I meant, but just wanted to be technical I guess, lol. She's just like her mom!

Want Some Cheese With That Whine?

The darkness hangs thicker than the night, clinging to whatever it can latch onto. No pinpoints of starry light can be seen; no illumination of any sort is visible to help light the path.

Sometimes, in the rarest of moments, the darkness seems as though it is changing to grey - growing lighter, thinner and creating a twinkle of hope. Just as quickly, the black returns and envelops everything again.

In the chill of despondency, the fog rises and lines the darkness as a slip lines the underside of a dress. Fear rises, adding to the uncertainty. The ground becomes rocky and uneven, and steps become unsteady.

Dare I move forward? Dare I take a step? The edge of the cliff seems so close, but I don't know where it is. I don't want to move and end up falling.

The paths become jumbled, giving no real direction, with no destination in sight.

Where are you? Why did you leave my side? You stopped whispering; stopped guiding. I don't know where to turn, what way to go. I feel lost. I feel damaged. I feel alone.

I followed you from the beginning of this so-called adventure. I trusted. But somewhere, sometime, I sensed your abandonment - or are you simply hiding and watching from a distance?

I'm lost and I'm afraid to move, afraid I will plunge over the edge - afraid you won't catch me if I do.

******

For the longest while now, I've felt like God has abandoned me. I know He hasn't because His word tells me that He will never leave me, nor forsake me. I try to find comfort in His word, but in all honesty, it doesn't seem to be helping.

I'm trying to cling to Jesus, to put my hope in Him and remember that, ultimately, God is the one in control. He does have a plan for me - even if He doesn't reveal it. I know all that, but still...I see everyone around me being blessed, having prayers answered, etc. - even those who don't follow the Lord, those who aren't His children.

And it hurts. Big time. It feels like He cares about everyone except me (and yes, I am quite aware that He does care about me).

What I wrote above, at the beginning of this post, is how I've been feeling for a long time now. I put on a brave front, because I don't think people would really understand the extent or depth of how I'm really feeling. I hate when I do talk about things like this, and I get the ever popular "Christian platitudes" - they do not help in the least. I get sick of people telling me that I'm a good person, that I'm sweet and kind, and that God has a plan for me and I shouldn't give up hope, that God will reveal Himself in His timing, etc. I KNOW all of that. I've heard it many times (and have probably been guilty of saying some of them at times myself). It doesn't help, quite frankly, it feels like they are belittling my feelings, etc. - like I don't really matter and they are just saying those things because that is what a good little Christian should say.

I haven't given up my beliefs, my hopes, etc. I'm not turning away from the Lord, or denying Him or anything like that. I'm in a valley, and I feel like everything I've done, everything I've worked for has been for nothing - that I'm a complete and utter failure at everything I've done or tried to do. I've been praying and asking for wisdom for what to do in my situation, wisdom to know the direction God wants me to take, etc. And I just don't hear Him answering me.

Ok, enough ranting and whining now. I've probably driven off any readers I may have had.

What do you do when you are in the valley and all seems cloaked under clouds and fog and darkness, and you can't see to find your way out?

You Don't Need To Be Perfect

I remember when we (my dad, brothers, and I...my mom and grandmother didn't go) started attending church after moving to the city were I now live.  I was 10 1/2 (and yes, the 1/2 was very important at the time), and in grade 6. I was still quite shy, so I didn't talk to many people at the time.

One of the little old ladies - or at least she seemed that way to me at 10 1/2 - came over to me, bent down so she was at my level, smiled sweetly at me and asked "Have you accepted Jesus into your heart?"

Gulp! I'd better tell her 'yes' or I won't be allowed to come back here. I like it here, and I don't want them to kick me out of church because I haven't asked Jesus into my heart! I thought. My answer came quickly, and I told her, yes.

I lied. In church. Guilt immediately overwhelmed me and I quickly prayed a silent prayer: "Jesus please come into my heart!" I only said it so that I wouldn't feel guilty, and that it might somehow erase this whole situation as being a lie. And, I don't think I really meant it. Major fail on my part!

When I began attending my current church (I stopped going to the other one at 12 years old, and didn't go back to church until I was almost 31), I was afraid to go. I was afraid to sit down in the pew, to talk to others, to tell them about myself. I was afraid that if they knew what I was like, what I had done, etc., they would kick me out and not let me attend (even though I really wanted to be there). I would look around the sanctuary at the people sitting in the pews and think they were near perfect, that there was no way they sinned, no way they are as bad of a person as I was. And I once again thought that I would get asked to leave because I wasn't perfect like they were.

Really though, where do we get those thoughts from? I'm certain it's the enemy trying to keep us away from God! The thought that you have to be perfect to attend church is a lie from the devil.

Now that I'm older (and hopefully a little wiser) I know that I wouldn't have gotten kicked out of church. They wouldn't have stopped me from attending.  In all honesty, it's where I belong. The church is full of sinners, full of people who have said and done horrible things - some even more horrible than anything I have done in my life. Church is were I belong, and it's where you belong...no matter what you've said or done in your life.

If you are reading this and have shied away from going to church because you think you aren't good enough, or you've done some pretty horrible things in your past, please don't stay away. Everyone has been through some sort of circumstance that makes them less than "perfect". In fact, no one is perfect - even people who go to church!

Remember, Jesus is the only one who is perfect, and it is through Him that we find forgiveness of our sins and eternal life.

Remember, you don't have to be perfect to go to church. You don't even have to have accepted Jesus into your heart in order to attend, so please don't let those thoughts pervent you from attending. Give it a try; go to church - you will be (or should be) accepted with open and loving arms.

Three Times in 24 Hours

Have you ever had a day or couple of days when you hear something specific several times - like certain song lyrics or a Bible verse, something that you feel might hold meaning for you? I had one of those days on Saturday.

Friday night, after I created my previous post I had to (yes, had to) go to itunes to buy and download "Days of Elijah". While there, I downloaded five or six other songs as well. I listened to them all later that night.  One of these songs was "Everlasting God" by Lincoln Brewster. I love this song, and so I listened to it a few times before I went to bed. Keep in mind I listened to several other songs after listening to "Everlasting God," so it wasn't on my mind at all when I went to sleep.

The next morning, I got up with only the chorus of that song in my head as I went through my morning routine and went to spend some time with God. During this time, after I read my Bible, I read the reading of the day from Our Daily Bread. At the end of the reading, a quote from Isaiah 40:31 is given:

Those who wait on the LORD shall renew their strength;
they shall mount up with wings like eagles,
they shall run and not be weary,
they shall walk and not faint.

Later that evening as I was checking out my facebook, I scrolled through my news feed. Somone on my friends list had posted this very quote on his wall (though to be honest, he did have an error and put "...with wings like angels" instead of eagles)! There was the verse/lyrics again!

Three times in the course of 24 hours. Is that enough to call it a "God thing"? I don't believe in coincidences.


I have no idea if God was trying to tell me something or not. But, I do find it curious/interesting. This sort of thing doesn't happen to me very often, so I did take note of it, but have no idea if it means anything. I've been mulling it over since then, but haven't come to any conclusions. Maybe I should pray about it...

Have you ever had an experience where a particular Bible verse popped up for you several times in a short period of time - in a way that felt like God was trying to tell you something or reassure you?

Singing For Jesus

I was in university when I first heard the song, “Days of Elijah” during worship chapel. I loved it, and it quickly became one of my favourites. Soon, one of the worship teams at church began to play the song as well – though they didn’t seem to play it quite as fast as they did at school.

Not long after I declared “Days of Elijah” to be my song, I had a dream. It was dark in my dream, and I was with several people inside a church basement. We seemed to be a choir, and we were practicing singing “Days of Elijah” because we were expecting a guest of honor – Jesus!

I was so excited that I was going to get to sing this song for Jesus! I could hardly contain myself. I don’t remember how many others were waiting with me, but it wasn’t very many – maybe six or eight of us.

We began our wait. And we waited and waited. I wondered when Jesus was going to come and hear us sing for Him. At one point, I walked over to the window to look outside and see if I could see Him. I looked up into the black sky, pinpointed with stars. I was looking for the clouds that He would arrive on. Nothing.

I craned my neck, still looking at the sky. It was then that I noticed it. Flying past, quickly, was a UFO – one like the Great Gazoo used in the Flintstones cartoon. I don’t remember if I could see anything inside, or just the UFO. However, the thought that ran through my mind, in the dream, was: “Where on earth did that come from? Doesn’t he know he doesn’t exist?” I gave my head a shake, and went to join the others.

By this point, I was starting to feel disappointed and let down because Jesus hadn’t arrived yet. I was worried that I wouldn’t be able to sing my song for Him, and I really wanted to – I wanted Him to hear me sing “Days of Elijah” just for Him!

I woke up with that sad, disappointed feeling that Jesus didn’t show up, and I wasn’t going to be able to sing for Him. I really felt these emotions (in real life). I mean, I’m not a good singer, at all, but I wanted so badly to stand in front of Jesus and sing for Him – and I knew He would like it. I knew that even though I can’t sing, He would still be honored that I was singing FOR Him.

What came to mind after that dream was that maybe Jesus didn’t show up (in my dream) because we were expecting Him - we seemed to "know" that He was supposed to return that night. In reality, we don’t know when Jesus is coming again. No one does (and I don't care who you are, you do NOT know when Jesus will return. Only the Father knows). But, we do need to be prepared anyway, because He could come back at any time – today, tomorrow, later this month or year, or 100 years from now. The point is, we need to be like a boy/girl scout and "be prepared" for when Jesus does return.

How do we become prepared? We need to accept Jesus as our Lord and Savior and invite Him into our heart. We need to ask for forgiveness for our sins. If you haven't done this yet and you would like to know more, or talk about this, please feel free to contact me or leave a comment on this post. I would be more than happy to help you.

Have you had any dreams with Jesus in them? I'd love to hear about them!

Rocking Chairs, Baby Dolls, and Mother's Day

When I was little, I used to have this one particular doll. Her body was sort of a cylinder shape with soft arms and soft legs sticking out. Her neck and the middle of her body had sand or something similar in it so that she would gradually fall over if she was sitting up. The eyes in her soft plastic head closed. When she would "fall" over, her eyes would close and she would "go to sleep". She wasn't a particular favourite, but I liked the fact that she could close her eyes, and she was small - like a little baby.

Also, ever since I was little I have loved rocking chairs. My mom used to rock me (and my brothers) to sleep. Even to this day, I will choose to sit in a rocking chair if there is one available. I find them to be very relaxing. I heart rocking chairs.

One of the"rituals" I had when I was little, was to get ready for bed at least an hour before I would actually go to bed, sit in my rocking chair (to help me relax and get sleepy), put my little blanket over my lap, and cradle my doll as if she were my baby. Since her eyes closed, it seemed more like I was rocking her to sleep. It was like she was my baby, and I was her mother.

Today is Mother's Day. I have always found this to be difficult - well, for at least twenty years anyway. I'm more than happy, on this day, to celebrate all that my mom is, because she is AWESOME...but, it's bittersweet for me.

I have no kids (other than a 4 legged furry baby). I'm 42 years old and I'm not married, and I have no kids. Ever since I can remember, I have wanted to be a wife and mother. It's been a huge desire, probably all my life. And it hasn't happened. Will it? I have no idea. And, it hurts when people try to tell me that it will happen one day - in all honesty, unless they are God, they don't.

Usually this doesn't bother me a lot.  I try to deal with it, and not let it affect me, but there are other times when it hurts to the very core of my being - like Mother's Day. Like I said, it's not something that bothers me all the time; usually there is something that triggers the pain - someone getting engaged or married, especially if these are people I've watched grow up and are years younger than me; or someone having a baby (doesn't matter if it's a first or sixth baby). And that can be difficult to deal with - and accept.

So, as I hold back my pain and hurt (because, really, it's not about me), and try to turn it over to God, I would like to wish all the awesome mother's out there a very blessed and happy Mother's Day!