Well, in regard to my future, I am back at the "I don't know what to do" phase - though I don't think I ever left it. Every time I feel like I'm on track and am heading towards something in particular, another penny gets thrown into the pot and causes ripples on the surface.
I thought I had it figured out what I would do. Then, within the last couple of weeks someone throws an idea my way that is another possibility of what to do. It sounds like a good thing, except it would require me to get a bigger student loan, plus it would be for three years. And on top of that I would need money for rent, etc. because it requires me to move out of province.
I know that God provides for His children's needs. I know that God has a plan for my and in what direction I need to move. But, I do not want to end up owing around $50,000 in student loans when all is said and done. That would mean I would have to pay a good $500-$600 a month on the student loans itself, plus when I finish school I would need to pay rent (I refuse to live with mommy and daddy forever, especially when I reach my 40's, and that's not far off!), need a car and all that other stuff that living in the real world costs.
I hate being in this situation. I mean, I'm glad that the Lord has provided for me in the past, has given me the opportunity to go back to school, etc. I just don't like this not knowing what to do, especially when it comes to the whole student loan issue.
I am praying about this, about what God wants me to do but I'm not hearing anything. I have gotten excited about this second option (which I don't think I could pull off until next year, next January at the earliest), but the whole financial aspect of it hinders me. I can't get any scholarships, because those go to people just out of high school or who have applied for the school earlier on and have excelled in their previous academics (I did ok, but not enough to give me scholarships), and a lot of scholarships and bursaries aren't enough to make a dent into the whole loan issue.
I'm at a point where I have absolutely no idea what I should do. I don't even know anymore if I still want to teach - at least in a public school. I love the Bible and the biblical studies course I took and I love to teach Sunday school to the kids (I'd kind of like to try teaching adults at some time maybe). I just don't know what to do.
I don't hear God's voice. I don't hear what He wants, and I can't sit around too long and just wait because I have to either enroll in school and rake up an even bigger debt load (which could be a struggle to pay off in the end) or find a different job because I can't continue doing data entry (because of my wrists).
I'm trying to be patient, I'm trying to listen for God to speak, I'm trying to do what He wants me to do...but I just don't know what to do next. My heart is feeling very heavy these last few days and I'm trying to give this whole thing to God but I can't seem to let go...
God, help me. Please.