I Should Be...

...working on my essay for Post Exilic Writings that is due tomorrow. Instead, I am taking a little break to check a few blogs and write this post.

I've been mulling over this essay since the day we were assigned it. I have read the first nine chapters of 1 Chronicles, some of the chapters several times; I have read the article that we have to read and base our essay responses on at least four times; I have meditated and thought about this essay and what I would say or want to say for two weeks now.

So, I sat down to write it up tonight. It is two pages, single spaced and is to be our thoughts on the article, which is based on the first nine chapters of 1 Chronicles (hence my reading them). I had three or four ideas to discuss that I thought would be perfect, so I started writing up my thoughts and ideas on them.

That is where my problem started. Everything I am coming up with, while it might sound pretty good, I am shooting down a bit later because I come up with something else. For example, Saul's genealogy is mentioned twice (chapter 8 and 9), Benjamin's genealogy is mentioned twice (chapter 7 and 8)...and I had a couple of good ideas as to possibly why this was or what it could mean. Then I read something in the article and figured I was on the wrong track. So, I come up with another idea that might work...though I don't know how good or true it would be. I'll put it in anyway, but it won't come anywhere near to filling two pages.

I have been working on this essay, the actual writing part, for 4 1/2 to 5 hours--writing, reading, writing, research, writing...and I'm getting nowhere fast. It seems like I am going around in circles and can't get off the merry-go-round. This essay shouldn't be too difficult. I've done them before in the past, and it doesn't require much. It's also only worth 10%, but I want to do well on it.

The weird thing is, I would feel more comfortable discussing this topic and using other sources (commentaries, etc.) which we can't use for this, and writing a ten page essay. I think I could probably do better on that because I would have more room to discuss, rather than try to condense so much into such a short space.

Oh well, back to work...I can feel my hair turning grey over this as I write...

Into The Swing of Things...Again

I've just completed my first week back at school since Christmas break. Ok, so technically I only have three courses, and I'm only there for three days, but nonetheless, my week is completed for school.

Yesterday, Wednesday, I had my Post Exilic Writings class. There were about 11 of us, but the prof said there were a few more who couldn't be there that night because it was conflicting with the end of one of the intensive week courses. I'm not sure how many were involved in that, but I'm thinking about 2 or 3.

Anyway, this class will be mostly discussion - which is what I like. We have 4 written essays to do (two pagers, but we have to interact with articles that we have to read for it), but they way they are set up, it would all work out to equal a term paper. Our first one is due in two weeks and we have to read the first 6 chapters (or 9...I forget, but have it marked down) of 1 Chronicles carefully, then read the article and then write our essay. There is no mid term I don't think, which is nice, but there is a final exam. It's worth 40% of our mark!! I would rather there be a mid term exam so that the value of the final exam wouldn't be so high. Oh well, can't do anything about that - except study ;o).

This afternoon I had Maritime History since 1800. This is on the Maritimes in Canada, focusing on New Brunswick, Prince Edward Island, and Nova Scotia. Some of this class sounds interesting, but a lot of it sounds boring. I have a couple of ideas in mind for a paper topic, but need to discuss them with the prof to see which one I should/could do. I think, for the one I'd really like to do, there might not be a whole lot of information available on it, but I could be wrong. I've already looked up some stuff on the internet to see what was out there (did this some time ago because it was something I wanted to write about in a novel), and couldn't find much - though that doesn't mean there is nothing available in book form at the library. The other topic should have lots of info, but for both I think it depends on just what the paper is about - something specific and not general.

My third class, TESL, I just had this evening and have been home about 45 mins. from that. It's basically a continuation of the first semester. Most of the people who were in the class first semester are back, though some aren't. I don't know if it's because they failed, or decided not to take the second semester. For all I know, they didn't like the class and decided to drop it. No big deal, and it's none of my business anyway.

I think that this semester is going to have a lot more work than my first semester did - or at least it seems that way. I'll get through it though; I have in the past. I'm not worried about the amount of work. I just want to do well in my subjects.

Anyway, I'm off to read some blogs and do some knitting! Have a Christ filled day!

In The Fog, Baby

Well, school starts back up tomorrow. I have one class on Wednesdays, but it is nearly three hours long (starts at 3:55 and goes until 5:40 or 5:45). I am hoping that this is a class I will enjoy - it's on Post-exhilic writings, and the prof had told me we'll be studying both books of Chronicles.

I'll have two classes on Thursdays, a history class from 11:50 until 1:05, and then the second half of TESL from 6:30 til 9:15 or something like that. Then on Tuesdays I'll have the history class again (this class is twice a week).

I'm still feeling indiffernt about school this year. Maybe that will change with the new courses; but who knows.

I'm also feeling lost in the spiritual aspect of things. Oh, don't get me wrong, I still believe and everything...I just don't know where God wants me. I don't feel "called" anymore to the ministries I have been doing for nearly seven years now, but I don't know where I am being "called" to. I don't know if I just need a break from all of it or what.

I see people all around me growing in their walks, doing great things for the Lord, being blessed by God...but I feel I'm slipping backwards. I am not being fed, and I think that is the problem. Really, I only get the sermon during church service. That's all. For Sunday school, I teach a handful - ok really only 5 kids tops, in the class and I don't get anything from that. I help during mid week program, and I really don't do anything there (basically I feel like another body in the room) and I'm not being fed with that. I'm not in a small group and I really have no desire to lead any group - especially at this time (maybe some point in the future). I just suck at leading.
I don't think I'm really doing any good to anyone. Worst of all, I feel hypocritical...though I don't know if that is the right word or not. I believe Jesus is God's Son, that He died on the cross for my sins, that He rose three days later, that I have eternal life in Him...

I find it ever so hard to pray, and when I do pray I don't know what to say - I don't feel that I can even approach God. My prayers are short, repetitive (because I don't know what to say). I feel like my prayers are insignificant, not important - though I know that they are important to God...I don't know...it's hard to explain.

I'm sure there are other things in my life that are affecting all of this too. It just feels like a huge weight is on my chest and I'm suffocating from something, but I don't know what it is. I've tried starting over, starting fresh since the new year began. I've read a chapter a day (started with the book of John) so far, and have kept up with it. Prayer is harder to do lately though.

It's really weird...during the week I am pretty well fine with nothing really bothering me. Then when Sunday rolls around, I almost dread having to go to church. It's weird because I have always liked church. The mid-week kids program is starting up next week (there is a leaders meeting tomorrow night as well), and I am not looking forward to that. In the past I have always enjoyed taking part in this.

I don't know. I don't know what is wrong, I don't know what I should be doing (or not doing), I don't know what direction I should take, what form of action...nothing. I feel lost. I've talked to God about it - about what I should/shouldn't do, but I'm not hearing anything. I'm just as lost as ever...

I know He is in control and He has a plan. That's great. I just don't have any clue at the moment of what I should be doing. I'm in the fog, baby; and I can't see the light.

Happy New Year!

A new year has begun! I am not one for making New Year's Resolutions, simply because I never stick to them - or if I do, it doesn't take very long before I stop. I do have some things that I am going to work at changing, new things to try, etc.; but, I am not going to lose sleep over it if I don't stick to it.

I wonder, sometimes, if it is a good idea to make some sort of resolutions or plans for the coming year - simply becuase if you have a plan, you are more apt to accomplish what it is you are setting out to do. With no plan, it's very easy to not get anything done. So, do I make a mental list? Do I write it out? I think if it is written out, it gives you something tangible to follow and might make it easier to stick to whatever it is you are going to do. Mental plans can easily be forgotten.

Anyway, I'm out of the funk I was in with my last post. It'll come back again, but hopefully I can be stronger in dealing with things. The sermon at church, yesterday, was great and it sort of hit home for my situation. It made me stop and think that a great deal of my anquish at times is of a spiritual nature - the enemy is trying to stop me (or get me to stop) doing things for the Lord, the ministries I'm in, etc.

I started my new year off with reading the Bible (try to get back into that)...ok, in all honesty, it was the second thing I did - the first was to block a pretty scarf that I finished knitting last night (you can see a picture of it on my knitting blog, Kitten Knits Yarn), but I did read the Bible. I wasn't sure what I wanted to read, so I started with the book of John again. When ever I don't know what to read, I seem to gravitate toward that Book - either that or James or 1 Peter.

One of my classes next semester is on Post Exhilic Writings, which is going to focus on the books of Chronicles. I read the first couple of chapters of that the other day and was sooooo bored - those two chapters (and I think a couple more after it) are boring geneaologies. They're there for a reason though, so I'll plow through it and read into the rest of it. I want to have an idea of what the books are about and think up some possible questions to ask (if I come across any). I've had this prof before, so I know what his class is like; it's one that I'm looking forward to taking because there will be lots of discussion, and I like discussion.

Anyway, I hope you all have a happy new year filled with the joy and peace that comes from the Lord, Jesus the Christ! God bless!