Well, school starts back up tomorrow. I have one class on Wednesdays, but it is nearly three hours long (starts at 3:55 and goes until 5:40 or 5:45). I am hoping that this is a class I will enjoy - it's on Post-exhilic writings, and the prof had told me we'll be studying both books of Chronicles.
I'll have two classes on Thursdays, a history class from 11:50 until 1:05, and then the second half of TESL from 6:30 til 9:15 or something like that. Then on Tuesdays I'll have the history class again (this class is twice a week).
I'm still feeling indiffernt about school this year. Maybe that will change with the new courses; but who knows.
I'm also feeling lost in the spiritual aspect of things. Oh, don't get me wrong, I still believe and everything...I just don't know where God wants me. I don't feel "called" anymore to the ministries I have been doing for nearly seven years now, but I don't know where I am being "called" to. I don't know if I just need a break from all of it or what.
I see people all around me growing in their walks, doing great things for the Lord, being blessed by God...but I feel I'm slipping backwards. I am not being fed, and I think that is the problem. Really, I only get the sermon during church service. That's all. For Sunday school, I teach a handful - ok really only 5 kids tops, in the class and I don't get anything from that. I help during mid week program, and I really don't do anything there (basically I feel like another body in the room) and I'm not being fed with that. I'm not in a small group and I really have no desire to lead any group - especially at this time (maybe some point in the future). I just suck at leading.
I don't think I'm really doing any good to anyone. Worst of all, I feel hypocritical...though I don't know if that is the right word or not. I believe Jesus is God's Son, that He died on the cross for my sins, that He rose three days later, that I have eternal life in Him...
I find it ever so hard to pray, and when I do pray I don't know what to say - I don't feel that I can even approach God. My prayers are short, repetitive (because I don't know what to say). I feel like my prayers are insignificant, not important - though I know that they are important to God...I don't know...it's hard to explain.
I'm sure there are other things in my life that are affecting all of this too. It just feels like a huge weight is on my chest and I'm suffocating from something, but I don't know what it is. I've tried starting over, starting fresh since the new year began. I've read a chapter a day (started with the book of John) so far, and have kept up with it. Prayer is harder to do lately though.
It's really weird...during the week I am pretty well fine with nothing really bothering me. Then when Sunday rolls around, I almost dread having to go to church. It's weird because I have always liked church. The mid-week kids program is starting up next week (there is a leaders meeting tomorrow night as well), and I am not looking forward to that. In the past I have always enjoyed taking part in this.
I don't know. I don't know what is wrong, I don't know what I should be doing (or not doing), I don't know what direction I should take, what form of action...nothing. I feel lost. I've talked to God about it - about what I should/shouldn't do, but I'm not hearing anything. I'm just as lost as ever...
I know He is in control and He has a plan. That's great. I just don't have any clue at the moment of what I should be doing. I'm in the fog, baby; and I can't see the light.