I started doing a Bible study on my own last week. I need to be fed. Basically all I am getting right now are the weekly sermons. They are great, but I need more.
I have been feeling stagnant in my walk lately, and that is not a good thing, so I went to one of the local Christian book stores last week and picked up a few Bible studies that sounded interesting to me. The one I am working at now is called "Living With Passion & Purpose" by Elizabeth George, and it's on the book of Luke. I have only done six chapters so far (I'm trying to do one every day, though haven't for the last two days), and while I am finding it helpful, I still feel like I need something a little more indepth - you know, something that makes you feel challenged, something that makes you look at yourself in a deeper way. I really don't know what kind of studies there are out there that would do this, but I'm keeping my eyes opened.
This study has helped me be more conscious in one area that I struggle with. You see, age is a real issue for me. I don't know why that is so - although I have a little inkling as to why it could be. You see, I am thirty-seven years old and I am not married and have no children. Some would not see this as being a problem, and would tell me "Well, there is nothing wrong with being single, just think of all the work you can do for the Lord!" Fair enough. Yet, there are others who wonder why, at my age, I am not married nor have any children. While I hate both of these responses, the latter one bugs me the most.
I have to wonder if the stem of my problem with age, is the fact that I am still single with no kids. I wonder if I were married and had kids (or even just married), would my age still be a problem? It's not that I feel I am too old to do things for the Lord, though to be honest there are times when I think I am too old to do something. You see, I look back over my life at what I have or have not accomplished. Not too much. I feel as though I have wasted a big part of my life - though to be honest, the majority of the past was lived in a non-Christian manner.
Now, I know that I can't dwell on the past and that Jesus has forgiven me of the sins I've done then. I know I need to focus on the present and do what I can for the Lord, with His help and provision.
I guess I feel like time is running out - to get married to the right one, to have children. My clock is ticking BIG TIME, and this is a real issue for me. I've taken it to the Lord, cried out to Him - you name it. I will admit that there have been times when I have cried myself to sleep over this, have been almost obsessed with this matter. Not good, I know.
I was talking with a friend the other day, and she said something that made a lot of sense and it kind of hit home. What she said was that she is learning (or has learned) to wait for God's timing in bringing her a husband if He chooses. I can't explain it as well as she did (hopefully she'll be kind enough to leave her explanation in the comment section, even if only as a reminder to me), but I don't want just any husband. I want the husband the Lord has for me, the one He wants to bless me with. I want His best, not second best.
To get back to the Bible study, one of the "questions" was to list a truth that I took away from that chapter (it was chapter 1), and what I said was that I need to remember that age does not matter, and God can use anyone to further His kingdom regardless of his or her age. See, it's not just in doing God's work that I need to remember this, but in everyday life.
Age is just a number and it doesn't matter if everyone around me is younger; it doesn't matter that at age thirty-seven I am doing or learning things most people would have started as a child or teenager (such as taking up a musical instrument, going to university). It doesn't matter if most everyone I know is either married, has a child, or both. It doesn't matter - but some times it does matter to me.
I haven't mastered this yet, but I'm working on it and it might take a long while to change my thinking and feelings around; but I'm trying. I'm trying to put my focus on Jesus and be obedient in my walk, seek Him in all situations, etc. Again, it's not easy - but no one ever said the Christian walk is a piece of cake!