Bits & Pieces

Well, this post will have bits and pieces about different things - no specific topic. This is mainly because my mind is a little jumbled up lately.

First off, I got my marks back today from first semester. I as a little disappointed with my TESL mark - it as B+, which is fine, but I thought I had done a tad bit better. My effective writing course got the highest mark: A. The big surprise for me came when I looked at the mark for the dreaded Children's Lit course. I honestly didn't put a lot of effort into that class because I didn't care for it (like I've mentioned on here a few times). I asn't at all prepared for the exam, and didn't think I had done well on my journals or my paper. Apparently I must have done well on them all (though I honestly think the prof might be an easy marker), because I received an A-!

I have been feeling rather...discontent and restless lately. I know I need to put my focus back on God and get back on track with praying and reading my Bible, so this is probably at the root of what I've been going through for the last little while.

However, I really feel like I am going through a mid-life crisis. Yeah, I know, a mid-life crisis is usually attributed to men in their mid 40's who go out and buy flashy bright red convertable sports cars and leave their wives for blonde bimbos half their age (no offence to blondes or anyone for that matter). I did a bit of research online because I wanted to know if it is possible for women to go through a mid-life crisis. Apparently this is getting to be more and more common in women due to the fact that they are in the work force (and have been for some time) . I guess it wasn't common when women were staying home to be housewives and moms. Anyway, another article said that with men a mid-life crisis usually involves work and in providing for their families (they feel they haven't done well enough or should have done better, or something like that). For women, the crisis tends to revolve more around family - husbands, children, homelife, that sort of thing. Another article also said that a woman who has a mid-life crisis tends to have it, typically, in her mid to late 40's, but that is can also appear as young as 38-42. On my next birthday, which happens to be in January, I will be 38.

Anyway, I can't even really put into words all that I have been feeling and the thoughts I have been having. I just feel like I haven't accomplished anything in my life - that I have wasted my life. I don't feel like I have anything to show for the nearly 38 years I have been alive. I have no husband, no kids, no home of my own (had to move back in with my parents when I went back to school), and a big ol' student loan debt. Sure, other students have loans to pay back too, but the difference is they usually start paying it back in their 20's. I'm nearly 40. I know it probably seems like I am blowing things out of proportion, and that these things aren't a big deal, but to me it is a huge deal. I just feel like I don't know what I'm doing anymore; I don't know what direction I'm heading in. Basically, I feel lost.

I do have days where I am fine and none of this bothers me, but on the days that it does bother me, I feel really...worthless...that's about the only word I can think that describes how I feel. I felt so bad the other night that I cried myself to sleep. I talked to God, told Him how I feel and why...told Him I didn't even know what to say to Him or that I didn't feel I could even face Him.

Anyway, I am not really looking forward to my next birthday. I don't even think that I want to celebrate it or acknowledge that day as my birthday. I'm trying to get over all of this, trying to tell myself none of this really matters (the things I'm feeling and thinking that is)...that sort of thing. If I keep telling myself this, and I figure if I say it often enough I'm bound to believe it sooner or later...

But, I'll end for now because this has become a rather depressing entry.