Take two: ok, I had two bigish paragraphs written and deleted them. My mind is going around in circles I guess and I can't seem to come out with a straight line of thought. It's like every time I try to put words to what I have been thinking, it doesn't work and it comes out jumbled or not sounding 'right' or even make any sense.
I do feel that the Lord is drawing me closer to Him throughout all of this; not just to comfort me, but to urge me on with my walk with Him. I have been in a bit of a slump for a little while with my walk, and felt a little distanced from God. It has not been anything He has done - the fault lies with me for pulling away at times, and it has been harder and harder to get back into the kind of relationship I want to have with Him; to experience the closeness I once felt, the fire I had at the beginning, the passion to do for the Lord.
Maybe the Lord is using this tragic situation to speak to me, to remind me how precious our lives are and how little time we are on this earth. For some that time is less than it is for others. We just never know when He will call us home. To be honest, that is scaring me a little over these last few days.
I guess I am feeling afraid - afraid of having unfinished business here on earth; of not having done all for the Lord that I could have. Now, I know that it is not works that gets us into heaven, but only through the faith and acceptance of Jesus Christ as our Lord and Saviour. However, we are to be like Jesus and that includes being a servant to the Lord - Jesus was a servant (He said He came to serve not to be served), and so we should be too. I know I have not lived up to my part of the deal (if you want to call it that). I know I have not obeyed Him as much as I should, and maybe even "pretending" not to hear Him...you know, like if you don't hear what He wants you to do you won't have to do it, right? Or maybe if I avoid talking to Him in prayer He won't tell me to do something that I am uncomfortable doing (as in stepping out of my box)...I don't even know if this is making any sense or not right now.
Don't get me wrong. I want to serve the Lord and be obedient, to be Jesus to others - but I fail at this...sometimes a lot. I am not perfect. But I know that when I ask Jesus to forgive me for this disobedience that He does forgive me; I also know that I need to be obedient - more obedient!
My witnessing also lacks greatly. To be honest, to talk face to face with people about Jesus (that is to those who don't know Him) scares me because I am afraid that I won't be able to answer their questions, or that I'll mess up in my words and not make sense or not have some sort of "come back" (for lack of a better word) against the other person's arguments. I am not ashamed of Jesus - I am afraid that I will mess up.
I know that I am supposed to be a witness to Jesus, to go into the world and proclaim the Good News of Jesus Christ. Yes, I can do it on the internet through my blog or in a chat room or what have you...but there is something about witnessing face to face. That scares the heck out of me and I don't think it should. So, since it causes fear, that is not from God...it's from Satan who is attempting to keep me from telling others about Jesus...and it seems to have worked (with face to face situations that is).
So, I feel like God is using this whole time of mourning to call me closer to Him and remind me that I need to be obedient. I need to witness. I need to be a servant. But I don't know what to do or where to start...I don't even know if I am making sense with this in my thoughts.
I don't want to stand before Him one day and be one of the goats who did not feed Him when He was hungry, or give Him a drink when He was thirsty, or clothe Him, etc. I want to hear Him say, "Well done good and faithful servant."