Thursday, September 09, 2010

First Day of School and Other Stuff

This past Tuesday was the first day of school for the kids in our province. For me,  however, the first day was yesterday.  For a few days I was feeling nervous about going back - probably because of not having to teach over the summer. But, when I got into the class, there was no nervousness or anything. The class I was teaching was one that I had supplied in the previous spring when the kids were in the previous grade. They are a good bunch of kids, and I had no problems with them at all. I even had one little girl come up to me and say, "Ms. S., hi! It's so good to see you again!" Even though it had been about five or six months since she'd seen me, and even though it was once, she remembered me. That felt good.

I was rather tired when I got home after school. I hadn't had a lot of sleep the night before (it took me awhile to get to sleep, but once I did, I didn't wake up until the alarm went off), and I've also been having a hard time sleeping the last few weeks. Also, not being used to working for a few months (I didn't work over the summer at all), and being on my feet all day, more than likely contributed to the tiredness as well.  Last night was a little bit of a struggle to get to sleep again, but I don't think I woke up until the alarm went off again this morning. I think I might have managed about five to five and a half hours of sleep. I'm a little tired as I sit here writing this as well...I think I'll  need another cup of coffe this morning!

* * * * *

I've been giving thought, lately, to spiritual attacks again. I have to wonder if some of the problems or situations we face and "blame" on the enemy are really caused by him. I know there are some things that are the result of his attacks (or his minions), but some things are our own creation or consequences to our actions. I guess I've been trying to figure out how to determine if something is because of us (and we put the blame on the enemy because that's what we've been taught to do, or we don't want to take the blame ourselves), or if it's an actual spiritual attack. I'm not talking about the obvious attacks because we are doing God's work and the enemy is doing what he can to stop it. I'm talking about the more subtle things - doubting we can be used by God, feeling like we aren't good enough, fear..and the list goes on.

I've been feeling weary for a long time. I know - or at least I've been told - that when it feels like God isn't doing something or working in our lives, or we aren't getting our prayers answered, not to give up, not to stop doing what we've been doing...that we should keep on "trucking along" until God tells us otherwise.  But quite honestly, I've really been feeling inadequate in so many areas of my life; I've been feeling like I'm not good enough, or just not good at something that I've been told for so long that I am good at (I guess more like self-doubt)...it's hard to explain. I feel like I've lost the fire, like I've lost my passion for so much...and I can't get out of it. It's like I'm stuck in a deep pit and can't get out.

And, quite honestly, I'm sick of the pat Christian/Biblical answers...the "oh, I'll pray for you" or "trust God" or whatever they happen to be. They don't help; they don't make me feel better, and those answers typically make me feel that the person saying them really doesn't give a rat's.....well, you know. It feels like the ones saying those things just want to sound pious or they only want to hear "I'm fine" when they ask how you are...they don't really want to know, nor do they really care. 

Sure, there are some who do care, some who are well meaning, but it seems from my experience that those people are few and far between. So many are concerned with looking and sounding Christian, that if you tell them you are struggling or doubting or fearing, or whatever, they think you are less of a Christian and act shocked that things aren't all "peachy keen" - especially if things are going well for them.

I'm just so frustrated, and have been for a long time. I feel like I'm floating in water with a heavy weight on top of my head and it's pushing me under. And while I flounder around and silently scream for help...those in the distance who are watching are more concerned with looking and sounding good, they don't want to get their feet wet to help. No, they'll stand on the shore and pray for me or tell me not to worry about drowning because God is with me and He'll help me.

Yeah, I know part of the problem is me...I don't always ask for help. That's because I've been burned and hurt so much in the past that I've pretty much lost trust in most people. I do have one friend I trust, and she knows a lot of what I've been feeling, etc., and I have another relatively new friend I've been able to build trust with, but that's about it (and of course the pat Christian/Bible answer for this is "oh, but you can trust Jesus".... I'm really sick and tired of getting hurt, feeling like people just don't care, and of feeling like I can't let others "in" because they'll probably hurt me in the end anyway.

I'm not losing my faith in God, I'm not doubting anything about Jesus...nothing like that. I'm just venting, I guess. Maybe I'm a little depressed too. Whatever it is, I'm really sick of feeling this way. I want the fire back; I want the passion back; I want to be able to trust...but, I'm struggling with the weight on my head, floundering in the water, and wondering why I just can't walk on the water and not be afraid.

That's it. Venting over. Off to try and be positive and not think these negative thoughts.

4 comments:

Michael Perkins said...

Venting is good. Helps clear our minds and hearts...

Shelley said...

Thanks Michael!

Jennifer said...

My mom's a teacher too! I loved the part about the little girl who remembered you. Mom still gets letters from students she had years ago. I know that's special to her too.

Shelley said...

Jennifer, I'm just a new teacher (though I'm old, lol)...just started teaching last November. I'm looking forward to the day when I'll have student who grow up and say they remember me as their teacher, someone who encouraged them, etc.