Depression Sucks

Depression, in plain, simple term, sucks.

I might not know all there is to know about this topic, but I do know how it feels.  As near as I can figure, I've dealt with it for 25 years.

I've never really talked about it with others (only my fiance, best friend, and maybe a couple of other friends are aware of my depression). I don't even think that anyone in my family knows or knew I suffer with this illness.  I'm one of those people who never liked to talk about it because of the fear of being judged, or told I was crazy, etc.  I remember one particular time when I was feeling this way and being told be a few co-worker/friends to "snap out of it" or "get over it."  That certainly made me realize that this was something I had to learn to suppress around others (or make up some excuse like I wasn't feeling good or I had a headache) or avoid them when I felt this way.

In the late 90s I was on medication for about a year, maybe less, but I stopped taking it because I couldn't afford it at the time (I had no drug plan through my job).  For the most part, I haven't been on any medications for my depression.

There have been long stretches of time where I haven't felt the effects of depression, where it lay dormant, and I've felt fine - happy, even.  But it always let me know it was still around.  Sometimes it would rear its ugly head for a short while, other times it stretched on for long periods of time.

Since February of last year, I have been taking an anti-depressant.  It has helped me greatly.  However, with all that has been going on in my life over the last year, and more specifically in the last few months, I haven't been taking my medication. In fact, I have to get a prescription renewed because I let it run out.  With the financial strain I'm under now (and for the past several months), I figured I wouldn't be able to afford the cost (again, no drug plan due to being unemployed) for the medication each month.  I'm finding out, though, that I need to get this refilled.  We will have to make sure that this is something I get.

I'm so very thankful that my fiance is understanding and knows what I'm going through. He's very supportive and knows how important it is for me to be on this medication.  He says we will make this a priority and that I get my anti-depressant each month.

Like others who deal with depression and anxiety (though to be honest, I don't know if I have anxiety), I am tired of the stigma. I'm tired of the judging. I'm tired of having to pretend that I'm OK when I'm not. I'm tired of all the negativity people with mental illness receive from those who have no flippin' idea what it's like to go through any of this!

Depression sucks, and those who suffer from it need the support of others.  If you don't have this mental illness, learn what you can about it and be there for your friends and family who do have it.  It makes all the difference in the world to have support and encouragement from others.

Depression is not something that we can "shake off" or "get over." It's a mental health issue and it needs to be brought out into the open, safely, and not stigmatized. It's real, and it sucks.

Where To Begin...

In my last post (last fall), I talked about taking care of my mom and how tired I was.  That was all true.  I was able to take Mom to Halifax with me for a few days at a time. Because of the side effects of the cancer drug she was on, she didn't like to go away from the house too long. She did great though.  She didn't like sitting in the car for nearly three hours (each way) because her butt - more specifically the tail bone area, was sore due to her losing so much weight.  She managed, though, and seemed to enjoy the drive despite being a little uncomfortable. We would take a little break along the way and stop so she could get out of the car for a bit, though.

One one such trip, around the middle or towards the end of October, my mom was quite weak on the day were were heading back home.  She had called me into the bathroom to help her get up, and if I hadn't been there she would have fallen.  She said she could barely keep her head up as well.  That was likely because by this time she wasn't eating very much at all.

I talked to my brother, briefly, and we decided it would be a good idea for me to stop at the hospital once we got back to mom's (we stopped before heading to the house, actually) to have them check her out and maybe give her an IV to get some nutrients into her.  So, I took her there and they admitted her.  That was just as stressful and tiring for me as I would go stay with her at the hospital everyday for most of the day (I did take a couple of weekends off, though, and went back to Halifax for some rest).

She stayed there until she passed away eleven days before Christmas.

It's been a struggle some days for me since then.  Of course I miss my mom like crazy, and life just doesn't seem the same.  I miss not being able to call her or visit her.  Several times I have seen or heard something and think, "I should call Mom and tell her that!"

And then I get sad, because I can't do that anymore.

My fiance has been great through all of this.  He has been so supportive and strong.  I am starting a new chapter in my life now, with him, and that's what I need to focus on (we are getting married this summer).  I will always have my memories of my mom, and she will always be in my heart, but now I need to focus on this chapter and my loving fiance, and create new memories with him.

I love and miss you Mama!

I'm Tired

I'm tired.

A few times I've been exhausted.

I think things are starting to catch up with me.  These feelings come with the territory, though.  But that doesn't make it any easier.

Taking care of an ageing parent is no easy task - especially when you can't leave that parent alone.

Mostly I have been fine, but the last few days I have felt the exhaustion creeping in.  I felt like crying for no reason, and I just wanted to curl into a ball and sleep.  We have caregivers come in three times a week for three hours each time, but during those times I don't get any rest.  I'm usually running around paying bills, getting groceries and doing errands.  During the night, I do sleep, but there are times when I need to get up to help my mom so I'm not fully resting - at least not always, because I'm probably, in the back of my mind, listening for if my mom calls me to help.  I do get a little rest during the day, though, when my mom is taking a nap after lunch.  Still, I'm starting to get that overwhelmed feeling, that feeling of cabin fever (because I can't just get up and go or leave the house whenever I want).

Don't get me wrong, I'm happy to help my mom, to be here for her.  But I could really use some extra help, someone to come stay with her for a weekend or two or three days during the week so I can have a little break and get some rest and relaxation.

I know, at this time and always, I need to rest in the Lord.  I need to give him my load and take His yoke (which is light).  It's not always easy to do or remember to do.  I need to make the conscious decision to do this.  I can't do any of this without His help.  Right now, I just wish I had a Bible study group that I could go to. I can't even get out to go to church (though I do watch In Touch on TV on Sundays).  I'm not complaining; I'm just stating things how they currently are.

I'm OK, though. Honestly.  I just needed to vent a little and have no other outlet at the moment.  My fiance is awesome and talks me through things, gives me the reminders I need, and supports me.  He is such a blessing, and I am very thankful he is in my life.  I don't think I could do this without his help. I love him him to pieces.

Well, I must go now as I have to finish getting supper ready.  Hope you have a fantastic day!

P.S. Prayers are always welcome!!

Faced With Another Decision

Once again, I am faced with a decision to make.  I feel torn between this choice and the choice of being with my mother.

I have been praying about this decision, this choice, and I must say that after discussing it with my fiancé and the prayer, I am leaning toward this choice.  I have prayed and asked for wisdom and to know without a shadow beyond a doubt (due to my mom's situation), that this is the right choice to make.  I'm looking toward my future.

Yes, I have fear and nervousness regarding this.  But I am learning to trust the Lord over and over again, and this situation is no different from others in the past.

I am going to take the first step in this.  I will never know if this is my path or not if I don't at least try.  There are only three possible outcomes - yes, no, and later.  I will have one of these answers regarding this situation, and regardless of the outcome, God is in control and will continue to take care of me and provide for me.

I will say that after praying about this, I have had a great excitement - something I haven't had in this situation in a long time.  This has surprised me somewhat as I thought I had lost the excitement a year or so ago.  Maybe the little 'break' I've been on has been what I needed to rekindle a passion, to jump start a calling.

We will see what comes of the situation. I will continue to pray and ask that if you are reading this you will pray for me as well. Pray that I make the right decision, pray that everything will work out, pray for wisdom and guidance, and that I will glorify the Lord and be obedient to His calling.

Complicated

My life has become more complicated lately.  I still don't want to go into too many details, but I will say that I am staying with my mom again.

I know the next several months will be stressful.  I never thought I'd be in this position. I never really thought this "day" would come.  But, it's here and I must deal with it.

Today was a little harder, and there was a moment when I thought, "What have I gotten myself into? I don't know if I can do this."  Then I remembered to pray.

Honestly, I think that is what helped me throughout the day.  The prayer for strength, patience, and peace. I'm praying for Mom too, because I know this is a stressful for her as well (maybe not so much now, but there is some for sure).

I know I'm doing the right thing. But sometimes I get scared.

Scared of being overwhelmed with the situation.

Scared of not being able to handle things.

Scared of the changes that are going to take place.

The Bible tells me to trust in the Lord, and I do.  I know He's got this whole thing in His hand and is in control.  I know He will give me the strength I need to deal with all of this.  I know He can, and will, comfort me.  I just need to remember that and turn to Him during all of this.

It's not going to be easy by any stretch of the imagination, but I can do this - "I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me."

I'm Not In Control

There has been so much happening in my life since the beginning of 2015.  In some ways it doesn't seem like a lot, but in other ways it does.

Recently my brothers and I have been dealing with my mom being in the hospital.  That in itself is a lot to deal with.  I've been travelling back and forth every weekend (there have been a couple that I've not gone, though) to be with Mom.  The drive is nearly three hours each way.  I don't mind the drive, but it does get tiring.  I don't really want to get into much detail on here of my mom's situation.

Anyway, there have been times lately (particularly this past week), where I don't know what direction God has in store for me.  I really don't know if I'm on the right path or if I have ventured off and am trying to go down another way that I shouldn't be on (or be on right now).  I've been praying about all of this and trying to leave it in God's hands, because He, after all, is the one who is in control.  It's not always easy, and there are times when I feel as though I have left it with Him.  Other times I definitely know I've taken things back and I'm the one trying to be in control.

Mostly I'm OK, but there are times when I feel overwhelmed with the current situation, or I feel like I'm such a failure at things.  It's probably at these times when the enemy is trying to have his way and get me to not focus on the Lord or trust Him.

At any rate, I'm doing fine, but just need to often readjust my focus and remember that I'm not in control.  Most days are good, but I do have times where I feel defeated and lost.  No one said that life would be easy.  I mean, things aren't that bad. I am feeling tired and I just wish I had a little more direction or knew exactly what I am supposed to do.

Anyway, I'm just rambling on - probably because I'm tired.  I just need to pray more and trust God more.  It's not easy, but I know I can do it!

Lots Going On Lately

There has been a lot going on in my life lately.  Some of it is related to me, my own journey, and some of it is related to one of my family members.  None of this is easy, but then we were never promised an easy life.

At times, the situation with my family member doesn't seem real.  Maybe because it's just early on in the situation and the progression hasn't begun.  I don't want to say too much about this right now, but things will definitely get more difficult as time goes by, and I hope and pray I have the strength to get through all of it.  On my own, I don't have that strength; but the Lord does and He is the only one who can give me what I will need to get through everything.

I am doing my best to lean on Jesus, to give Him my burdens (like the Bible tells us to do), but I don't always do that. I am doing it more and more each day (and more than I have in the past), but I'm not to the point where I automatically give my burdens to Him - or leave them with Him. I still find myself taking them back and trying to fix things, or take care of things myself.  And that doesn't work, because I'm not the one in control.

God, however, is in control and whatever may happen (and whenever it will be), He's got me covered.  He'll get me through all of this and never leave my side.  For that I am truly thankful.

Slowly Getting Settled

I'm slowly getting settled in here.  It still doesn't seem like I'm living in a new location - only feels like I'm just visiting or something.  I hope that once I get a full-time job and make friends and go places with friends, then maybe it will feel like home.

Church is difficult in some ways. I go with my fiance (and his son who plays in the worship band) and sit with him.  A lot of the time we sit with friends of his, a couple who are about ten years older than us.  They are great.  My fiance has also introduced me to some others in the church (mostly this was in the summer when I was here and I don't remember who they were or what they looked like), but no one, aside from the couple that we sit with, has ever come up to me to find out who I am or invite me to coffee or to join a small group, etc.

The church (not just the one I'm attending, but many) talks about bringing in new people, creating disciples, and that's great.  But what about the newcomers who are already disciples? Don't we count?  Aren't we worth getting to know and befriending?  I think it's important that when new people come to the church, the body should be making them feel welcomed and connected.  I don't find that happening much - at least with me.  The two previous churches prior to the one I am now attending was also the same way. And it wasn't just me who experienced it.  My best friend and her daughter had the same thing happen to them at those other two churches.

I do know there are some newcomers at my current church who have been made to feel welcome, who have been invited for coffee and to join a small group. So why has no one done this to/for me?  Is it because the majority of the people attending this church are in their 20s and I'm in my mid 40s?  Do they think I'm too old to be friends with?  I do know there are some others in the congregation who are closer to my age, but none of them have approached me either.

I'm a shy introvert.  It's hard for me to make friends.  I find it very difficult to approach people and make small talk, get phone numbers, call them, invite them for coffee, etc.  It makes me feel almost sick to have to do this, so when other approach me, it makes things a lot easier for me.

Do I have to step out of my comfort zone and approach others since no one is willing to approach me? Maybe, but I honestly don't think that newcomers to a church should have to be the ones approaching church members.  I think it's up to the members to seek out the newbies and make them feel welcome (sure I've had a few people smile and/or say hi, but that's it).  At the very least,  I think the pastors should be doing this - helping newcomers to make connections with people in similar situations.

Anyway, enough of that.  I know I'll get over this and eventually make friends and feel comfortable in this new city.  So far, though, I enjoy the city itself.  Much bigger than the last place I lived, and I definitely like that!

My question to you - how do you make friends? Are you willing to be the one in your church to approach newcomers and befriend them or lead them to people they can connect with?

It's Still Not Over

It's been a two-coffee morning for me today.  I have been rather tired and a little stressed at times due to a family situation that happened six weeks ago.  It's still not over, though I'm not sure how much longer it will last - a few weeks, a few months...

I've taken the last four days to get some much needed rest and relaxation.

Don't get me wrong, I don't mind helping out, but I also needed this time to myself.  I do feel a little more rejuvenated, and that will help get me through what is hopefully the last leg of this situation.  I'll explain more at a later date.

I do want to say that this has been the reason for the absence from my blogs these last six weeks.  I had hoped to be more faithful in my posts, but sometimes things happen that take us away from what we had hoped to do.  I will try to get some posts done up to transfer over to my blog for when I get back, and hopefully I will learn to get some posts done up in advance and schedule them for later dates to help in the times when I don't have anything to post.  Maybe that will help in not having such long gaps between posts on the blog.

As I've said, I'm not sure how much longer I will be away from Blogland.  Hopefully it's not too much longer, and hopefully I will have some (good) posts to add when I get back.

Until then, God bless.

It's Labour Day

It's Labour Day.  Tomorrow, in most places in Canada, school starts.

This is the first year since getting my full time teaching job, three years ago, that I will not be teaching.  I've not had to go in a few weeks early to prepare and get my classroom ready.  I've not had to go in for orientation or find a new (or keep the same) class theme.

I'm not working.  I quit my job last June to move back to the east coast where there are no teaching jobs available.  I have no car, which makes it even harder to try and supply teach - it's all hard to explain, but this is the position I am in.

I'm looking for work elsewhere, but not having much luck yet - though to be honest I only started looking a week ago.  I've not heard hide nor hair from any of the places I've applied.  In all honesty, I know some of it is due to being over-qualified for these positions (which I could probably have gotten a lot easier had I not gone back to university and got my teaching degree).

There are "lots" of job opportunities for industries for which I am totally not qualified - computer related jobs, even secretarial/receptionist (because of not knowing how to use certain computer programs), nursing, sales (which I don't think I could do very well), or even teaching at a university (which required a doctorate and I don't have that - I don't even have a master's degree).

I can't afford to change my career yet again, especially with trying to pay off a student loan. If I can't find something, I might have to take some kind of course though.

In all of this, I do know that God has a plan.  God will make good from the bad, and He will provide.  I just need to trust Him, let go of my fear (which is NOT from Him and holds me back) and just TRUST.

That's hard to do.  It's something I struggle with, I admit, but as I've stated before, when I made the decision to quit and move away, I felt a total peace about the whole situation. I know there is a plan, there is a way, and things will work out.  The fear of not knowing, and 'what if' (as well as the lack of total trust) stops me dead in my tracks.

So, pray for me. Pray that things will work out well for me, that I'll stop letting fear get in the way, and that I will fully and totally trust that God will provide a way out of this for me.

A New Chapter

Hi there!

I haven't posted in awhile as I made the decision last spring that I would move back home once school was done for the year.

I moved back to get married.  Yup, I'm engaged!  I don't have my ring yet, but we do have the date set for next summer.  It's a long story as to how I got to this point and I'll eventually, possibly, fill in all the details at some point.

For now, I will say that I moved back to the east coast towards the end of June.  I stayed with my mom most of the summer, but now I'm relocated to where my fiance and I live.

I've started a new chapter in my life, and let me tell you, it's scary!  I currently have no job (though I have applied for a few so far), and there are no teaching jobs here. One of the places I did apply to is an ESL school so maybe I'll be able to get on there (I don't think it's part of the school district - more of a private type school).  There's another ESL company that I think I will apply for.  My brother told me that his "wife" told him that the mother of one of the kids she babysits works there and she is going out on maternity leave (and apparently there is another woman there going on mat. leave about the same time) around November or December, so maybe I could get on there.

As I said, this is a scary situation to be in, not having a job and having rent and bills to pay. But, I did pray about leaving my job and moving here, and I had a peaceful feeling.  I'm trying to trust God and have faith that He will provide (I know He will), but yet there is still a part of me that doesn't totally have faith.  I'm working on it though.

Anyway, I wanted to add a little update on here - you know, in case anyone is actually reading this.  I wish you all a blessed day.

Connecting With An Old Friend

We first met when we were about nine years old.  We quickly became friends - best friends.  We were in the same class, but I think she had started coming to my school when we were in grade four (I seem to recall her being in my brother's class), but I don't know if we had become friends then.  I do remember that we were in the same class in grade five, and that's where our friendship developed.

I don't remember specifics about playing together, outside of school, but I do remember going to her house or her coming to mine.  I also somewhat remember her little brother (who was probably a year or two younger than us) playing with us sometimes.  It's been over 30 years since we last saw each other.

At the end of grade five, my family moved to New Brunswick and I was quite upset about losing my best friend.  Somewhere along the line, I had acquired a decoration for my bed.  It was a red octopus made from yarn.  It's tentacles were thickly braided, and the round head had been tied off (giving it a head shape).  I put that octopus on the centre of my bed, tentacles spread out, and I thought it was the best thing since sliced bread.  Before we moved, I gave it to V.

For a few years, V and I would exchange letters via snail mail (this was before the internet, before email, texting, and Facebook), but as we grew older we gradually lost touch.  Over the years I've thought about her, wondered what she was doing and where she might be living.  When Facebook came out, every so often I would try to search for her with no luck.  I tried to Google her name, hoping something would come up, but I had no luck with that either.  I figured she had married and without her new last name (providing, of course, that she took her husband's name) I wouldn't be able to find her.  I never really gave up trying to find her again.

Last night, we reconnected!

You see, back in October, I was searching Facebook for her again.  I remember she had two brothers, though I couldn't recall her older brother's name.  I was fairly certain of her younger brother's name.  I tried searching for his name on Facebook.  I came across a man with his name, but since I also hadn't seen him in over 30 years, I had no idea if it was B.  I decided to try my luck.  I sent a message with details of where V and I had lived (very close together) and mentioned about being in the same class, etc.  I mentioned that I have been trying to connect with her for so long, and if he were indeed her brother, B, I wondered if he could put me in contact with her.

I waited a few days for a response, and after not receiving one, I sent a message to a woman on his friend's list with the same first name has V.  Again, I gave details that might spark a couple of memories.  I never heard anything back.  I assumed I had the wrong people and felt a little disappointed.

About three weeks ago, I received a reply from the man I had messaged.  He had only come across my message (and several others he didn't know he had).  This was indeed V's brother, B!  He said I should contact her (and yes, that was V in his friend's list) directly.  Well, I became busy with work and was sick for a little while, so I hadn't been able to send another message to V.

Last night, V contacted me!  My message had gone to her spam folder so she hadn't seen it.  She'd been talking with B that day and he had mentioned me contacting him and said she should check her spam folder to see if I had sent her a message.  She did, and then she replied.

We messaged back and forth for a little while, doing a little catching up, but soon she had to go as she had some work to do.  We promised to chat again today, and we did.  I'm not sure how long we messaged back and forth, but we recalled memories and people from the past.  She had also wondered about me over the years and had hoped we could reconnect one day again.

I'm so thrilled that V and I have been able to renew our friendship again and start catching up on life over the years.  I hope that now with modern communication being a lot easier than it was in our youth, V and I will be able to stay in touch now.  I can't explain just how happy this makes me feel. I've reconnected (over Facebook) with a few others from my childhood, but I've not felt as happy as I am with this.

I'm so thankful God has brought V back into my life!

Proverbs

I got back from Edmonton on Friday around supper time.  It was an enjoyable trip, even with the long car ride.  I brought knitting, though, and that helped to pass the time. I also worked on it at the hotel in the evenings after we had long, tiring days of shopping and browsing.

We are still on Spring Break here (we have two weeks), and I have no plans - except one day this week K, Little K, J, and I will be hanging out with the two Ks for an afternoon/evening of playing the Wii, watching a movie, and enjoying a meal.  I don't know what day that will be, but I am looking forward to it.  Other than that, I will be relaxing and enjoying my time off.

I'm working on some knitting, which I'll discuss in my knitting blog rather than here, and catching up on my devotions and Bible reading.  Today I read a few chapters in Proverbs, something I haven't done in awhile (aside from reading a few highlighted ones now and then as I flip through to find something else to read).

I thought about how Solomon wrote these to his sons, or maybe even men in general, and wondered why women weren't included.  I stopped to think, and figure it is probably due to the culture.  Men were the ones educated. Men were the ones "in charge".  It was a patriarchal society, and women had a submissive role - they cooked, cleaned, took care of the house, raised the babies, that kind of thing.

Now, however, women play a different role in society, and these proverbs apply to both men AND women (and really, I'm sure they applied to women back then too).  Just because it says for a son to obey his father and listen to his mother, doesn't mean that a daughter shouldn't do those things.

The advice given in Proverbs - and the Bible in general - apply to all of us. Not just men; not just women; not just Jews; not just Gentiles.  Every single one of us.

The Proverbs are filled with good advice - advice we should follow.  Advice I should follow.  I need to delve into this book of the Bible more often.

Just Popping By

I've been busy at work, but for the next two weeks I am on Spring Break.  I'm looking forward to the relaxing that will happen!  On Tuesday, I'll be heading to Edmonton with K, Little K, and J. We'll be there until Friday morning when we head home.  We're also hoping to meet up with an old co-worker who moved there last summer.

I've been feeling rather stressed at work lately. I have a few "high maintenance" kids in my class and they've been really stressing me out.  I've actually been ready for a break for some time now - at least a month, if not longer.  In a lot of ways, I feel like I'm a brand new teacher again and I'm unsure about myself and my career.  I've been doing a lot of praying and seeking God in all of this, but I end up second-guessing things and doubting myself.  I'll get through it, but only on His strength and guidance.

I don't have a whole lot of news at the moment, but wanted to post a little update.  Our weather has been really good this past week and we've had temperatures above zero Celsius (including today) and melting snow.  We still have a lot left though, and in actuality, we could still get more snow and cold temperatures.  After all, we are only in the middle of March.  I hope this isn't the case though.  I've had a taste of spring-like weather and I like it!

Anyway, just wanted to pop in and do a quick update to let you know I'm still around.  I hope you have a blessed day!

Pushing Through Sickness

My BFF gets annoyed when people mistakenly indicate they have the flu, but actually they have a stomach bug.  When you are vomiting and have diarrhea, you have a stomach bug.  When you have a fever, cough, can’t breathe very well and ache all over, that is the flu.

I have the flu.

The night before last, I had a bit of a raw feeling in my throat. It didn’t hurt, but I knew I’d be getting a sore throat within a day or so, unless I was lucky and it didn’t turn into anything worse.  By the next afternoon my throat hurt a little more, but it still wasn’t bad.  I went to coffee with K, “little” K, and J after work, and I mentioned it to them.  We had a discussion about the flu and how it’s making its way around Alberta.  There’ve also been several cases of H1N1 in Alberta (as well as one case of H5N1 – the bird flu, and sadly, the lady who had that died).  K asked me if I’d heard that and was now thinking I had that (H1N1). I said no, but another friend and I had talked about it in the morning as well and hoped I was only getting a cold.

Well, this morning I woke up with a cough (I sound like a smoker at times, but I don’t smoke, and neither do any of my friends), a headache, and the chills.  I was up for about 45 minutes, did my Bible reading and devotions, and decided to go back to sleep. I feel exhausted even though I’d had enough sleep.

When I woke up from that “nap,” I was sweating and hotter than I don’t know what.  I think that might have been from having a warm housecoat and two blankets over me while I slept, and I had put the heat up to try and get warm.  I checked my temperature, and found that it was getting higher and higher.  So far today, the highest it’s been was 38.7C (which is 101.66F).  It seems to be going down now, though as I have taken some Buckley’s Cough, Cold, and Flu pills.  I’ve taken these twice now today, and will take more again in about an hour.  Hopefully these will help me feel better by tomorrow.

The last two days at work, I’ve been alone in the class, and my one E.A. (the second one has been off work since before Christmas) was out both those days.  I wonder if this is what she had (I was never told the reason for her being out).

I talked to K about half an hour ago, and she said she now has a cough and fever as well. So, it sounds like she has what I have.  I would imagine we both got it from work (we both teach at the same school).  Hopefully, we’ll both be over this before we have to go back to work on Monday!

I had hoped to get a lot of writing done today, but since I’ve been sick and sleeping most of the day, that didn’t happen.  I debated not doing anything for the My 500 Word Challenge, but since I’m feeling a little better now, I thought I’d see if I could get anything done up.  And this post is it!

Feeling Homesick

Lately I’ve been feeling like I’d like to move back home, and often feel the homesickness erupt when I get this way.  In fact, I’m kind of feeling that way tonight.  I wonder how long it takes for homesickness to go away after you move elsewhere.

It’s only been nearly two and a half years since I moved out here to British Columbia, but I often find myself desiring to go back home because I feel homesick.  That could be for a number of reasons – anything from not having a car, or access to a car, and not being able to get around and come and go as I please (I have to depend on others if I want to go somewhere else, like shopping or visiting someone who doesn’t live near my location. The bus system here also isn’t the best, and while I might be able to get places in the evening – providing I leave after supper – the buses stop around six or seven o’clock, so I wouldn’t be able to get home), to feeling alone – and lonely.

In 2007, I moved to South Korea to teach, and lived there for a year.  There were times when I felt homesick, particularly after finding out my father had cancer – and especially when I found out he was getting worse.  I also find that when I end up in a situation where I feel sad, upset, angry, etc. I often feel like I want to be back home – not that doing that would solve any problems, or that I wouldn’t have any bad times there, because I would.

I think part of my homesickness came from the fact that I was so far away from my home and my family, and I couldn’t just hop a bus or take a taxi, or even rent a car to go and visit them.  It also could have been caused by being in a different culture and not having access to foods/brands, English TV shows, etc., that I am used to from living in North America.

In 2009, I went to Australia for two months (doing my teaching practicum) and I really enjoyed it there. Actually, I loved it there and I didn’t feel homesick, but that might have been just because I knew I’d only be there for two months and then be heading home again.  When I did come home, I found that I felt homesick for Melbourne and could picture myself actually living there.  Even now, five years later, I find there are times when I feel homesick for that area.  It seems weird that I would feel that way for a place I only visited for two months, but Melbourne must have had a hold on me or something.  Someday I’d like to get back there again.

I really don’t like feeling homesick, but then does anybody?  I find it difficult, when I feel this way, to get out of the slump it puts me in.  I’ve had nights where I would wake up and while I’m still half asleep and my eyes are closed, have such a strong feeling that I was back home in my bed there.  It even seemed that when I’d open my eyes, I’d see my room the way it is set up back home. 

When I’d open my eyes and see that I wasn’t there, but I was in my room here, I’d give my head a shake and feel a little stupid, but it seemed so real.  And then I’d want to go back home again.  I’ve mostly had that feeling after being home during the summer.  At any rate, I’d start to feel little bits of homesickness creep up at those times.  Thankfully, though, the homesickness doesn’t usually last for more than a day or two at a time.

Have you ever moved away, across the country or to a different country or continent, and felt homesick? How did/do you deal with it?

The 9th Day

So today marks the 9^th day of the “My 500 Words” challenge.  So far it hasn’t been too bad, and I’ve been able to get over 500 words each day.  Today it seems a little more difficult.  Part of it is not knowing what to write (though I suppose I could look at some of the prompts and ideas I’ve written down), and part of it is that I’m finding it difficult to write when I get up in the morning (after I’ve gotten ready for work), and when I get home from work I’m tired.  So, I end up putting it off until later in the evening (much like I’m doing now) and feel like I have to push myself to write something.

On the positive side, this little challenge is helping to develop discipline in writing.  I haven’t been focusing so much on the novel or any story, but I’ve been writing on my blogs.  And even though it might not be “quality” stuff, I am writing.

 Mostly my posts have been written on the fly, without much thought as to what I’d write.  I think that is because I’m quite tired by that time and I’m just doing the assignment to get it completed.  I hope that when I have more time (like on the weekends), I can sit down and write a better quality post, or add to my novel or short stories.

Maybe what I could do this coming weekend, is take the writing prompts I’ve got and outline what I could say about each topic (or take a couple of them at a time and do this), or jot a few ideas downs to remind myself of what I could include.  Then I might have some direction, and could write a better quality post, rather than rambling on.

I think right now with this challenge, I’m just trying to focus on the discipline and getting in the habit of writing each day.  Once this habit forms (or after the challenge, even weaning it down to once every other day until I have more time to be able to write each day – like on holidays and vacations from teaching), then I could focus on doing more research for topics, more editing, or more significant passages.

I just hope it’s this is not a case of “I’m doing this because I’ve been issued a challenge and I don’t want to fail at it,” and then give up for whatever reason and not write for large chunks of time.  Otherwise, I’ll never get anything written – well, except for some blog posts.

Well, it looks like I’m going to finish today’s quota, thought it certainly won’t be nearly as long as any of the previous posts (or at least the majority of them).  I’ve only got another couple of sentences to write and then I can call it a night.  Hopefully, since tomorrow is Friday, and providing I take a little nap in the early evening to take the edge off, I can get more writing done (or at least create a few blog posts that I can schedule for later dates).

For the first week back to work after Christmas vacation, it’s seemed long and tiring. I’m looking forward to hopefully sleeping in on the weekend, but for now, I need to get to bed so I can try and get rested for tomorrow, otherwise I’ll need an IV of coffee!

Oh So Tired

Well, this is only the second day of the week, the second day of the work week after Christmas vacation and I am already looking forward to Friday – or at the least, the weekend.

I am tired, soooo tired.  Yesterday, Monday, was find. I wasn’t tired during the day, but a couple of hours before I went to Bible study; I had to lie down for a bit.  I ended up falling asleep for about 40 minutes. Had set the alarm so I could sleep for a little over an hour, but I woke up about half an hour before the alarm went off.  I felt better, and was confident I wouldn’t be yawning or almost falling asleep during Bible study.  And, I was also able to get to bed around midnight (I could have gone before, but I wanted to read a little before bed – and I also had to read my Bible for the day as well), which allowed me about five hours of sleep (pretty typical for me).

I made it through work today and didn’t do any yawning or feeling tired, which is good.  But, once I got home and sitting down, relaxing, etc. I soon began to feel my eyes drooping, and that general “I’m so tired I want to go to bed” feeling.

Unfortunately, it’s too early for that.  If I go to bed now (or a littler earlier like I wanted to), I would either do one of two things: end up sleeping for 30-60 minutes and then not be able to get to sleep until 2:00 in the morning, or I’d sleep until 3:00 and be awake for the rest of the night.

So, I’m pushing on, trying to stay awake for another hour or so.

Another reason I had for staying awake longer, was the fact I needed to do my 500 words for today.  I’m seven days into this, and I didn’t want to miss a day of it.  I knew I wouldn’t be writing anything spectacular (not that anything else I’ve written has been that great), but I still needed, and wanted, to do this.  If it will help build a habit of doing daily writing (or at least a decent amount of words each day), and even help me blog more frequently – like I used to a few years ago – then I can’t be missing days here and there.  I know for me, it’s far too easy to just dismiss it because I’m tired, or I just don’t feel like it. But if I do that one day, it will lead to another, and pretty soon I’m not getting anything written for great amounts of time.  So, to develop that kind of behaviour this early on into the challenge would just spell disaster for me. 

As I pause at this particular moment to check my word count and think of something else to say to bring me closer to my minimum challenge requirement, I am realizing that I seem to have developed a bit of a second wind.  Hopefully I will be able to keep this up for at least another hour or two, and then I’ll head to bed at a decent time. Hopefully.

And with that, I’ve now exceeded the 500 words – not that many, but still. I made it.  And, hopefully I’ll be more creative with future posts, rather than just rambling on about the day to day boring things like this one.

Rise and Shine!

Today is the first day back to work after a two week Christmas Break.  I had been dreading getting up at 5:30, but I knew it must be done.  And I had to be sure not to hit the snooze button for half an hour.  I honestly don’t feel tired at the moment (it’s now nearly 7:00), but I know that will change as the day goes on. 

And since today is Monday, I won’t be getting home until around 5:00 p.m. because I have drama practise after school and I have to wait around until one of the students gets picked up (the child is in my class, and her mom made special arrangements).  I don’t mind staying, but there are times when I really don’t want to stay that late.  Also, on Monday evenings, I have one of the Bible studies that I go to (I only go to two of them), which I am enjoying.  I won’t have a chance to even think about taking a nap when I get home.  I’ll probably have to go to bed early tonight, but I won’t even think about that right now.

I’m kind of looking forward to getting back into my routine and going to work.  While I always enjoy days off, vacations, and holidays, there are times I want to get back to work – simply to get back into my routine.

I am supposed to have one less student now, as one little boy informed us, on the last day before Christmas vacation, that his mom wants to home school him and his sister.  We’ll see how it goes.  I don’t think she realises all that is involved in teaching/home schooling, and she was always talking about how busy they were.  The only thing that it will probably save her, is travelling (they live outside of town).  She could surprise everyone and do a great job with home schooling, but it wouldn’t surprise me if the kids end up coming back to the school – even if it isn’t until next fall.  And, now that her son won’t be in my class, I’ll have to find someone else to help with Bible memory, as she would come in to ‘test’ the kids for me (it was a big help).  Hopefully there is someone else willing to step up to the plate.

I’ve also got a few things that I want to try this term, such as a novel study with my language arts students (I have eight ESL kids who have a separate language arts class with another teacher, so they aren’t in my class). I don’t know if they can handle this, but we’ll see.  I hope it works out well and doesn’t end up causing me grief.  I’ve already warned them that the second half of the year is going to be more difficult and more will be required of them.  It will probably be difficult for the first little while with them testing to see if they can get away with less effort, etc.  So, I will definitely be needing prayer for a little while!

Anyway, I hope you all have a great day, and if this is also your first day back to work after a long break, I pray that you have a great one!

A Conversation With The Building Manager

This morning I had to go see the manager of my apartment building (unfortunately I wrote the wrong date on my rent cheque and had to bring her a replacement).  She invited me in for a few minutes, which turned into an hour.

        This is a woman who likes to talk, and while there are times you can’t shut me up, there are also times when I’m not really in the mood to hold a conversation with people.  I had hoped this would be a quick visit – I’d drop my cheque off, get the receipt, make a bit of casual conversation, and then leave.  It didn’t turn out that way.

        The building manager (I’ll call her P) proceeded to tell me how she had hurt her knee and arm recently, and I mentioned about my sciatica bothering me over the Christmas break.  This then led to a discussion on how she (and her husband) ended up coming back to manage this apartment building (and another one or two). 

        During the time I had mentioned about my sciatica, I had told her about being in Australia a few years ago and having done something to cause it to flare up.  Our conversation then turned to her mentioning a cousin from Australia that she was going to be meeting for the first time in May, and how she had discovered this cousin.

        For the rest of the time I was there (the conversation about our injuries might have taken about five minutes), we discussed genealogy.  I have been interested in genealogy (researching your family tree) since I was about 16. 

        P told me about all the research she had done (she is legitimately related to royalty, and both Princess Di and Camilla, and has aristocracy in her roots as well), especially after being in contact with a distant relative from Australia (a different cousin).  She’s done loads of research, contacted various archives from different countries, been put into contact with people who could help, and has been given lots of information from others.  It sure sounded like she has done extensive research!  She also told me that she helps other people with research and she’d be willing to help me (or point me in the right direction) if I wanted it.  I’m not totally sure, but I would think she’d charge a fee for her research services.

        P and I discussed how important it is to remember our past – who and where we came from – and the details.  She had told me how her mother had always wanted to write a book about her life story (and from what I was told, it would definitely be an interesting read), and now P is thinking about writing it – or some about her mother, but more so about her grandmother or great-grandmother.

        P mentioned that she has been trying to write things down in the evenings (stories and research), but she finds that she gets tired very easily and ends up not accomplishing much.  She wants to record everything for her children and grandchildren, and thought making a book out of all her information would probably be wise.  I suggested that maybe she could record things on one of those little hand held tape recorders and then when she’s not feeling tired or has the time, she could then transcribe it, or have someone do it for her.  She said she hadn’t thought about that, but it was a great idea and she might just try it.

        Since talking with P a couple of hours ago, I have also been thinking about doing more research on my own family tree.  I have a lot, but it’s all back home in New Brunswick.  My ancestors don’t have an exciting background, or as interesting stories as the ones P told me about her relatives, but that doesn’t matter.  Just because one of my ancestors was the first shoemaker on Prince Edward Island and not a duke or lord, doesn’t make him any less significant. Everyone is important; every story is important, and I want to have a record of them.

        The Bible does say in Titus to “…avoid foolish controversies and genealogies…” (3:9), but I don’t think it’s meaning that we shouldn’t be involved in working on our family tree (after all, Jesus’ own genealogy is recorded in the New Testament twice).  I think this verse is dealing with deception.  My study Bible has a cross-reference to 2 Timothy 3:13 which talks about evil men and impostors deceiving people.  So, maybe these men, the impostors, were showing genealogies to try and make people think they were important, or someone they were not.  So, I don’t think it goes against Scripture when you do your family tree.

        Anyway, I think it’s important to record information (names, dates) and stories about ourselves, our ancestors, and family members, for future generations.  Unfortunately, I don’t have any kids of my own (which makes me sad, but that’s another story), but I do have a nephew.  I do have cousins who have children.  And one day, one (or more) of them may have an interest and would like to read about their family history.

        Right now, I’m in the mood to work on my family tree.  I sure wish I had my information here now.  Oh well, it will probably have to wait until the summer.  I’ll have to look for it when I go back as I’m not sure where it got placed – especially the computer program I had used to record the bulk of my information!  I just hope it hasn’t been lost.  I’d hate to have to start from scratch again.