What To Do...What To Do

Well, I finally heard back from the school with regard to the education program. I did not get in. I've already done some posts with regard to that, so I'll try to keep things brief.

So, I might not be able to stay at the job I have this summer because (as I've mentioned) they have hired five new people since Christmas and now me for the summer. We have been getting out early every day since I started, yesterday being the latest time to date - 4:10. Normally we get out at 4:30. Sure, once vacations start things will be back to normal. I'm not worried about that. What I'm worried about is that come September I won't be able to work because everyone will be back from vacation again. There is one girl going out on maternity leave in July, but there is one who is out now (not maternity leave, not sure why she's out) and she is coming back in September. So, that's a worry for me...

Also, there aren't many jobs you can get with a BA in Biblical Studies...I don't want to be a preacher/pastor/minister because of what it says in Timothy about women not being allowed to have authority over men...but what else can I do with this sort of degree? Most people who get this degree go on to seminary.

I also have this big debt (student loans) now that I have to start paying back in November, and a minimum wage job won't cut it. I also don't want to do data entry because I got carpal tunnel from it. It's ok to do short term for the summer, but not long term.

You know, it's really scary when your future is at stake...what do you do, where do you go. I quit my job of 12 years, stepping out in faith to go back to school so that I could get into the B. Ed. program. That has not happened. So now I have thoughts of "is it because I did it on my own, and it wasn't really God directing me to do this" or "is it because there were times I doubted" or even "why would God bring me this far only to have the door slammed in my face?" Sure, He is in control and He has everything all mapped out and there is probably a reason why this hasn't happened, or maybe it's not the right time. Who knows. I can apply again next year, but honestly at this moment...I don't know if I should. I don't know if I want to take that chance. Of course a lot of this is just the disappointment of rejection talking.

Yeah, I clung to Jeremiah 29:11-13 claiming them as "my" verses for my school career. God has a plan and it doesn't involve harm. It involves plans to prosper me and give me a future...so what is it? Yeah, I know. Only He knows. I need to just trust Him and have faith right? Well, in all honesty that is not a comfort to me at this moment. It's not helping me at all.

I feel hurt, rejected, let down - all those sorts of feelings. That's my human nature taking over. It's me wanting to know the outcomes, wanting to know what I need to do or should be doing. It's me wanting to be in control. Yeah, I know...Proverbs 3:5-6...kinda hard to do that at this moment ya know?

Maybe it's God trying to humble my pride. Maybe it's God saying I need a little break, maybe it's God saying I messed up. I don't know. Maybe I just messed up at the interview. Actually, I think that is where things went wrong, whatever they were. I mean, if my references and marks weren't good enough I wouldn't have gotten an interview in the first place. I also think that the fact that my experience with children is in a church or Christian setting and not in secular society.

So, since this post has stretched on far longer than I had intended, I'm just going to wrap this up and let the news sink in and try to figure out where to go from here.

Have a Christ filled day