Wednesday, July 12, 2006

Another Big Sigh

Well, in regard to my future, I am back at the "I don't know what to do" phase - though I don't think I ever left it. Every time I feel like I'm on track and am heading towards something in particular, another penny gets thrown into the pot and causes ripples on the surface.

I thought I had it figured out what I would do. Then, within the last couple of weeks someone throws an idea my way that is another possibility of what to do. It sounds like a good thing, except it would require me to get a bigger student loan, plus it would be for three years. And on top of that I would need money for rent, etc. because it requires me to move out of province.

I know that God provides for His children's needs. I know that God has a plan for my and in what direction I need to move. But, I do not want to end up owing around $50,000 in student loans when all is said and done. That would mean I would have to pay a good $500-$600 a month on the student loans itself, plus when I finish school I would need to pay rent (I refuse to live with mommy and daddy forever, especially when I reach my 40's, and that's not far off!), need a car and all that other stuff that living in the real world costs.

I hate being in this situation. I mean, I'm glad that the Lord has provided for me in the past, has given me the opportunity to go back to school, etc. I just don't like this not knowing what to do, especially when it comes to the whole student loan issue.

I am praying about this, about what God wants me to do but I'm not hearing anything. I have gotten excited about this second option (which I don't think I could pull off until next year, next January at the earliest), but the whole financial aspect of it hinders me. I can't get any scholarships, because those go to people just out of high school or who have applied for the school earlier on and have excelled in their previous academics (I did ok, but not enough to give me scholarships), and a lot of scholarships and bursaries aren't enough to make a dent into the whole loan issue.

I'm at a point where I have absolutely no idea what I should do. I don't even know anymore if I still want to teach - at least in a public school. I love the Bible and the biblical studies course I took and I love to teach Sunday school to the kids (I'd kind of like to try teaching adults at some time maybe). I just don't know what to do.

I don't hear God's voice. I don't hear what He wants, and I can't sit around too long and just wait because I have to either enroll in school and rake up an even bigger debt load (which could be a struggle to pay off in the end) or find a different job because I can't continue doing data entry (because of my wrists).

I'm trying to be patient, I'm trying to listen for God to speak, I'm trying to do what He wants me to do...but I just don't know what to do next. My heart is feeling very heavy these last few days and I'm trying to give this whole thing to God but I can't seem to let go...

God, help me. Please.


Jennifer said...

I know the feeling.

Disciple said...

I didn't go to college until I was 31. There was always someone or something stopping me. Finally I sat down and asked myself -- if money weren't an option -- what would I want? Once I decided where I was going I asked God, if it be in his will, to help me make it happen -- then I set out searching, researching and knocking on doors.

Yes, I took out student loans -- small ones. I had no family to help with expenses so I had roommates. I got a work study job and a part time job off campus. I joined Americorps, the domestic Peace Corps.

If you want God to communicate with you, DO something. He'll let you know whether you're going in the right direction or not.

Susan said...

I was 36 when I went back into education, initially just as an extension of the watercolour painting I did. I had no idea that I'd be getting a university degree at the age of 43 6 years later, or that we'd have moved house to somewhere I can have a pottery studio at home. Sometimes God shows us things a tiny step at a time.
Instead of looking at the huge picture, try looking and listening for the next step.

What's my Mission said...

Hey chickie:
Seems like we are once again in a similar frame of mind. I have no words of wisdom cause I feel like I am in the same place.. You pray for me and I will pray for you and we'll support each other through this... K> Hugz

QuillDancer said...

Susan -- perfect, what I wanted to say, succint and clear!

Shelly, I came back to add that these stumbling blocks in front of you, though real, could very well be "old tapes" trying to keep you from trying. My first year in college I fully expected somebody to tap me on the shoulder, tell me they'd made a mistake, and I needed to go home ...

Don't let fear stop you from being who you want to be. Trust in God, step out onto that invisible bridge called faith, and go for it.

Katie said...

Sweet lady, I know those cries of your heart. I wish that I could offer good answers or give directions just to be able to "do" something. Instead I'm offering prayer that God will speak where you can hear and direct your feet down the path He desires.

31 Girl said...

I know exactly what you are going through because I am there myself. Not really with the whole school thing but with wanting to know what the heck God's will is. His timing is everything and He will only move when He knows it is the right time to do so. Also remember that that there is nothing wrong with waitingon Him - it's so much better to wait for the Lord than to try to do things on our own and get everything screwed up.

I just pray that you will have peace and that very soon you will receive a definite answer to your prayers.

Tammy said...

Hi Shelley,
I can understand what you are going through. I have struggled for a long time not knowing what I wanted to do, too. I thought I might be happy to just stay home after my kids are grown, but now I don't think that is true--which is why I am going back to school next month. I don't want more student loan debt either, but I know God will provide. I pray you hear God's voice soon. Hugs!

Venice said...

Oh Shelley!
I'm sorry to hear you're going thru this. I'll be praying for you, for wisdom, direction & God's favor...that He'll guide you in the right path. Be encouraged that He has a perfect plan.
Love in Him
You're a blessing!

Debrand said...

I'm exactly in your spot except I'm just looking for a job. But not a job, a wonderful, Christ-filled place where I can fulfill the great commission and love my work and co-workers, bring home just enough money, with some left over for the felt-needs of others, great hours, the calling of my heart, fulfilling works for my hands. But silence from heaven I didn't count on. So many options, so little sure direction. I'm just taking one day at a time and watching where God will lead me. I know He will. I used to pray for His plan to be made clear, but He said that I might spoil it if I knew in advance what I was going to have to do. I agreed. I want to watch it unfold and look back and gasp!

Maggie Ann said...

Praying for you Shelley...thats a lot of big unknowns but God is sovereign...he will not leave thee nor forsake thee....

Robyn said...

Praying for you! I know you feel that there is no way, but waiting on God is a must. However, take steps to make this happen, He will meet you where you are at.