I am definitely not in a place I would have thought or expected I would be when I was a teenager. I had wanted to be a best selling author, married by 25 to an awesome man, have a two to four kids, have my own house, making a good living...you name it. I had it all planned out.
But, here I sit and none of those dreams have been realized. None. I haven't been published because I haven't even finished any of the novels I have worked on since then. Ok, well, that's not entirely true...I did get a very short story published in an anthology (I don't think it was widely sold, and I most certainly didn't get paid for it...I had hoped it would give me exposure though). I'm not married, have no kids, and I feel like my time for that is running out quickly. I live in a house, but it's not mine - it's my mom's. Yes, I admit it, I am 41 years old and back to living with my mom. That's because I quit my job eight years ago to go back to school to get my B.A. and eventually my B.Ed. So, I'm not in any position to be out on my own. Don't get me wrong, I've very thankful I have a place to live, food to eat, etc.
I've been blaming God for things not going as I had planned; I wonder why He's not allowed me a husband, or children, or a job (yes, I do have somewhat of a job - I supply teach, but I don't get a lot of work). Even though I feel like such a loser because of my current situation, deep down I know God has a plan. I have no idea what that plan is, but He does have one.
My prayer is that I would put my focus more on God and pleasing Him, instead of focusing on me and what I want. This is difficult for me (as I'm sure it is for anyone). I see everyone around me getting married, having babies (and this situation is for those in Christian relationships and those not in Christian relationships). It hurts me to the core. All I've ever wanted since I was little was to be married and have kids - and that hasn't happened and doesn't look like it is going to happen any time soon.
I know it's going to be hard to do, but I'm going to try to put my focus on God, on following Him, obeying Him, being more like Jesus than I have been lately. I certainly haven't been feeling the passion I once had, so I'm also praying that the Lord will reignite the passion and flame for being obedient, following Him, being more like Jesus, etc.
God has a plan for me and my life, but I need to seek Him and follow Him in order to fulfil it. And, in all honesty, I do hope this plan includes a husband and children...and that I get those soon (hey, I'm human and still have my desires, and I would be lying if I didn't say that I won't still hope and pray for those things).