So I've been doing a lot of thinking lately - sometimes too much, and there has also been a fierce spiritual battle going on as well. The last several weeks have definitely not been fun!
I don't want to go into all the details, as I'm not comfortable in sharing all of this in Cyberland. I will say that what I've been going through has left me feeling mentally, emotionally, and spiritually drained. It also doesn't help that last week I didn't sleep well at all, and coupled with working all last week and two or three days the previous week, I've felt physically tired as well. The whole situation is long and complicated, and as I said, I am not comfortable talking about it in depth.
I've been angry at God lately, too, and having a grand ol' pity party I guess. Part of my spiritual battle (or perhaps the entire thing) has resulted in the angry feelings and blaming God on the lack of results from years of prayer over a couple of areas in my life. It definitely hasn't been a joyride, let me tell you!
Last night, I went to small group and we ended up discussing Joshua 24:14. We talked about what gods were, and Pastor J (who is in our small group) said that gods are something you fear (it holds power over you) and serve (gods demand your servitude). He continued to say that if you try to remove the god from your life (whatever the god may be), it will cause a great deal of distress when you remove it. For example, if your god is the computer/internet, and you try to stay off the computer and you struggle to do so, then that is a god to you. There is a constant struggle between us as humans and the gods we have in our lives.
As I was sitting in small group and listening to what Pastor J was saying (and others who were asking questions, etc.), I felt the Lord telling me that the issues I mentioned above have become gods to me. There is a great deal of fear for me with regard to the issues I mentioned previously (I am not in any kind of danger or anything like that). I felt the Lord telling me I need to let go of these issues and trust Him. I need to not worry about what the future holds - God is in control.
So, now I need to get rid of the gods that have been holding their power over me. It's going to be hard, but I know that the Lord will be with me through this difficult journey.