I'm Tired

I'm tired.

A few times I've been exhausted.

I think things are starting to catch up with me.  These feelings come with the territory, though.  But that doesn't make it any easier.

Taking care of an ageing parent is no easy task - especially when you can't leave that parent alone.

Mostly I have been fine, but the last few days I have felt the exhaustion creeping in.  I felt like crying for no reason, and I just wanted to curl into a ball and sleep.  We have caregivers come in three times a week for three hours each time, but during those times I don't get any rest.  I'm usually running around paying bills, getting groceries and doing errands.  During the night, I do sleep, but there are times when I need to get up to help my mom so I'm not fully resting - at least not always, because I'm probably, in the back of my mind, listening for if my mom calls me to help.  I do get a little rest during the day, though, when my mom is taking a nap after lunch.  Still, I'm starting to get that overwhelmed feeling, that feeling of cabin fever (because I can't just get up and go or leave the house whenever I want).

Don't get me wrong, I'm happy to help my mom, to be here for her.  But I could really use some extra help, someone to come stay with her for a weekend or two or three days during the week so I can have a little break and get some rest and relaxation.

I know, at this time and always, I need to rest in the Lord.  I need to give him my load and take His yoke (which is light).  It's not always easy to do or remember to do.  I need to make the conscious decision to do this.  I can't do any of this without His help.  Right now, I just wish I had a Bible study group that I could go to. I can't even get out to go to church (though I do watch In Touch on TV on Sundays).  I'm not complaining; I'm just stating things how they currently are.

I'm OK, though. Honestly.  I just needed to vent a little and have no other outlet at the moment.  My fiance is awesome and talks me through things, gives me the reminders I need, and supports me.  He is such a blessing, and I am very thankful he is in my life.  I don't think I could do this without his help. I love him him to pieces.

Well, I must go now as I have to finish getting supper ready.  Hope you have a fantastic day!

P.S. Prayers are always welcome!!

Complicated

My life has become more complicated lately.  I still don't want to go into too many details, but I will say that I am staying with my mom again.

I know the next several months will be stressful.  I never thought I'd be in this position. I never really thought this "day" would come.  But, it's here and I must deal with it.

Today was a little harder, and there was a moment when I thought, "What have I gotten myself into? I don't know if I can do this."  Then I remembered to pray.

Honestly, I think that is what helped me throughout the day.  The prayer for strength, patience, and peace. I'm praying for Mom too, because I know this is a stressful for her as well (maybe not so much now, but there is some for sure).

I know I'm doing the right thing. But sometimes I get scared.

Scared of being overwhelmed with the situation.

Scared of not being able to handle things.

Scared of the changes that are going to take place.

The Bible tells me to trust in the Lord, and I do.  I know He's got this whole thing in His hand and is in control.  I know He will give me the strength I need to deal with all of this.  I know He can, and will, comfort me.  I just need to remember that and turn to Him during all of this.

It's not going to be easy by any stretch of the imagination, but I can do this - "I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me."

I'm Not In Control

There has been so much happening in my life since the beginning of 2015.  In some ways it doesn't seem like a lot, but in other ways it does.

Recently my brothers and I have been dealing with my mom being in the hospital.  That in itself is a lot to deal with.  I've been travelling back and forth every weekend (there have been a couple that I've not gone, though) to be with Mom.  The drive is nearly three hours each way.  I don't mind the drive, but it does get tiring.  I don't really want to get into much detail on here of my mom's situation.

Anyway, there have been times lately (particularly this past week), where I don't know what direction God has in store for me.  I really don't know if I'm on the right path or if I have ventured off and am trying to go down another way that I shouldn't be on (or be on right now).  I've been praying about all of this and trying to leave it in God's hands, because He, after all, is the one who is in control.  It's not always easy, and there are times when I feel as though I have left it with Him.  Other times I definitely know I've taken things back and I'm the one trying to be in control.

Mostly I'm OK, but there are times when I feel overwhelmed with the current situation, or I feel like I'm such a failure at things.  It's probably at these times when the enemy is trying to have his way and get me to not focus on the Lord or trust Him.

At any rate, I'm doing fine, but just need to often readjust my focus and remember that I'm not in control.  Most days are good, but I do have times where I feel defeated and lost.  No one said that life would be easy.  I mean, things aren't that bad. I am feeling tired and I just wish I had a little more direction or knew exactly what I am supposed to do.

Anyway, I'm just rambling on - probably because I'm tired.  I just need to pray more and trust God more.  It's not easy, but I know I can do it!

Lots Going On Lately

There has been a lot going on in my life lately.  Some of it is related to me, my own journey, and some of it is related to one of my family members.  None of this is easy, but then we were never promised an easy life.

At times, the situation with my family member doesn't seem real.  Maybe because it's just early on in the situation and the progression hasn't begun.  I don't want to say too much about this right now, but things will definitely get more difficult as time goes by, and I hope and pray I have the strength to get through all of it.  On my own, I don't have that strength; but the Lord does and He is the only one who can give me what I will need to get through everything.

I am doing my best to lean on Jesus, to give Him my burdens (like the Bible tells us to do), but I don't always do that. I am doing it more and more each day (and more than I have in the past), but I'm not to the point where I automatically give my burdens to Him - or leave them with Him. I still find myself taking them back and trying to fix things, or take care of things myself.  And that doesn't work, because I'm not the one in control.

God, however, is in control and whatever may happen (and whenever it will be), He's got me covered.  He'll get me through all of this and never leave my side.  For that I am truly thankful.

We're Just Starting On This Journey

My life is changing.  I'm in the midst of learning that my actions and decisions now no longer concern or affect only me.  There are other people involved in my life who need my attention - my fiancé and his son.

I am slowly learning that the three of us are growing into a family, and that my family no longer consists only of my parents, my brothers (and their families) and me.  My family now includes S and J.  Starting next July, after S and I are married, when I talk about my family, chances are I'll be referring to just the three of us.  I think that reference might take some getting used to.

It's difficult moving from a selfish lifestyle - one where I did what I wanted to, went where I wanted to, bought what I wanted to, because there was only me to consider - to one in which I need to take others thoughts and feelings into consideration.  Instead of asking, "What's best for me?" I need to be asking, "What's best for us?"

I want to do things that will show my new family that I love them.  Sure, I can say it, but as "they" say, actions speak louder than words.  I don't know what my fiancés love language is.  I've done mine (words of affirmation and touch tied for first, and gifts was a very close second) and shared it with him.  I've asked him if he would take the quiz and let me know what his are, but, he's told me he doesn't believe in "doing marriage" according to what a book says - or something like that (I forget the exact words he used), and  I haven't pushed the issue.

I know marriages aren't perfect, and there is no single piece of information, no book, no advice that will make it that way.  Marriage is a give and take.  Both husband and wife need to give 100% to the marriage in order to make it work.  I think that problems occur when one or both don't give 100%, or when one person feels like they are contributing more to the relationship than the other - or they perceive it to be that way.

It will take time to discover each other, to discover what works or doesn't work, and in putting my new family's needs and wants ahead of my own.  We're just starting on this journey that will have bumps along the way, and I know that in the middle of our relationship needs to be the One whom we rely on. The One who will lead us. The One who will guide us. The One from whom all blessings flow.  Jesus Christ.

With Christ in the middle of our relationship, we can overcome the difficulties and hardships together.  But that takes trust, and that is something I need to work on.

I'm looking forward to spending the rest of my life with my fiancé.  And I'm looking forward to our relationship being the type of relationship God wants from us - one spent serving Him.

A Conversation With The Building Manager

This morning I had to go see the manager of my apartment building (unfortunately I wrote the wrong date on my rent cheque and had to bring her a replacement).  She invited me in for a few minutes, which turned into an hour.

        This is a woman who likes to talk, and while there are times you can’t shut me up, there are also times when I’m not really in the mood to hold a conversation with people.  I had hoped this would be a quick visit – I’d drop my cheque off, get the receipt, make a bit of casual conversation, and then leave.  It didn’t turn out that way.

        The building manager (I’ll call her P) proceeded to tell me how she had hurt her knee and arm recently, and I mentioned about my sciatica bothering me over the Christmas break.  This then led to a discussion on how she (and her husband) ended up coming back to manage this apartment building (and another one or two). 

        During the time I had mentioned about my sciatica, I had told her about being in Australia a few years ago and having done something to cause it to flare up.  Our conversation then turned to her mentioning a cousin from Australia that she was going to be meeting for the first time in May, and how she had discovered this cousin.

        For the rest of the time I was there (the conversation about our injuries might have taken about five minutes), we discussed genealogy.  I have been interested in genealogy (researching your family tree) since I was about 16. 

        P told me about all the research she had done (she is legitimately related to royalty, and both Princess Di and Camilla, and has aristocracy in her roots as well), especially after being in contact with a distant relative from Australia (a different cousin).  She’s done loads of research, contacted various archives from different countries, been put into contact with people who could help, and has been given lots of information from others.  It sure sounded like she has done extensive research!  She also told me that she helps other people with research and she’d be willing to help me (or point me in the right direction) if I wanted it.  I’m not totally sure, but I would think she’d charge a fee for her research services.

        P and I discussed how important it is to remember our past – who and where we came from – and the details.  She had told me how her mother had always wanted to write a book about her life story (and from what I was told, it would definitely be an interesting read), and now P is thinking about writing it – or some about her mother, but more so about her grandmother or great-grandmother.

        P mentioned that she has been trying to write things down in the evenings (stories and research), but she finds that she gets tired very easily and ends up not accomplishing much.  She wants to record everything for her children and grandchildren, and thought making a book out of all her information would probably be wise.  I suggested that maybe she could record things on one of those little hand held tape recorders and then when she’s not feeling tired or has the time, she could then transcribe it, or have someone do it for her.  She said she hadn’t thought about that, but it was a great idea and she might just try it.

        Since talking with P a couple of hours ago, I have also been thinking about doing more research on my own family tree.  I have a lot, but it’s all back home in New Brunswick.  My ancestors don’t have an exciting background, or as interesting stories as the ones P told me about her relatives, but that doesn’t matter.  Just because one of my ancestors was the first shoemaker on Prince Edward Island and not a duke or lord, doesn’t make him any less significant. Everyone is important; every story is important, and I want to have a record of them.

        The Bible does say in Titus to “…avoid foolish controversies and genealogies…” (3:9), but I don’t think it’s meaning that we shouldn’t be involved in working on our family tree (after all, Jesus’ own genealogy is recorded in the New Testament twice).  I think this verse is dealing with deception.  My study Bible has a cross-reference to 2 Timothy 3:13 which talks about evil men and impostors deceiving people.  So, maybe these men, the impostors, were showing genealogies to try and make people think they were important, or someone they were not.  So, I don’t think it goes against Scripture when you do your family tree.

        Anyway, I think it’s important to record information (names, dates) and stories about ourselves, our ancestors, and family members, for future generations.  Unfortunately, I don’t have any kids of my own (which makes me sad, but that’s another story), but I do have a nephew.  I do have cousins who have children.  And one day, one (or more) of them may have an interest and would like to read about their family history.

        Right now, I’m in the mood to work on my family tree.  I sure wish I had my information here now.  Oh well, it will probably have to wait until the summer.  I’ll have to look for it when I go back as I’m not sure where it got placed – especially the computer program I had used to record the bulk of my information!  I just hope it hasn’t been lost.  I’d hate to have to start from scratch again.

Rocking Chairs, Baby Dolls, and Mother's Day

When I was little, I used to have this one particular doll. Her body was sort of a cylinder shape with soft arms and soft legs sticking out. Her neck and the middle of her body had sand or something similar in it so that she would gradually fall over if she was sitting up. The eyes in her soft plastic head closed. When she would "fall" over, her eyes would close and she would "go to sleep". She wasn't a particular favourite, but I liked the fact that she could close her eyes, and she was small - like a little baby.

Also, ever since I was little I have loved rocking chairs. My mom used to rock me (and my brothers) to sleep. Even to this day, I will choose to sit in a rocking chair if there is one available. I find them to be very relaxing. I heart rocking chairs.

One of the"rituals" I had when I was little, was to get ready for bed at least an hour before I would actually go to bed, sit in my rocking chair (to help me relax and get sleepy), put my little blanket over my lap, and cradle my doll as if she were my baby. Since her eyes closed, it seemed more like I was rocking her to sleep. It was like she was my baby, and I was her mother.

Today is Mother's Day. I have always found this to be difficult - well, for at least twenty years anyway. I'm more than happy, on this day, to celebrate all that my mom is, because she is AWESOME...but, it's bittersweet for me.

I have no kids (other than a 4 legged furry baby). I'm 42 years old and I'm not married, and I have no kids. Ever since I can remember, I have wanted to be a wife and mother. It's been a huge desire, probably all my life. And it hasn't happened. Will it? I have no idea. And, it hurts when people try to tell me that it will happen one day - in all honesty, unless they are God, they don't.

Usually this doesn't bother me a lot.  I try to deal with it, and not let it affect me, but there are other times when it hurts to the very core of my being - like Mother's Day. Like I said, it's not something that bothers me all the time; usually there is something that triggers the pain - someone getting engaged or married, especially if these are people I've watched grow up and are years younger than me; or someone having a baby (doesn't matter if it's a first or sixth baby). And that can be difficult to deal with - and accept.

So, as I hold back my pain and hurt (because, really, it's not about me), and try to turn it over to God, I would like to wish all the awesome mother's out there a very blessed and happy Mother's Day!

It's Sunday

I had a nice relaxing afternoon with my best friend and her nearly nine year old daughter today. We used to get together pretty well every Sunday after church, but since I've been home from Korea - especially since I started back to school in the fall - we haven't been able to hang out too often. It's because of the amount of school work I have, and I generally need my Sunday afternoons to work on presentations or critiques or other various pieces of homework related stuff.

It was a really nice day today, weather wise. It was supposed to go up to around +7C or +9C, but I don't know what if it did or not. It was definitely mild and sunny, though. It's also supposed to go down colder tonight, so I would expect some slippery roads in the morning. Maybe I'll luck out and they'll cancel school tomorrow, but I doubt it; they never cancel unless its extremely bad and they've pulled busses off the roads.

We had a nice surprise this weekend. My younger brother, his significant other, and their son came up yesterday and stopped in. We didn't know they'd be here, and my brother said they had only decided that morning to make the trip up since the weather was cooperating for once. We haven't seen them since Dad's funeral in August, so it was a nice surprise.

Well, I'm going to head off and make a phone call and hopefully get to some knitting or reading before bed. Have a Christ-filled day!