I sat in my rocking chair, my ipod plugged into my ears, and I listened. While the music played, and the singers sang, I listened to the words to some of the songs and thought they were so poetic, so brilliant. I even admit that I wished I had written them; but, I didn't so there's nothing I can do about that except write my own words (i.e. poems, stories...I'm not a song writer).
After a few moments, I thought it would be a good time to pray. The house was quiet, and I was the only one awake. I changed my listening habits from being those of simply enjoying the music, to using it to praise and worship God (silently through the headphones of my ipod, and the praise/worship coming from my heart rather than my mouth).
Then, I prayed.
I started by confessing sins to God and asked for forgiveness of them. I won't go into all the details, but I will say that I told God that I know He has a plan for my life and I know it is probably not the way I think it will be or expect. I told Him how I used to cling to Jeremiah 29:11-13 (written below)when I was in university and how I'm still trying to cling to that promise (even though at one point I had someone tell me that the promise in those verses was for the Israelites, and not us...yeah.).
11 'For I know the plans that I have for you,' declares the LORD, 'plans for welfare and not for calamity to give you a future and a hope. 12 Then you will call upon Me and come and pray to Me, and I will listen to you. 13 You will seek Me and find Me when you search for Me with all your heart. (NASB)Now, to be honest, I have verse 11 memorized, and verse 13. I stumble over trying to quote the middle verse. So, while talking to God, I mostly focused on the verse 11, briefly mentioned that I am calling upon Him, but I just don't feel like He is listening to me.
That's when it struck me. And I'm sure it was God's nudge.
You will seek Me and find Me when you search for Me with all your heart. I have been searching, seeking, talking, asking, etc. but, I haven't been doing this with all my heart. Ouch.
Is it fair to say that I have been Jesus juked by the Man Himself?
I think, the Holy Spirit was trying to tell me that the reason I haven't been hearing Him for awhile now, or feeling as though He had abandoned me (which I know He didn't do), was because when I have been seeking Him, when I have been calling on Him, when I have been searching for Him, I wasn't doing it with all my heart. I was letting thoughts, feelings, things of the world get in the way!
So, now as I seek the Lord with regard to my walk - which path to take, and seek His will for my life (present and future), I know the enemy is going to bombard me and try to get my focus put back on things that will block me from hearing the Lord, from finding Him and know what it is He wants me to do. Please remember me in your prayers that the Lord will protect me and not let the enemy get to me. Pray that now that I am aware that I need to come to Him with all of my heart, that I will do just that - and not let things or thoughts or feelings get in the way and hinder me. And, pray that the Lord will reveal to me the path I need to take.