Today, I feel odd.
My mind is racing, somewhat. My thoughts are jumbled, and I can't quite place that odd feeling I am experiencing.
Yesterday, I fasted. I don't know if I did it "right" or if I even really completed it fully. My fast lasted about 13 hours and I think going into it I knew what my decision would be - somewhat. My decision will be affected by the summer, and hopefully I will know more by then.
But, I feel as though I'm taking the "safe" way out rather than truly relying on God. And, maybe this is the outcome God wants for me. Maybe I need to fast again and be a little more prayerful during that time. And, maybe I am being attacked by the enemy to doubt my decision and question whether I truly am following God's lead.
My racing mind and jumbled thoughts aren't based on yesterday. I'm fairly certain of that.
I have been reading Kisses From Katie on my Kindle these last few days. What an amazing woman! She totally relies on the Lord to get her through the days, weeks, months - to help her do what He has called her to do. She obeyed the Lord's calling, following His lead to Uganda, where He has blessed her and the people in the village to whom she ministers.
I compare myself, my life, to Katie's. I know we should not do that, but I can't help it. I think this is where the jumbled thoughts and racing mind are coming from.
While I don't feel called to be a missionary, I do know that I need to follow Jesus more - rely on Him to help me, get me through good times and bad, and just trust Him. I must admit that I lack in this area. It's certainly something I need to work on - or rather, let Him work on in me.
I think reading this book coupled with what I've been praying and fasting about has caused me to examine my own life, my own thoughts and desires. What is it that God has planned for my life? What is my calling? Am I doing what He has called me to do (I do believe that I am, I just might not be pulling it off as well as I could be, or should be)? What about the desires I've had forever - the ones that are closest to my heart? How do I know if those will come to be (or not)? How do I go about fulfilling those desires? Do those desires and my calling conflict, and if so, what is the right choice to make?
I certainly don't want to make one choice and be left wondering for the rest of my life if it was the right one to make. I think I could have both, but with that there would be give and take involved - and not just on my part. And that offers more confusion to my thought process.
I know that God is in control. He already has my life mapped out - what I will do, where I will go, etc. I just need to learn to trust Him more, and rely on Him.
I doubt myself. I doubt that I hear what the Lord is saying to me - or if He is/has answered my prayer and I'm left wondering if this is all from Him, or from my own decisions. How can I continue to serve Him to the best of my abilities and trust that His ways are the best - even if I don't get the answer I want to my desires.
That takes faith. That takes trust. And, that is certainly something He will have to give me, because on my own merits, I will fail at this.
Lord, You are in control. Help me to have faith and to trust that I am following your lead and not my own.