I Am Fearing Again...

Today I pulled out my application for the education program that I am going to be applying for for next fall. I wanted to ask my supervisor at work for a reference. However, I read over the FAQ they attach to the application and read about the kind of references they want.

The first reference is from someone regarding work with kids that I have had. I already asked the lady in charge of my church's mid week kids program if she would give me a reference regarding this, and she said she would. The next reference is with an academic reference. I've emailed one of the profs I've had quite a bit, as I am sure he will give me a good reference. The thing is, he is on sabatacle this year. I am hoping that he reads his school email frequently and still uses it even though he's not there this year. Someone told me that he is supposed to be going away this semester so that scares me...that he either won't get the email or that I won't be able to get a reference from him. I have another prof on back-up that I will ask if this one can't (this second prof has actually recommended me as a tutor for the Religious Studies courses, for the students at school who need it, so maybe he'd be able to give me a good one as well).

The third one is giving me problems. I have decided that a reference from my supervisor won't do because they one one that will tie things together and be a well rounded one that will give support to being a teacher and being in the education program...or something like that. I have absolutely no clue who to ask for this, or what it really means. So, tonight I have emailed the registrar in charge of the education program to find out if she can lead me in the right direction. I don't know if it would be acceptable to have the teacher I help at Sunday school (the beginner's class - kindergarten to grade 2) as the third reference or what (I asked that in the email). Hopefully I'll hear back soon as to what they are looking for.

I have been feeling...I don't know...down I guess, or maybe afraid today because of this whole Education program thing. Let me explain a little so that it might help you understand what or why I am in this spot.

When I felt the time came that I needed a change in my life, work was really getting to me. I had been in a somewhat dead end job for nearly 12 years. I was about as far up the ladder as I could go there, which wasn't the problem. The problem was that it was data entry, and I was sick and tired of that kind of work. I was only trained in office work and I no longer had any interest in this sort of thing at all. It made me feel sick to think that was the kind of work I would have to do for the rest of my life. Don't get me wrong, I don't think there is anything wrong with office work or anything...I was just sick and tired of it. I needed a change. I was also getting carpal tunnel, and not long before applying for school, I actually did get it in my left wrist and it was progressing in my right one.

So, I prayed a lot about going back to school...because that is what I would need to do. I had no idea what I wanted to do, or what I should do. It was then that people who didn't know I was even thinking about going back to school started asking me if I had ever thought about being a teacher because I was good with the kids. They told me they could see a twinkle in my eye when I was around them and that I seemed to work well with them. They told me that I would make a good teacher.

I started praying and felt that my direction was being strengthened to go back to school. I talked to the admissions people and found out that I would need to get my BA (Bachelor of Arts) before I could get my BEd (Bachelor of Education). So, I began to pray about what I should take for my BA and felt the Lord direct me to Biblical Studies. Now, before I go on, I've had people tell me that of course God would want me to take that since it's about the Bible and about Him. However, I firmly believe that if God wanted me to take Psychology or something else He would have led me to that. I believe that God has me in the Biblical Studies program for a reason, and not just to learn about Him.

I had also prayed a lot about becoming a teacher (prior to praying about the BA thing) and felt led to this. I felt that the comments people had made were a confirmation that this was the right direction for me. I had all the faith in the world that the Lord wanted me to go back to school and become a teacher.

So, that isn't the problem. The problem for me is that somewhere along the way I started doubting and second-guessing myself. I wonder to myself sometimes if I am doing what God really wants me to do, or if it was just me wanting to do this. I start thinking what if I apply for the education and I don't get in...does that mean I wasn't following God's will for my life but following my own desires? I know that satan could be filling me with doubt, causing me to fell this way.

I am afraid that I won't get into the Education program after all this work, after believing that this was the path God wanted me on. I am afraid that somewhere along the way I stopped having faith and stopped believing that I am doing God's will in this. This doesn't consume me every minute of the day mind you...but today I have really been mulling it over in my mind.

I have been praying that the Lord will let me know who I should ask for the third reference. I have been praying that my marks will be good enough, that He will give me the words to say on the essay part of the application, that I will be granted an interview and get accepted into the program. I know there are areas I need to learn and improve upon in my teaching skills, but isn't that what the education program is about?

I am afraid that if I don't get in, it will be because I started doubting, and stopped trusting. I know that if this is God's will/plan for my life I will get accepted. But what if I don't? Then what? A Bachelor of Arts doesn't really give you anything. I don't want to feel that I have wasted 4 years of my life (especially since I'm getting close to 40) and created a big debt from student loans for nothing.

I am trying to trust God in this. I am trying to believe that He will get me into the program, that He didn't bring me to get this education for nothing. I knew going into this that it would be a long haul (6 years in total), and I don't think He would bring through this far to drop me on my butt and laugh at me for believing that I could be a teacher.

I'm just rambling now I think...more to get this off my chest and just ask for prayer and guidance and wisdom in all of this. Also I need prayers that I will trust and believe that God will bring me through this. I feel weak (not physically, but spiritually and emotionally), but I guess that is good because it is in my weakness that God is made strong...that His strength can get me through this. I just have a huge fear about this. I don't want to fail at this. I don't want to not get into the program. I don't want to fear...I want to trust and believe but I am having a hard time with it in this situation for some reason.

Anyway, I would appreciate some prayer for this. I don't want to worry and fret about it. I want to know that this is what God wants for me and to stop fearing. But it keeps niggling at my mind today and it wont stop.