Wednesday, April 12, 2006

Jumbled Mind

Take two: ok, I had two bigish paragraphs written and deleted them. My mind is going around in circles I guess and I can't seem to come out with a straight line of thought. It's like every time I try to put words to what I have been thinking, it doesn't work and it comes out jumbled or not sounding 'right' or even make any sense.

I do feel that the Lord is drawing me closer to Him throughout all of this; not just to comfort me, but to urge me on with my walk with Him. I have been in a bit of a slump for a little while with my walk, and felt a little distanced from God. It has not been anything He has done - the fault lies with me for pulling away at times, and it has been harder and harder to get back into the kind of relationship I want to have with Him; to experience the closeness I once felt, the fire I had at the beginning, the passion to do for the Lord.

Maybe the Lord is using this tragic situation to speak to me, to remind me how precious our lives are and how little time we are on this earth. For some that time is less than it is for others. We just never know when He will call us home. To be honest, that is scaring me a little over these last few days.

I guess I am feeling afraid - afraid of having unfinished business here on earth; of not having done all for the Lord that I could have. Now, I know that it is not works that gets us into heaven, but only through the faith and acceptance of Jesus Christ as our Lord and Saviour. However, we are to be like Jesus and that includes being a servant to the Lord - Jesus was a servant (He said He came to serve not to be served), and so we should be too. I know I have not lived up to my part of the deal (if you want to call it that). I know I have not obeyed Him as much as I should, and maybe even "pretending" not to hear know, like if you don't hear what He wants you to do you won't have to do it, right? Or maybe if I avoid talking to Him in prayer He won't tell me to do something that I am uncomfortable doing (as in stepping out of my box)...I don't even know if this is making any sense or not right now.

Don't get me wrong. I want to serve the Lord and be obedient, to be Jesus to others - but I fail at this...sometimes a lot. I am not perfect. But I know that when I ask Jesus to forgive me for this disobedience that He does forgive me; I also know that I need to be obedient - more obedient!

My witnessing also lacks greatly. To be honest, to talk face to face with people about Jesus (that is to those who don't know Him) scares me because I am afraid that I won't be able to answer their questions, or that I'll mess up in my words and not make sense or not have some sort of "come back" (for lack of a better word) against the other person's arguments. I am not ashamed of Jesus - I am afraid that I will mess up.

I know that I am supposed to be a witness to Jesus, to go into the world and proclaim the Good News of Jesus Christ. Yes, I can do it on the internet through my blog or in a chat room or what have you...but there is something about witnessing face to face. That scares the heck out of me and I don't think it should. So, since it causes fear, that is not from's from Satan who is attempting to keep me from telling others about Jesus...and it seems to have worked (with face to face situations that is).

So, I feel like God is using this whole time of mourning to call me closer to Him and remind me that I need to be obedient. I need to witness. I need to be a servant. But I don't know what to do or where to start...I don't even know if I am making sense with this in my thoughts.

I don't want to stand before Him one day and be one of the goats who did not feed Him when He was hungry, or give Him a drink when He was thirsty, or clothe Him, etc. I want to hear Him say, "Well done good and faithful servant."


Annette Burkett said...

You sound so much like me. As a matter of fact, your first paragraph sounded just like one of my posts the other day...LOL. Just remember that when you draw closer to God, He will draw closer to you. I also tend to forget that sometimes He says, "Peace. Be still. Wait and hear My voice."

You should come join us Saturday either at 6am or 9pm CST for fellowship online through Yahoo Messenger chat. Let me know if you're interested!

Joe said...

We all have to face our imperfectness.

After 46 years of service to Him, I find myself evermore aware that I am not nearly the "gift" to Him I used to think I was.

Continue to draw close to Him. He will not turn you away.

Anonymous said...

Always remember that God sustains. I'm going through a time of "remembering" right now - an "anniversary" of sorts.

God sustains.

Nettie said...

I know what you mean about the jumbling words...hang in there..

Bonnie Calhoun said...

I know how you feel...none of us are the "prizes" that God wants us to be. But we can continue to work on our "walk".

We're all human. That's why God came in the flesh, so he'd experience how we feel. He knows your heart...just keep persevering!

Jennifer said...

Shelley - I love the way you share your heart so openly and honestly. I think we all struggle with the same thoughts and feelings, but most of us won't admit it. Thank you for the way you share Jesus every day.

Prayerful Knitter - Shelly said...

Shelley, your honesty is so precious...and I understand and have felt every word that you wrote. I have felt these same feelings and had the same thoughts.

Thank you for your honesty. Your heart is open and wanting to serve and our Heavenly Father will complete the good and wonderful work in you that he has started.

You are a blessing to me today!


Jezreel said...

You know that I'm praying for ya, Shelley! And thanks for praying for me! I know how you feel.

Saija said...

sometimes it's in the resting that we find the wisdom for the doing ...

may He bless you this Easter Season!

C. H. Green said...

Thank you for making me feel not so alone in my feelings and thoughts. I will pray for you during your time of grief.

Kristi said...

Hey Shelley - this was such a great post. My husband and I (and our whole family) suffered a tragic triple homicide of 3 of our dearest loved ones that was caused by the gun in the hand of another one of our family members who also killed himself that same hour - this was back in December, and I can tell you that I understand these feelings - when you are hurting and you can't even put your finger on why it bothers you to be comforted by others or to draw near to God... sometimes, very rarely, but sometimes as Christians I think we just have to CLING to the Rock, our Savior Jesus, and try not to figure out our feelings. We just pray, pray, pray, even if our prayers sound like a two year-old who is hungry and needs sleep. I agree with all the above comments - I, too, can relate to what you are going through - what a joy to hear this from our brothers and sisters in the Lord! We can offer so much more comfort when we have been there. Anyway, one of my heroes, AW Tozer, wrote a short chapter in one of my favorite books by him that might further point you to the Rock, where you may hide and rest, until this dry spell is lifted and you walk again in the sun on God's mountain of joy. Click here for this excerpt. Thank you for sharing so honestly; it truly ministers to others!

Kristi said...

Oh - ps!!! GRACE for every new day - found in Jesus Christ!

Have you ever read anything by Jonathan Edwards? He shared your exact thoughts so many times, and he (thank you, God!) wrote them down for so many of us to read. They will, if not already, definitely urge you in your walk with Christ. Here'sa site devoted to many of his works (this is the "personal" section from the main page).

Debrand said...

Shelley, you've read my thoughts for this past week and posted them...especially the witnessing part. But you know, it's the Holy Spirit who draws all men's hearts to God. Let Him lead you in every situation. Witnessing is so much more than talking. It's listening, being kind and considerate of others, it's setting an example and letting others see the work Christ has done in you. This time of grieving will help someone else because you've been through it. You will be able to fall back on the uncomfortable comfortableness of 'having been there'. Let God lead and you follow. It may be just a word, a sentence or a hug but don't let satan tell you that you aren't a witness. YOU ARE!!!!!!!!!!

Zoanna said...

Shelley,our loving Heavenly Father wants to spend time with you and hear from you, all your hurts, your praises, your confusion, your thanks, everything. Think upon His death and what it means. Preach the gospel to yourself every day. The trouble with us, someone once said, is that we spend too much listening to ourselves and not enough time talking to ourselves., Talking in the sense of telling ourselves the truth, not reiterating how we feel. As for your walk with the Lord, I would suggest this book I'm reading called "A Place of Quiet Rest" by Nancy Leigh de Moss . As for the sin called biblically "fear of man" I would suggest a book called When People are Big and God is Small. It helped me tremendously. As for witnessing, I agree: get hold of Jonathan Edwards , particularly the sermon called Sinners in the Hands of an Angry God. available online YOu will not want ANYONE, friend or foe, to die withou having at least heard this message.
AS for hearing from God, I posted on this very topic a few days ago. It's called "Do you Hear w/ a Teaspoon or a Gallon jUg?"
Hang in there Prayers 4u.

Anne said...

Hi Shelley,

My name is Anne and I live in Campbellton NB. I wanted to tell you I appreciate what you wrote here. Kate was a special friend to me personnally and to our small group of whole hearted christian here in Campbellton. I am not sure if she ever mentionned me, she spend christmas with us this year. We were quite shock to see her in the newspaper, since we hadn't heard anything about the tragedy. We only found out after the funeral. In what you wrote you mentionned (I don't know if that makes any sense...)This makes perfect sense for a true disciple and this is the way Kate had it and I also have it this way. Their was a cry in her heart to become like her master, that included being obedient to the word of God no matter what the cost. Kate mentionned to us that she had some friends who longed for fellowship and that she would like us to meet sometime. Would it be possible to keep in contact? Here is my e-mail address: