Monday, May 30, 2011

Want Some Cheese With That Whine?

The darkness hangs thicker than the night, clinging to whatever it can latch onto. No pinpoints of starry light can be seen; no illumination of any sort is visible to help light the path.

Sometimes, in the rarest of moments, the darkness seems as though it is changing to grey - growing lighter, thinner and creating a twinkle of hope. Just as quickly, the black returns and envelops everything again.

In the chill of despondency, the fog rises and lines the darkness as a slip lines the underside of a dress. Fear rises, adding to the uncertainty. The ground becomes rocky and uneven, and steps become unsteady.

Dare I move forward? Dare I take a step? The edge of the cliff seems so close, but I don't know where it is. I don't want to move and end up falling.

The paths become jumbled, giving no real direction, with no destination in sight.

Where are you? Why did you leave my side? You stopped whispering; stopped guiding. I don't know where to turn, what way to go. I feel lost. I feel damaged. I feel alone.

I followed you from the beginning of this so-called adventure. I trusted. But somewhere, sometime, I sensed your abandonment - or are you simply hiding and watching from a distance?

I'm lost and I'm afraid to move, afraid I will plunge over the edge - afraid you won't catch me if I do.

******

For the longest while now, I've felt like God has abandoned me. I know He hasn't because His word tells me that He will never leave me, nor forsake me. I try to find comfort in His word, but in all honesty, it doesn't seem to be helping.

I'm trying to cling to Jesus, to put my hope in Him and remember that, ultimately, God is the one in control. He does have a plan for me - even if He doesn't reveal it. I know all that, but still...I see everyone around me being blessed, having prayers answered, etc. - even those who don't follow the Lord, those who aren't His children.

And it hurts. Big time. It feels like He cares about everyone except me (and yes, I am quite aware that He does care about me).

What I wrote above, at the beginning of this post, is how I've been feeling for a long time now. I put on a brave front, because I don't think people would really understand the extent or depth of how I'm really feeling. I hate when I do talk about things like this, and I get the ever popular "Christian platitudes" - they do not help in the least. I get sick of people telling me that I'm a good person, that I'm sweet and kind, and that God has a plan for me and I shouldn't give up hope, that God will reveal Himself in His timing, etc. I KNOW all of that. I've heard it many times (and have probably been guilty of saying some of them at times myself). It doesn't help, quite frankly, it feels like they are belittling my feelings, etc. - like I don't really matter and they are just saying those things because that is what a good little Christian should say.

I haven't given up my beliefs, my hopes, etc. I'm not turning away from the Lord, or denying Him or anything like that. I'm in a valley, and I feel like everything I've done, everything I've worked for has been for nothing - that I'm a complete and utter failure at everything I've done or tried to do. I've been praying and asking for wisdom for what to do in my situation, wisdom to know the direction God wants me to take, etc. And I just don't hear Him answering me.

Ok, enough ranting and whining now. I've probably driven off any readers I may have had.

What do you do when you are in the valley and all seems cloaked under clouds and fog and darkness, and you can't see to find your way out?