Tuesday, January 09, 2007

In The Fog, Baby

Well, school starts back up tomorrow. I have one class on Wednesdays, but it is nearly three hours long (starts at 3:55 and goes until 5:40 or 5:45). I am hoping that this is a class I will enjoy - it's on Post-exhilic writings, and the prof had told me we'll be studying both books of Chronicles.

I'll have two classes on Thursdays, a history class from 11:50 until 1:05, and then the second half of TESL from 6:30 til 9:15 or something like that. Then on Tuesdays I'll have the history class again (this class is twice a week).

I'm still feeling indiffernt about school this year. Maybe that will change with the new courses; but who knows.

I'm also feeling lost in the spiritual aspect of things. Oh, don't get me wrong, I still believe and everything...I just don't know where God wants me. I don't feel "called" anymore to the ministries I have been doing for nearly seven years now, but I don't know where I am being "called" to. I don't know if I just need a break from all of it or what.

I see people all around me growing in their walks, doing great things for the Lord, being blessed by God...but I feel I'm slipping backwards. I am not being fed, and I think that is the problem. Really, I only get the sermon during church service. That's all. For Sunday school, I teach a handful - ok really only 5 kids tops, in the class and I don't get anything from that. I help during mid week program, and I really don't do anything there (basically I feel like another body in the room) and I'm not being fed with that. I'm not in a small group and I really have no desire to lead any group - especially at this time (maybe some point in the future). I just suck at leading.
I don't think I'm really doing any good to anyone. Worst of all, I feel hypocritical...though I don't know if that is the right word or not. I believe Jesus is God's Son, that He died on the cross for my sins, that He rose three days later, that I have eternal life in Him...

I find it ever so hard to pray, and when I do pray I don't know what to say - I don't feel that I can even approach God. My prayers are short, repetitive (because I don't know what to say). I feel like my prayers are insignificant, not important - though I know that they are important to God...I don't know...it's hard to explain.

I'm sure there are other things in my life that are affecting all of this too. It just feels like a huge weight is on my chest and I'm suffocating from something, but I don't know what it is. I've tried starting over, starting fresh since the new year began. I've read a chapter a day (started with the book of John) so far, and have kept up with it. Prayer is harder to do lately though.

It's really weird...during the week I am pretty well fine with nothing really bothering me. Then when Sunday rolls around, I almost dread having to go to church. It's weird because I have always liked church. The mid-week kids program is starting up next week (there is a leaders meeting tomorrow night as well), and I am not looking forward to that. In the past I have always enjoyed taking part in this.

I don't know. I don't know what is wrong, I don't know what I should be doing (or not doing), I don't know what direction I should take, what form of action...nothing. I feel lost. I've talked to God about it - about what I should/shouldn't do, but I'm not hearing anything. I'm just as lost as ever...

I know He is in control and He has a plan. That's great. I just don't have any clue at the moment of what I should be doing. I'm in the fog, baby; and I can't see the light.


Jayleigh said...

Keep believing. Keep on keeping on.

God has a plan for you, but you don't know what it is just yet. He hasn't forgotten you, sweet sister.

It's the winter blues, I'm tellin' ya. I have them myself.


Anonymous said...

Hi there, it happens to me sometimes too, but then sometimes, as the Word of God says "The spirit is willing but the flesh is weak" I make my flesh listen, make myself sit down, set apart time to pray and read and Bible, expecting God to speak and most of the time He does.
Sometimes though if I have too many things on my head, it needs more effort from my flesh.

Hope that helps.

God Bless.

Anonymous said...

Shelley, keep on keeping on. I know that is easy to say but I've found that when I am feeling confused I try to do what 'godzheart' has said above. You have to set time aside to be with God and it has to be with an expectant heart.
I pray that this time will be a time of blessing.

Shelley said...

You guys are right...I need to make the time for God, for what is important in my life. Thanks for the reminder and encouragement :o)

Anonymous said...

I know what you mean. But I found out, that for me at least, I wasn't being fed. What I found out was the a church is supposed to be fostering a relationship with Christ above all other things, but more often than not Jesus isn't even the point of the service. It seemed like, at my old church, everyone else was making it but I was falling behind.

It wasn't until I discovered that what my neighbor in the pew was doing doesn't matter... What the pastor says is the week's "spiritual focus" didn't matter... My Purpose didn't matter... All that mattered was Jesus and what he's done, what he's doing, and what he will do. We are his bride, and like a bride we should be all about him rather than ourselves, rather than how we feel or whatever.

Only Jesus matters, and in that I know that each time I don't feel like it, or don't live up to what I'm supposed to live up to... all is forgiven, and Jesus is still my way, truth and life.

matt (it wont let me log in for some reason)

Anonymous said...

I think everyone at sometime in their lives go through this same thing.
You have to remember that you can only handle the things of this day, do not worry about tomorrow. Today has enough for you to deal with.
If you are not being fed enough, maybe a Bible study or getting together with a friend or two to read and discuss issues of the Bible. Maybe your church has a ladies Bible study or a Bible study class at your church. Maybe you should take turns with the kids so you can get fed periodically.
Sometime we are tested and we need to stand firm in our faith until the trials are over. It makes us stronger in our faith.
I pray you find comfort and strength to withstand the things that come your way.
In Him,