Monday, April 12, 2010

The Start of A New Week

It's Monday, the beginning of a new week (well, technically yesterday was the beginning, but we always seem to classify it as being the end) filled with lots of promise. 

I am feeling somewhat better since my last post; at least the last couple of days have been not too bad. I don't know if my situations have changed, but regardless, I haven't felt as down and out of sorts since probably Thursday or Friday. I worked Friday morning, so that was a help at getting my mind off things. I've been praying (though probably not as much as I should), and realizing I'm focusing so much on me lately; I've been quite selfish and self-centered.

I guess it's not really about me anyway. I should be focused on others - praying for them, helping them, etc. and not worrying about what I want, or what I desire (even if it's been the strongest desires I've had since I was a child). It's not about me. That hurts.  But, we are to be humble and put others first and ourselves last.

I've been thinking lately about putting others first, about being more obedient to God and His commands, and it makes me wonder - if I do this, then will I get my desires? But, I suppose, that makes me selfish again. I should be doing for God and His people to further the Kingdom of God, to be more like Jesus, and not worry about whether or not I my prayers and desires will come true because I am obedient. It doesn't work that way. I need to pick up my cross and carry it. I need to die to self. I need God's strength, because I sure can't do it on my own! That's such a hard lesson to learn, especially in a "self-sufficient" and "I am weak if I ask for help" society.

So, that's where I am today. I'm trying to get back in touch with God, to "fix" my relationship with Jesus, to focus on others and not myself, and to not let fear have control over me.